Republicans Pass Trumpcare without Reading the Bill

13677686174_76979af515_z (1)
Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Wearing a Pink Tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin Mini Mall Parking Lot

Citing a need for “plausible deniability,” Republicans in the House of Representatives are defending their vote to repeal and replace Obamacare without actually reading the bill. Thefloydspin spoke with House speaker Paul Ryan about the controversial strategy.

“Look, for the last seven years Republicans have campaigned on repeal and replace, not repeal and improve. Now maybe millions will lose their healthcare, and perhaps thousands will die, and it’s possible rich people will get a massive tax cut. That could all be true but, since we didn’t read the bill, we can’t be held responsible. Besides, if we spent a ton of time reading that bill we wouldn’t have time to do a tax reform package that will potentially reward the rich, possibly screw poor people and maybe blow up the deficit, which it may or may not do. Who knows? Not Republicans. We’re definitely not going to read that one either.”

Ryan is confident the strategy poses little risk for Republicans in the upcoming midterm elections.

“If voters paid any attention at all we’d be facing disaster in 2018. But what are the odds of that happening? I mean, look at how many people read thefloydspin? This article you’re writing, I’m not going to read it. I assume it will consist of fake quotes about politics, my drug habit and the embarrassing picture of me wearing a pink tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin mini mall parking lot. And make no mistake, all that is fine with me, as long as you don’t mention how hard Republicans are screwing America.”

Nunes Calls for Investigation Investigation

Actual Photo of the Gavel Chairman Nunes Uses to Beat Democracy over the Head

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes has had it with Democrats interfering with his committee’s investigation into Russian hacking. Nunes told thefloydspin this morning he is calling for a committee to investigate his investigation.

“Democrats have a lot to answer for and I’m calling for a Select House Intelligence Team to make sure they are held to account. It’ll be like the Benghazi Committee Committee or the Benghazi Committee Committee Committee, which were charged with investigating the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi and the Benghazi Committee Committee’s investigation of the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi, respectively. All of those committees did a bang-up job and it’s that kind of investigative zeal we need to get to the bottom of Democratic interference in the House Intelligence Committee’s efforts to scrub the Russian poop off Donald Trump’s big beautiful behind.”

Asked about his own interference in his committee’s work, the Congressman pointed a finger at himself, sort of.

“Absolutely, the American people want to know why Democrats are allowing me to cancel hearing after hearing and go behind the committee’s back to brief the president on classified material I got from the president. The Select House Intelligence Team is the only way to get to the bottom of the Democrats efforts to allow me to sabotage the work of this committee. Hopefully, I’ll be in charge of the S.H.I.T. You know I’m really good at that kind of stuff.”

Nunes Declares Intelligence Investigation Complete

Actual Photo of Devin Nunes’ Bedspread

Full steam ahead. Congressman Devin Nunes, chair of the tragically mis-named House Intelligence Committee is moving forward with his head scratching strategy for leading the Committee’s investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 U.S. elections. Nunes told reporters today he will go wherever the facts lead, as long as they don’t lead to the White House.

“Let me begin by saying I remain committed to knowing everything there is to know about these baseless, bogus accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. Now, the good news. The investigation is done. Finally! After the shocking cancellation of two Intelligence Committee hearings this week – which I promise I will find out why I did that – I and my fellow Republicans feel we have ignored enough evidence to know everything there is to know about these bogus, baseless accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. It turns out these baseless, bogus accusations are both bogus and baseless. Also bogus.”

Nunes was asked whether he intends to provide documents to back up his claim.

“Yes, but it might take a while. I type like twelve words a minute.”

Paul Ryan Can’t Wait to F**k Up the Rest of Republican Agenda

Actual Photo of Congress Inaction

All of Washington sees the failure of the House of Representatives to pass a law to repeal and replace Obamacare as a catastrophe for both “President” Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan. Ryan disagrees. Paul Ryan told thefloydspin he thinks things are looking up for the Republican legislative agenda.

“Look, when you consider all we did not get done in a very short time you come away thinking this Congress is capable of not doing big things. Think about it. How many times in history has Congress gone from the introduction of major legislation to not passing that legislation in just seventeen days? It’s not been done before. And this is just the beginning. I bet we can not pass comprehensive tax reform in ten days. Infrastructure? Five days, maybe six if we take a day off to not do tort reform. I tell you I’m positively giddy thinking about all the things Republicans can not get done now that we’re in charge. The sky’s not the limit!”

Asked if not governing is what Republicans were sent to Washington to do, Ryan answered from a skewed historical perspective.

“In the immortal words of Bobby Kennedy, ‘Some men see things as they are and say why not. I dream things that never were and say why not not?’ I could not not not have said it better myself.”

Moldy Bread Exceeds Paul Ryan’s Expectations

Actual Photo of Former Republican Voters

Hose Speaker Paul Ryan says the Congressional Budget Office report on his Obamacare replacement plan exceeds his expectations. That comes as a surprise to Ryan’s critics who point out that the CBO says 24 million people would lose their insurance under the plan. In an effort to clarify his position, Speaker Ryan used the Skype app on his microwave oven this morning to reach out to thefloydspin.

“Look, for the record, there are a number of things that exceed my expectations. Vietnam, Ebola, Justin Bieber, Star Wars episodes I, II, and III, moldy bread. So it should come as no surprise that the CBO estimate that millions of poor and elderly people will lose insurance struck me as good news. I was afraid rich people were going to lose their insurance, too. Well thanks to Republican leadership, not only will rich people get to keep their insurance, they’ll get a massive tax break, too. Merry Christmas, America!”

Still stinging from the rejection of his previous carrot and stick insurance proposal, Ryan summed up his argument for the plan he now considers America’s last, best hope for a fair and comprehensive solution for the instability in the private insurance market.

“I have great insurance!”

Steve King Is Defintely Not a Racist

Actual Photo of Steve King, Not a Racist

Steve King is definitely not a racist. Sure, when he tweeted last Sunday “we can’t restore our civilization with somebody else’s babies” he took a lot of heat for making what many are calling a racist statement. But King doesn’t see it that way. Today, when thefloydspin called King, the Iowa Congressman took pains to clarify his position.

“I didn’t mean to say somebody else’s babies can’t contribute to our civilization. I’m sure there are plenty of babies we can let in from places like England and, um, lower England and Britain and maybe the more Englishy parts of France, upper Britain, those places. Those are somebody else’s babies, right? If we let those babies in we can go a long way toward fixing America. Uh oh, I have to go. Fox News is about to air a special report on Obama. Did you know he was Kenyan? Also black.”

Minutes later, King called back to clarify his earlier clarification.

“Look, I have nothing against somebody else’s babies as long as somebody else is exactly like me. I’m talking about good old American, apple pie eating, God fearing folks who work like twelve days a year, cheat on their taxes, blame foreigners and marry within two or three shades of the correct color. My point is I see no reason to throw the babies out with the bathwater, as long as the bathwater isn’t muddy. See? I’m no racist. I’m just picky. Besides, the times they are a changing. If you ask me, racism is the new patriotism.”

Marco Rubio Won’t Do Town Halls Because His Tummy Hurts

Actual Photo of Marco Rubio Bravely Talking to People Who Agree with Him

Florida Senator Marco Rubio wants everybody to know he has feelings and they can be hurt. Rubio, who refuses to hold town hall meetings with constituents because he might get yelled at for supporting Obamacare repeal, told thefloydspin people need to be more sensitive to the pain he goes through when he is forced to face people who disagree with him.

“Make no mistake, I love getting together with voters for a lively discussion of how right I am about stuff I’m right about. But these activists who want to express their own so called ‘opinions’ make me sick to my stomach. My stomach is very sensitive. I also get a little queasy when I eat bell peppers or apricots. Just mention apricots and I get thirsty and my tummy hurts. I have to drink a quart of water and take a nap.”

Rubio has little sympathy for people who might be hurt by the repeal of Obamacare.

“If people can’t afford health insurance they should do what the rest of us do, become senators. I have excellent insurance, which I earned by doing the hard work of courageously voting for excellent insurance for me. Besides, we are going to replace Obamacare with something much better. It may not cover as many people and it will probably cost more and the benefits will definitely suck but anything is better than Obamacare, right? Oh, my tummy hurts. Good thing I have insurance.”