Paul Ryan Can’t Wait to F**k Up the Rest of Republican Agenda

Actual Photo of Congress Inaction

All of Washington sees the failure of the House of Representatives to pass a law to repeal and replace Obamacare as a catastrophe for both “President” Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan. Ryan disagrees. Paul Ryan told thefloydspin he thinks things are looking up for the Republican legislative agenda.

“Look, when you consider all we did not get done in a very short time you come away thinking this Congress is capable of not doing big things. Think about it. How many times in history has Congress gone from the introduction of major legislation to not passing that legislation in just seventeen days? It’s not been done before. And this is just the beginning. I bet we can not pass comprehensive tax reform in ten days. Infrastructure? Five days, maybe six if we take a day off to not do tort reform. I tell you I’m positively giddy thinking about all the things Republicans can not get done now that we’re in charge. The sky’s not the limit!”

Asked if not governing is what Republicans were sent to Washington to do, Ryan answered from a skewed historical perspective.

“In the immortal words of Bobby Kennedy, ‘Some men see things as they are and say why not. I dream things that never were and say why not not?’ I could not not not have said it better myself.”

Moldy Bread Exceeds Paul Ryan’s Expectations

Actual Photo of Former Republican Voters

Hose Speaker Paul Ryan says the Congressional Budget Office report on his Obamacare replacement plan exceeds his expectations. That comes as a surprise to Ryan’s critics who point out that the CBO says 24 million people would lose their insurance under the plan. In an effort to clarify his position, Speaker Ryan used the Skype app on his microwave oven this morning to reach out to thefloydspin.

“Look, for the record, there are a number of things that exceed my expectations. Vietnam, Ebola, Justin Bieber, Star Wars episodes I, II, and III, moldy bread. So it should come as no surprise that the CBO estimate that millions of poor and elderly people will lose insurance struck me as good news. I was afraid rich people were going to lose their insurance, too. Well thanks to Republican leadership, not only will rich people get to keep their insurance, they’ll get a massive tax break, too. Merry Christmas, America!”

Still stinging from the rejection of his previous carrot and stick insurance proposal, Ryan summed up his argument for the plan he now considers America’s last, best hope for a fair and comprehensive solution for the instability in the private insurance market.

“I have great insurance!”

Steve King Is Defintely Not a Racist

Actual Photo of Steve King, Not a Racist

Steve King is definitely not a racist. Sure, when he tweeted last Sunday “we can’t restore our civilization with somebody else’s babies” he took a lot of heat for making what many are calling a racist statement. But King doesn’t see it that way. Today, when thefloydspin called King, the Iowa Congressman took pains to clarify his position.

“I didn’t mean to say somebody else’s babies can’t contribute to our civilization. I’m sure there are plenty of babies we can let in from places like England and, um, lower England and Britain and maybe the more Englishy parts of France, upper Britain, those places. Those are somebody else’s babies, right? If we let those babies in we can go a long way toward fixing America. Uh oh, I have to go. Fox News is about to air a special report on Obama. Did you know he was Kenyan? Also black.”

Minutes later, King called back to clarify his earlier clarification.

“Look, I have nothing against somebody else’s babies as long as somebody else is exactly like me. I’m talking about good old American, apple pie eating, God fearing folks who work like twelve days a year, cheat on their taxes, blame foreigners and marry within two or three shades of the correct color. My point is I see no reason to throw the babies out with the bathwater, as long as the bathwater isn’t muddy. See? I’m no racist. I’m just picky. Besides, the times they are a changing. If you ask me, racism is the new patriotism.”

Marco Rubio Won’t Do Town Halls Because His Tummy Hurts

Actual Photo of Marco Rubio Bravely Talking to People Who Agree with Him

Florida Senator Marco Rubio wants everybody to know he has feelings and they can be hurt. Rubio, who refuses to hold town hall meetings with constituents because he might get yelled at for supporting Obamacare repeal, told thefloydspin people need to be more sensitive to the pain he goes through when he is forced to face people who disagree with him.

“Make no mistake, I love getting together with voters for a lively discussion of how right I am about stuff I’m right about. But these activists who want to express their own so called ‘opinions’ make me sick to my stomach. My stomach is very sensitive. I also get a little queasy when I eat bell peppers or apricots. Just mention apricots and I get thirsty and my tummy hurts. I have to drink a quart of water and take a nap.”

Rubio has little sympathy for people who might be hurt by the repeal of Obamacare.

“If people can’t afford health insurance they should do what the rest of us do, become senators. I have excellent insurance, which I earned by doing the hard work of courageously voting for excellent insurance for me. Besides, we are going to replace Obamacare with something much better. It may not cover as many people and it will probably cost more and the benefits will definitely suck but anything is better than Obamacare, right? Oh, my tummy hurts. Good thing I have insurance.”

Conway: Town Hall Crowds are Fake Fakey Fakers!

Actual Photo of a Professional Domestic Terrorist Promoting Jihad

Thank God we have Kellyanne Conway to set the record straight! Conway, went on Fox and Friends today to report that the boisterous crowds showing up at Republican Congressional town halls across the nation are the same professional domestic terrorists responsible for the Bowling Green Massacre, the Houston Holocaust, the New Jersey Genocide and the Salt Lake City Stink-out. Conway, whose relationship with the truth usually causes the truth to throw up in its mouth, expressed dismay that any reasonable person could be angry with their Congressman.

“Look, we all know these fake people showing up at town halls don’t count because most of them aren’t even Republicans. They’re professional liberal nut jobs who think healthcare is for sick people, ice melts when the temperature goes up, and the president shouldn’t lift Russian sanctions while cupping Vladimir Putin’s Faberge eggs. Yesterday, I saw a little girl get up at a town hall and claim she believes in science. Come on! Girls suck at science! This fake kid is a faker. She’s part of the vast left-wing conspiracy that wants to make Republicans look like they don’t care about kids. Nothing could be further from the truth! Somebody needs to slap the cuffs on this fake fakey faker kid, take away her dolly and throw her in jail!”

Conway was asked what evidence she has to connect the rowdy crowds with the Bowling Green Massacre and other alternatragedies.

“Evidence? Ha! Do you honestly think that if Americans cared about evidence I’d have this job?”

Paul Ryan Announces Obamacare Replacement Plan: CarrotsandStickcare

Actual Photo of a Stick

Republicans in Congress have hit upon the perfect replacement plan for Obamacare. House Speaker Paul Ryan told thefloydspin the new plan is guaranteed to succeed because it contains the right balance of carrots and sticks.

“Look, the naysayers said it would be impossible to replace Obamacare without millions losing coverage or premiums going up or quality of care going down. Well, Republicans refused to listen to the doom and gloom crowd. We rolled up our sleeves and crafted a better way. We call it CarrotsandStickcare and the greatest thing about it is its simplicity. Whereas Obamacare consists of 70 billion pages of rules and regulations, CarrotsandStickcare fits on a 3 x 5 index card. It doesn’t take a genius to understand how it works. Every American gets a burlap bag full of carrots and a stick. Then we sit back and let the free market sort things out.”

Speaker Ryan’s explanation of the free market component of CarrotsandStickcare was refreshingly candid.

“They say the devil is in the details. That’s the beauty of CarrotsandStickcare; there are no details. We give everybody carrots and they get to choose for themselves whether they eat the carrots and remain healthy or they let the carrots rot, which is where the stick comes in. If a healthy, carrot eating citizen sees some diseased slob lying around letting his carrots rot, he gets to play whack-a-sickie with his government provided stick. Of course, technically, no one is required to whack anybody, because that would be a mandate and Republicans don’t believe in mandates. On the other hand, who’s going to pass up the chance to whack somebody with a stick?”

Asked whether Republicans have a plan B, in case CarrotsandStickcare doesn’t fly with the American people, Ryan mood turned somber.

“Yeah, BareBonescare. The name says it all.”

Sean Spicer: Trump to Make America Even Safer by Banning the Truth

Actual Photo of the Secret Trump Handshake

“President” Trump never met an executive order he didn’t like. In a dramatic expansion of his executive order on immigration, Trump will now ban all truthful statements, scientific facts and differing opinions from entering the United States. Press secretary Sean Spicer told thefloydspin the move is designed to keep America safe.

“Look, the only way we make it through these dangerous times is if we all shut up, pull together, shut up, do what we’re told and shut up. It’s easy. The Germans did it. And look at the Republican leadership in Congress. A couple of months ago they were all convinced Donald Trump was a racist, fascist demagogue. Now, they act like he’s the greatest thing since sliced white bread. Did Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell suddenly change their minds? Please! They just realized that after Donald Trump’s 25 million vote victory, the truth isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. America doesn’t want the truth. America wants a Great Leader who will lead America to greatness. As sure as my initials are SS, that leader is Donald Trump!”

Spicer hinted at even further expansion of Trump’s ban.

“Watch out, California, we’ve got our eye on you!”