Breaking News: Sean Spicer Used to Be Press Secretary!

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Actual Photo of Sean Spicer

Thefloydspin has learned that Sean Spicer used to be the White House press secretary, a stunning revelation that comes on the heels of the stunning revelation that Sean Spicer has resigned his position as the White House press secretary. A source close to the “president” says news of Spicer’s previously undisclosed role comes as a complete surprise.

“Until now, I thought he was just another liar. Hell, that describes the entire Administration, from the vice-president to cabinet secretaries to the shirtless guy who empties the waste baskets. We’re all liars. There are two things the president demands from his team: absolute loyalty and utter contempt for the truth. You’d think someone would tell the president those two don’t go together. Of course, that would be a lie. Unless I’m lying to you right now. Which I am. Not. Not not. Not not not not not. Mind blowing, huh?”

Putin Adopts Donald Trump Jr.

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Actual Photo of Junior Signing a Document He’ll Forget

Donald Trump Jr. has changed his story. Again. Trump is now saying the meeting that took place at Trump Tower last June was about Russian adoptions after all. Speaking to Tucker Carlson on Fox News last night, Junior finally came clean with the whole, real, true account of what happened in the meeting.

“Tucker, that meeting wasn’t about getting the goods on Hillary Clinton. It wasn’t about Russian sanctions relief. And it for sure wasn’t about sharing detailed NATO troop deployment figures, including contingency plans for Russian land, air and sea incursions over a three thousand mile corridor. How could it be? Jared didn’t have his security clearance, yet. It was about the love between a vicious tyrant and a vicious tyrant’s son. That was the day I looked into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and knew he would be the dad I never had. That was the day we started adoption proceedings. As of 3 o’clock this afternoon, I’m officially Vladimir Putin’s filthy rich kid.”

Trump said Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ recent comments vindicated his decision to embrace Putin.

“When she said I played a very minor role in the Trump family for a short period of time, that hurt. I played a very minor role in the Trump family for a long period of time. There’s a difference.”

Bare-Chested Putin Attended Meeting with Trump Jr.

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Actual Photo of the Head Custodian Commuting to His Job at Trump Tower

Thefloydspin has learned that Russian President Vladimir Putin participated in the meeting between Donald Trump, Jr. and a Russian government lawyer. In an email, Trump’s attorney, Alan Futerfas, confirmed Putin’s presence at the meeting but insisted his client didn’t know who Putin was.

“It’s a simple case of mistaken identity. Donald Trump Jr. thought Mr. Putin was the head custodian at Trump Tower. When Donald entered the room, he saw a bare chested Putin digging through the waste basket, so he naturally assumed this guy couldn’t afford a shirt and was looking for spare change and aluminum cans. The Trumps don’t pay their help much so that story checks out.”

Minutes later, Futerfas followed up with another email meant to set the record straight about his first email.

“In retrospect, my client would have done things differently if he had known he was meeting with the President of Russia to discuss Russian baby adoptions, which is all that was discussed, unless somebody secretly recorded this meeting, in which case please delete that first email I sent. Please delete this email, too, so there will be no email record of this email about that email I definitely didn’t send about something that may or may not have been discussed, which if it was, it wasn’t, in a meeting which may or may not have happened, which if it did, it didn’t. Shift delete.”

More on this story as it develops, which it will.

White House Never Heard of Donald Trump Jr.

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Actual Photo of a 1930 Underwood Typewriter

Amid the growing Donald Trump Jr. email scandal, Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted today that the eldest Trump son can’t be “President” Trump’s real offspring because he sucks so hard at lying. Sanders’ revelation came during a bizarre White House press conference at which cameras, sound recording devices, notepads, pencils, pens and 1930 Underwood typewriters were prohibited. As a result, reporters were forced to jab their fingers with paper clips and transcribe notes in blood on their own stomachs.

Sanders blamed a hospital records foul-up for her boss being saddled with a numbskull kid.

“Donald Trump Jr. played a minor role for a short time in the Trump family. Really. This is a birth certificate mix-up. Whoever this kid is, we now know two things about him. First, he was born in Hawaii. Or Kenya. I get those two mixed up. Second, he’s black. Or Jewish. I get those two mixed up. And also second, he doesn’t know how to lie. Or tell the truth. I get those two mixed up.”

Asked for documentation to back up her claim, Sanders sought to tap into the deep reservoir of good will she has developed with the White House press corp.

“Are you calling me a liar? Or are you saying I’m telling the truth? Well, which is it? Seriously, I get those two mixed up.”

Kellyanne Conway and Quantum Politics

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Actual Photo of a Cat in a Box. Or Is It?

On ABC’s Good Morning America today, Kellyanne Conway was adamant that “President” Trump both does and doesn’t want former FBI Director James Comey to testify before Congress.

“The fact is the president can’t wait for Comey to tell the Senate Intelligence Committee the truth. The alternative fact is the president is terrified Comey will tell the Senate Intelligence Committee the truth. Welcome to my world. I have no idea which of those statements is correct. Maybe both. It’s like I’m that cat in the box and until the box gets opened I either work for a political genius or a blithering idiot. I sincerely have no idea. Maybe I’m not even a cat. Maybe I’m a dog or a pencil or a bowl of soup. Or a box. I might be the box somebody mentioned a minute ago. Oh God, am I the box?!? What were we talking about? Can someone get me a drink? Why can’t Bannon be the box?”

When she was asked who the American people trust most, Comey or Trump, Conway grew irritable.

“Don’t ask me; I’m an empty box with a dead cat in it. Where’s that drink!?!”

Trump Dumps on Desk, Jeffrey Lord Defends It

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Actual Photo of Trump Tower

Anderson Cooper was right. Donald Trump really could take a dump on his desk in the Oval Office and Jeffrey Lord really would defend it. That is exactly what happened. Minutes before the “President” departed for his trip abroad, Trump pooped on his desk. A source inside the White House told thefloydspin Trump wanted to make sure nobody touched his stuff while he was away embarrassing the United States on the world stage.

“He’s a little obsessive compulsive. If he comes back and finds anything out of place, he’ll go ballistic. I mean literally ballistic. That’s why Mattis keeps him away from the nuclear football. One ink pen pointed east when it should be facing west and North Korea gets turned into a glowing pile of ash, rubble and singed dim sum.”

Thefloydspin spoke with Jeffrey Lord about Trump’s scatological proclivities.

“I don’t know what the big deal is. Yes, Donald Trump poops outside the box. Americans love that about him. They elected him president because they wanted him to leave his permanent mark in Washington.”

Thefloydspin’s White House source agreed with Lord.

“It’s permanent all right. I’m not cleaning that up!”

Paul Ryan Thinks He’s a Chicken

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Actual Photo of the Egg Paul Ryan Laid

House speaker Paul Ryan is on the case. Ryan told thefloydspin today that Republicans in Congress will follow the facts as they investigate whether “President” Trump attempted to obstruct the FBI’s investigation into his campaign’s involvement with Russian meddling in the U.S. election.

“Look, just because James Comey wrote a memo, that doesn’t mean President Trump did anything wrong. Keep in mind, this Comey character got fired recently. Are we honestly going to believe someone who can’t hold down a steady job? My motto has always been, ‘Never trust the unemployed.’ Don’t trust poor people, either. Or women, especially pregnant women or women who may become pregnant, which is basically all women. ‘Don’t trust women, poor people, unemployed people or unemployed people who write memos.’ That’s my new, revised motto.”

Asked if the Comey memo is the smoking gun that could get Trump impeached, Ryan pretended to be a chicken by flapping his arms, pecking and laying an egg.

“Boc boc boc boc boc! Boc boc!”