House speaker Paul Ryan has doubled down on his plan to set work requirements for recipients of food stamps as part of the Farm Bill currently being considered by Congress. In a statement to members of the House Freedom Caucus yesterday Ryan said he intends to impose a binding servitude clause on any able bodied worker over the age of 6 who fits a certain profile, which Ryan defined as “non-traditional socio-economical-ethnic,” and which black people describe as “black.” Ryan said his proposal makes sense for everybody.
“Look, it’s not like this hasn’t been done before. Back in the 1800’s we had a win-win program just like this. People had lifetime job security, plantation owners made a killing and some wonderful songs about freedom and hardship and freedom became part of the fabric of America. And speaking of fabric, don’t forget that was the heyday of the cotton industry in this country.”
Ryan bristled when confronted with the similarities between his idea and America’s original sin.
“This is not slavery. With slavery black people were beaten and they had to work like animals just to stay alive in a society where they were treated like property because of the color of their skin. With my plan nobody gets beaten, but if they do, at least they won’t go hungry, but if they do go hungry, we’ll get some awesome songs out of it.”
White House spokesman Devin Nunes confirmed today that “President” Trump will not release the 10 page memo produced by Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee because it consists of too many words. Appearing on Fox and Friends, Nunes went on to say that Trump might consider releasing the memo at some future date if Democrats agreed to “edit out the words.”
Nunes admitted that neither he nor the President has read the memo. “It’s all about plausible recusability. If I read the memo I’d have to read all memos and I’ve recused myself from reading because, um, I’m Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee so, you know, um, intelligence… I mean… crap, I lost my train of thought… who was talking just now?”
Nunes tried to change the subject. “The President hasn’t read the memo either, but he has given me a statement to read that says something. That is, I think the President’s statement says something. I can’t be sure because I’m not going to read it because I can’t read it without reading it. Government is hard.”
Citing a need for “plausible deniability,” Republicans in the House of Representatives are defending their vote to repeal and replace Obamacare without actually reading the bill. Thefloydspin spoke with House speaker Paul Ryan about the controversial strategy.
“Look, for the last seven years Republicans have campaigned on repeal and replace, not repeal and improve. Now maybe millions will lose their healthcare, and perhaps thousands will die, and it’s possible rich people will get a massive tax cut. That could all be true but, since we didn’t read the bill, we can’t be held responsible. Besides, if we spent a ton of time reading that bill we wouldn’t have time to do a tax reform package that will potentially reward the rich, possibly screw poor people and maybe blow up the deficit, which it may or may not do. Who knows? Not Republicans. We’re definitely not going to read that one either.”
Ryan is confident the strategy poses little risk for Republicans in the upcoming midterm elections.
“If voters paid any attention at all we’d be facing disaster in 2018. But what are the odds of that happening? I mean, look at how many people read thefloydspin? This article you’re writing, I’m not going to read it. I assume it will consist of fake quotes about politics, my drug habit and the embarrassing picture of me wearing a pink tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin mini mall parking lot. And make no mistake, all that is fine with me, as long as you don’t mention how hard Republicans are screwing America.”
House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes has had it with Democrats interfering with his committee’s investigation into Russian hacking. Nunes told thefloydspin this morning he is calling for a committee to investigate his investigation.
“Democrats have a lot to answer for and I’m calling for a Select House Intelligence Team to make sure they are held to account. It’ll be like the Benghazi Committee Committee or the Benghazi Committee Committee Committee, which were charged with investigating the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi and the Benghazi Committee Committee’s investigation of the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi, respectively. All of those committees did a bang-up job and it’s that kind of investigative zeal we need to get to the bottom of Democratic interference in the House Intelligence Committee’s efforts to scrub the Russian poop off Donald Trump’s big beautiful behind.”
Asked about his own interference in his committee’s work, the Congressman pointed a finger at himself, sort of.
“Absolutely, the American people want to know why Democrats are allowing me to cancel hearing after hearing and go behind the committee’s back to brief the president on classified material I got from the president. The Select House Intelligence Team is the only way to get to the bottom of the Democrats efforts to allow me to sabotage the work of this committee. Hopefully, I’ll be in charge of the S.H.I.T. You know I’m really good at that kind of stuff.”
Full steam ahead. Congressman Devin Nunes, chair of the tragically mis-named House Intelligence Committee is moving forward with his head scratching strategy for leading the Committee’s investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 U.S. elections. Nunes told reporters today he will go wherever the facts lead, as long as they don’t lead to the White House.
“Let me begin by saying I remain committed to knowing everything there is to know about these baseless, bogus accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. Now, the good news. The investigation is done. Finally! After the shocking cancellation of two Intelligence Committee hearings this week – which I promise I will find out why I did that – I and my fellow Republicans feel we have ignored enough evidence to know everything there is to know about these bogus, baseless accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. It turns out these baseless, bogus accusations are both bogus and baseless. Also bogus.”
Nunes was asked whether he intends to provide documents to back up his claim.
“Yes, but it might take a while. I type like twelve words a minute.”
All of Washington sees the failure of the House of Representatives to pass a law to repeal and replace Obamacare as a catastrophe for both “President” Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan. Ryan disagrees. Paul Ryan told thefloydspin he thinks things are looking up for the Republican legislative agenda.
“Look, when you consider all we did not get done in a very short time you come away thinking this Congress is capable of not doing big things. Think about it. How many times in history has Congress gone from the introduction of major legislation to not passing that legislation in just seventeen days? It’s not been done before. And this is just the beginning. I bet we can not pass comprehensive tax reform in ten days. Infrastructure? Five days, maybe six if we take a day off to not do tort reform. I tell you I’m positively giddy thinking about all the things Republicans can not get done now that we’re in charge. The sky’s not the limit!”
Asked if not governing is what Republicans were sent to Washington to do, Ryan answered from a skewed historical perspective.
“In the immortal words of Bobby Kennedy, ‘Some men see things as they are and say why not. I dream things that never were and say why not not?’ I could not not not have said it better myself.”
Hose Speaker Paul Ryan says the Congressional Budget Office report on his Obamacare replacement plan exceeds his expectations. That comes as a surprise to Ryan’s critics who point out that the CBO says 24 million people would lose their insurance under the plan. In an effort to clarify his position, Speaker Ryan used the Skype app on his microwave oven this morning to reach out to thefloydspin.
“Look, for the record, there are a number of things that exceed my expectations. Vietnam, Ebola, Justin Bieber, Star Wars episodes I, II, and III, moldy bread. So it should come as no surprise that the CBO estimate that millions of poor and elderly people will lose insurance struck me as good news. I was afraid rich people were going to lose their insurance, too. Well thanks to Republican leadership, not only will rich people get to keep their insurance, they’ll get a massive tax break, too. Merry Christmas, America!”
Still stinging from the rejection of his previous carrot and stick insurance proposal, Ryan summed up his argument for the plan he now considers America’s last, best hope for a fair and comprehensive solution for the instability in the private insurance market.