Paul Ryan Adds Slavery Requirement to Farm Bill

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Paul Ryan Squishes Reality Between His Thumb and Forefinger

House speaker Paul Ryan has doubled down on his plan to set work requirements for recipients of food stamps as part of the Farm Bill currently being considered by Congress. In a statement to members of the House Freedom Caucus yesterday Ryan said he intends to impose a binding servitude clause on any able bodied worker over the age of 6 who fits a certain profile, which Ryan defined as “non-traditional socio-economical-ethnic,” and which black people describe as “black.” Ryan said his proposal makes sense for everybody.

“Look, it’s not like this hasn’t been done before. Back in the 1800’s we had a win-win program just like this. People had lifetime job security, plantation owners made a killing and some wonderful songs about freedom and hardship and freedom became part of the fabric of America. And speaking of fabric, don’t forget that was the heyday of the cotton industry in this country.”

Ryan bristled when confronted with the similarities between his idea and America’s original sin.

“This is not slavery. With slavery black people were beaten and they had to work like animals just to stay alive in a society where they were treated like property because of the color of their skin. With my plan nobody gets beaten, but if they do, at least they won’t go hungry, but if they do go hungry, we’ll get some awesome songs out of it.”

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