Sessions Tells the Dishonest Truth about Honest Lies

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Honest Photo of Jeff Sessions

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has a perfectly good, new and improved explanation. In a news conference yesterday, Sessions announced his intention to recuse himself from the investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian officials, despite his earlier claim that he was sexy space vixen Barbarella – not genteel Southern racist Senator Jeff Sessions – when he met Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. Sessions told the press he misunderstood the question when senator Al Franken asked him about communications between the Trump campaign and the Russians.

“It was an honest lie. I thought he was asking me about the meetings that took place between Jared Kushner and the Russians or Michael Flynn and the Russians or Carter Page and the Russians or Paul Manafort and the Russians or Ivanka’s cat and the Russians or the doorman at Trump Tower and the Russians or basically everybody who was in any way connected with the Trump campaign and the Russians. Honestly, I thought I was lying about all of them, not me. I don’t see why everybody is so upset over me lying about me when clearly I was lying about them. And that’s the truth, as far as you know. By the way, don’t be surprised tomorrow when President Trump eliminates tariffs on Russian catnip.”

The Attorney General agreed that, as the nation’s top law enforcement official, he has a special responsibility to tell the truth.

“Absolutely. That’s why I recently underwent surgery to have all the fingers on both hands permanently crossed. I thought that would be enough but now I see I’m going to need to get the toes done, too.”

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