V.P. Pence Totally Expected to Be President By Now

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Vice President Pence wonders, Faust or famine?

Vice President Mike Pence can’t believe he isn’t president yet. A source close to the veep told thefloydspin today Pence is extremely frustrated that Congress is taking forever to impeach “President” Trump.

“What’s it take to get rid of Trump? I mean the guy makes Mike Pence look like Ronald Reagan! And believe me, Pence is no Ronald Reagan. He’s closer to a Dan Quayle. Except Quayle never betrayed everything he ever stood for to be vice president. Have things gotten so bad in this country that sacrificing your principles on the altar of personal ambition doesn’t get you the presidency? Seriously, I pray for America.”

Pence’s frustration is said to be expressing itself in chilling ways.

“The V.P. wanders the halls of the Naval Observatory practicing his State of the Union speech. It’s kind of creepy to hear him softly sobbing while he mumbles about the sanctity of marriage, religious freedom for rich white people and the healing power of Mayberry R.F.D. re-runs, season 2. His heart is in the right place but Trump is like America’s dose of herpes. He won’t go away and he’s what we get for screwing around with democracy.”

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