Egyptian Dictator El-Sisi Throws out First Pitch at Nats’ Home Opener

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Actual Photo of a Baseball

Egyptian dictator Abdel Fattah el-Sisi earned his spot on Team Trump today when he took a motorcade directly from his meeting with the “President” to Nationals Park, where he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. Despite his abysmal record on human rights, the brutal dictator was invited to take the mound in Trump’s stead because Americans despise him less than they do Trump. A senior White House staffer told thefloydspin el-Sisi was Trump’s second choice.

“We originally wanted Chinese President Xi Jinping but he hates the Nationals. Xi’s a Mets fan. Personally, I think el-Sisi worked out fine. He had no trouble making the throw after he pulled a gun on the grounds crew and ordered them to move the pitcher’s mound to fifteen feet from home plate.”

As for the throw, it looked low and inside, but the White House insists it was a strike.

“Right down the middle. Look, under the circumstances, General el-Sisi did as well as could be expected. Yes, the crowd booed him for twenty minutes, but nobody tried to rush the field or anything. Though, to be fair, the gun might have had something to do with that. When you shoot the umpire in the toe for calling your pitch a ball, that tends to send a message.”

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