White House Never Heard of Donald Trump Jr.

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Actual Photo of a 1930 Underwood Typewriter

Amid the growing Donald Trump Jr. email scandal, Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted today that the eldest Trump son can’t be “President” Trump’s real offspring because he sucks so hard at lying. Sanders’ revelation came during a bizarre White House press conference at which cameras, sound recording devices, notepads, pencils, pens and 1930 Underwood typewriters were prohibited. As a result, reporters were forced to jab their fingers with paper clips and transcribe notes in blood on their own stomachs.

Sanders blamed a hospital records foul-up for her boss being saddled with a numbskull kid.

“Donald Trump Jr. played a minor role for a short time in the Trump family. Really. This is a birth certificate mix-up. Whoever this kid is, we now know two things about him. First, he was born in Hawaii. Or Kenya. I get those two mixed up. Second, he’s black. Or Jewish. I get those two mixed up. And also second, he doesn’t know how to lie. Or tell the truth. I get those two mixed up.”

Asked for documentation to back up her claim, Sanders sought to tap into the deep reservoir of good will she has developed with the White House press corp.

“Are you calling me a liar? Or are you saying I’m telling the truth? Well, which is it? Seriously, I get those two mixed up.”

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