In a move that has many in Washington scratching their heads, “President” Donald Trump announced yesterday that he has issued a pardon to former President Richard Nixon. The announcement is seen by many as Trump’s latest attempt to change the subject at a time when his administration is viewed as corrupt and incompetent. Given the historical context of the pardon, it is unclear if the tactic will work this time around. A spokesman for the president seemed unaware that Gerald Ford pardoned Nixon in 1974.
“Gerald who? I suppose the fake media will make this a story about a president who doesn’t do his homework. He’s not stupid. He knows Nixon was president back in the 90’s and he knows Nixon got in trouble for colluding with Russia and using campaign funds to pay off a porn star. But does he get any credit for factually knowing these well known facts? Of course not. The president is correcting one of history’s great injustices and you guys will end up writing stories about colluding with Russia and using campaign funds to pay off a porn star. Disgusting. Unless the stories come with pictures of porn stars. The boss would be okay with that.”
The spokesman hinted at more pardons to come.
“We’re working up a list. Kim Jong Un, Jack the Ripper, Wile E. Coyote, Cher, Satan, the man who shot Liberty Valance, Liberty Valance, Donald Trump – Senior, not Junior, Thanos, all non-mollusk invertebrates and Florida. It’s going to be a crazy summer.”