A Pentagon source acknowledged today that, of the 59 tomahawk missiles fired into Syria yesterday, one missed its target. But there is a perfectly good explanation for the malfunction. The Navy replaced the high explosive warhead on missile 59 with two hundred gallons of Pepsi and one Kendall Jenner. Unfortunately, the Pepsi combined with Kendall’s signature body wash, Kleandall, to corrode the circuitry that controls the missile’s guidance system, causing the tomahawk to veer off course. According to the source, what happened next is a testament to the power of Pepsi and Kendall to screw up a wet dream.
“The missile was programmed to hover majestically above Shayrat airfield, ironically spraying a cloud of Pepsi onto the Syrian troops below. Then Kendall was going to shimmy down a rope made of conflict free llama fur, dandelions and extra lacey Victoria’s Secret boustierres. Once she was on the ground she was supposed to walk up to the Syrians in super slow mo and hand the most handsome soldier a Pepsi. Bingo! Middle East solved. Unfortunately, with the GPS gone, the missile went rogue, crashing through a window into some random Syrian teenager’s bedroom. The Pepsi took the brunt of the impact and Kendall survived, but things got ugly. According to social media and cell phone intercepts, the kid was ecstatic. It’s a teenage boy’s dream to wake up to Kendall Jenner soaked in Pepsi, right? But Kendall started screaming her head off, ‘Get me an Uber and get me out of this god-forsaken hell hole!’ She broke the kid’s heart. I’m told Pepsi sent in an elite squad of supermodels dressed as sexy Navy Seals and they got her out. But believe me, that’s the last time the U.S. military loads Kendall Jenner into a missile.”