Mueller Claims Manafort Looks Crooked

Manafort
Dude’s Guilty

Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller filed new charges yesterday against Paul Manafort, alleging that Manafort looks so much like a crook he must be a crook. In a single page court document filed in Virginia, Mueller makes the legal case for what everybody knows the first time they lay eyes on Manafort: dude’s guilty. The filing, which stands out for its brevity, consists of a photo of Manafort accompanied by two words: “Dude’s guilty.”

Manafort’s attorney denied the charges. “Just because my client looks like Don Corleone on crack’ doesn’t mean he’s guilty. Everybody knows looks can be deceiving. For example, Rick Gates looks smart enough to know that when you testify against your boss bad things happen, like a horse head in bed or a leave-the-gun-take-the-cannoli trip to Jersey or maybe a very special surprise I like to call Mr. Spoon. Yeah, you heard me Ricky, Spoon. It’s the flatware nobody sees coming. Rat-a-tat-tat take that you sneaky no good son of a bitch weasel! Spoon!”

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