Paul Ryan Can’t Wait to F**k Up the Rest of Republican Agenda

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Actual Photo of Congress Inaction

All of Washington sees the failure of the House of Representatives to pass a law to repeal and replace Obamacare as a catastrophe for both “President” Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan. Ryan disagrees. Paul Ryan told thefloydspin he thinks things are looking up for the Republican legislative agenda.

“Look, when you consider all we did not get done in a very short time you come away thinking this Congress is capable of not doing big things. Think about it. How many times in history has Congress gone from the introduction of major legislation to not passing that legislation in just seventeen days? It’s not been done before. And this is just the beginning. I bet we can not pass comprehensive tax reform in ten days. Infrastructure? Five days, maybe six if we take a day off to not do tort reform. I tell you I’m positively giddy thinking about all the things Republicans can not get done now that we’re in charge. The sky’s not the limit!”

Asked if not governing is what Republicans were sent to Washington to do, Ryan answered from a skewed historical perspective.

“In the immortal words of Bobby Kennedy, ‘Some men see things as they are and say why not. I dream things that never were and say why not not?’ I could not not not have said it better myself.”

Spicer Takes Up Residence in Credibility Canyon

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Actual Photo of Where the Truth Goes to Die

You have to give press secretary Sean Spicer credit. As “President” Trump’s credibility gap grows from chasm to gorge to canyon, Spicer is spanning the gulf with more and more tangled webs of deceit, distortion, deception and flat out bullshit. At this morning’s daily White House press briefing, Spicer told reporters he cannot understand why they insist on contradicting his false claim that Paul Manafort, Trump’s ex-campaign manager, played a “very limited role” in the campaign.

“You guys don’t get it. When I say the President has no idea who this Pete Monafort character is, you need to take me at my word. It’s like last week when I said Galileo proved the world was flat and Al Gore told me there was no such thing as Global Warming and President Obama installed a miniature camera on my electric toothbrush. We all agree these are practically actual factually facty facts, right? So why not believe me now? I swear, if you people can’t trust me, how are we all going to make it through these next twelve years?”

When more than one member of the press pointed out that everything coming out of Spicer’s mouth was false, Spicer invited Senior White House Liar Kellyanne Conway to the podium.

“So you like picking on Sean, huh? Alright, you asked for it. Playtime with Kellyanne! Let’s talk Bowling Green Birth Certificate Voter Fraud Massacre!”

Moldy Bread Exceeds Paul Ryan’s Expectations

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Actual Photo of Former Republican Voters

Hose Speaker Paul Ryan says the Congressional Budget Office report on his Obamacare replacement plan exceeds his expectations. That comes as a surprise to Ryan’s critics who point out that the CBO says 24 million people would lose their insurance under the plan. In an effort to clarify his position, Speaker Ryan used the Skype app on his microwave oven this morning to reach out to thefloydspin.

“Look, for the record, there are a number of things that exceed my expectations. Vietnam, Ebola, Justin Bieber, Star Wars episodes I, II, and III, moldy bread. So it should come as no surprise that the CBO estimate that millions of poor and elderly people will lose insurance struck me as good news. I was afraid rich people were going to lose their insurance, too. Well thanks to Republican leadership, not only will rich people get to keep their insurance, they’ll get a massive tax break, too. Merry Christmas, America!”

Still stinging from the rejection of his previous carrot and stick insurance proposal, Ryan summed up his argument for the plan he now considers America’s last, best hope for a fair and comprehensive solution for the instability in the private insurance market.

“I have great insurance!”

Steve King Is Defintely Not a Racist

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Actual Photo of Steve King, Not a Racist

Steve King is definitely not a racist. Sure, when he tweeted last Sunday “we can’t restore our civilization with somebody else’s babies” he took a lot of heat for making what many are calling a racist statement. But King doesn’t see it that way. Today, when thefloydspin called King, the Iowa Congressman took pains to clarify his position.

“I didn’t mean to say somebody else’s babies can’t contribute to our civilization. I’m sure there are plenty of babies we can let in from places like England and, um, lower England and Britain and maybe the more Englishy parts of France, upper Britain, those places. Those are somebody else’s babies, right? If we let those babies in we can go a long way toward fixing America. Uh oh, I have to go. Fox News is about to air a special report on Obama. Did you know he was Kenyan? Also black.”

Minutes later, King called back to clarify his earlier clarification.

“Look, I have nothing against somebody else’s babies as long as somebody else is exactly like me. I’m talking about good old American, apple pie eating, God fearing folks who work like twelve days a year, cheat on their taxes, blame foreigners and marry within two or three shades of the correct color. My point is I see no reason to throw the babies out with the bathwater, as long as the bathwater isn’t muddy. See? I’m no racist. I’m just picky. Besides, the times they are a changing. If you ask me, racism is the new patriotism.”

Spicer Accuses Obama of Sneaky Toaster Oven Illegal Surveillance Tapping

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Metaphorical Photo of a Telephone

According to Sean Spicer, President Obama used a toaster oven to conduct illegal surveillance on Donald Trump during the presidential campaign. At the daily White House press briefing this morning, Spicer downplayed “President” Trump’s March 4th tweet accusing the former president of tapping his phones.

“When the president said Obama was tapping his phones he meant that metaphorically, not literally. It’s like when he says he’s going to be great for the little guy or he’s going to get rid of ISIS. Those are metaphors. The president is very metaphorical. It’s the same with phone tapping. Phone tapping is a metaphor for sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping. Really, the two are interchangeable, just like we’re gonna ‘drain the swamp’ is interchangeable with we’re gonna ‘stock the cabinet full of billionaires and nincompoops.’ People need to learn to not take this president literally when he’s joking, which is metaphor for lying.”

Spicer assured the press corps that the Trump administration would soon provide proof of Obama’s sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping.

“We’ll be giving Congress conclusive evidence by tomorrow, which is a metaphorical way of saying no we won’t. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to helping the president make America great again, if you know what I mean.”

Trump Lowers Border Wall to Leprechaun Size

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Actual Photo of a Leprechaun Stealing Three of our White Women

Steve Bannon is lowering expectations for Donald Trump’s big beautiful wall. Now, instead of taking 12 to 18 months to build a $15 to $25 billion dollar, twenty-five foot tall concrete and steel barrier along the entire 2,000 mile U.S. – Mexico border, Bannon says the “President” has given the go ahead for construction of a 5 and a half foot tall, $425 thousand dollar chicken wire fence to be built along the border separating the U.S. from the end of the rainbow. Best of all, the fence will be finished by this Friday. Bannon tells thefloydspin the fence, while less than Trump had hoped for, will serve a vital purpose.

“No more leprechauns! Leprechauns are pouring across the border into our country and they’re rapists and they’re criminals and some, I assume are good little people, but show me one leprechaun who has ever let go of his pot of gold. They’re greedy, they’re magical, they’re charming, they’re incredibly well endowed and they’re coming for our white women.”

Bannon points to his personal experience with leprechauns as justification for the fence.

“Don’t be fooled, leprechauns pretend to be mischievous imps but if you believe that, you haven’t spent ten minutes in a room with Paul Ryan. Leprechauns are monsters whose understanding of the inner workings of the Federal bureaucracy makes them extremely dangerous to anyone who wants to follow their dream to the end of a rainbow. They’re also bad for anyone who wants to hollow out the Federal bureaucracy. And yes, technically Paul Ryan’s not a leprechaun. Hey, technically Obama’s wasn’t Kenyan, so…”

Scott Pruitt Debunks Stupid Science

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The Dress Is Purple

EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt has no idea what is causing global warming, but he’s pretty sure it’s not humans. Pruitt tells thefloydspin scientists are spreading fake science when they claim global warming is the result of the gazillions of tons of carbon dioxide humans annually release into the atmosphere.

“Look, I’m no scientist and I don’t know anything about science. I flunked every science class I ever took. In 7th grade, my science teacher, Mrs. Brink, actually tried to bash me over the head with a model of an atom which, by the way, no such thing as an atom. Look at me now, Mrs. Brink! Ha! I’m the frigging head of the frigging Environmental Eradication Agency! Also, the world is oval, unicorns are real and the dress is purple. The point is my unique, clear-eyed perspective on science allows me to come to the climate change debate with a mind unencumbered by facts and data and science, which is why I can state unequivocally that all scientists who disagree with me are stupid.”

Pruitt tried to cast doubt on the very existence of global warming.

“I’m constantly checking the weather report in all the cold places in the world and all those places are cold. So I say the planet is not warming up. It’s actually getting colder. Especially at night.”