Paul Ryan Thinks He’s a Chicken

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Actual Photo of the Egg Paul Ryan Laid

House speaker Paul Ryan is on the case. Ryan told thefloydspin today that Republicans in Congress will follow the facts as they investigate whether “President” Trump attempted to obstruct the FBI’s investigation into his campaign’s involvement with Russian meddling in the U.S. election.

“Look, just because James Comey wrote a memo, that doesn’t mean President Trump did anything wrong. Keep in mind, this Comey character got fired recently. Are we honestly going to believe someone who can’t hold down a steady job? My motto has always been, ‘Never trust the unemployed.’ Don’t trust poor people, either. Or women, especially pregnant women or women who may become pregnant, which is basically all women. ‘Don’t trust women, poor people, unemployed people or unemployed people who write memos.’ That’s my new, revised motto.”

Asked if the Comey memo is the smoking gun that could get Trump impeached, Ryan pretended to be a chicken by flapping his arms, pecking and laying an egg.

“Boc boc boc boc boc! Boc boc!”

Sean Spicer’s Special Passover Message

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Actual Photo of a Holocaust Center

Oops! He did it again. Sean Spicer is backpedaling faster than an NFL free safety after comments he made yesterday favorably comparing Adolf Hitler to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. In an interview with thefloydspin, Spicer, who admitted he has let “President” Trump down, explained himself.

“I didn’t say Hitler was a nice guy. All I said was Adolf Hitler didn’t drop sarin gas on his own people, which is true. It’s like if I stab you through the heart with a kitchen knife but I don’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun. Aren’t you glad I didn’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun? Or let’s say I systematically exterminate you and six million of your Jewish friends, but I don’t drop a single sarin gas bomb on you. If you’re someone like me who sees the glass as half full, you’re naturally going to be grateful, right?”

Spicer apologized for making it look like the Trump White House is trying to gloss over the Holocaust.

“The president knows the Holocaust was terrible. That’s why there is no longer any Holocaust Center funding in his proposed budget. You’re welcome and Happy Passover!”

Nunes Calls for Investigation Investigation

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Actual Photo of the Gavel Chairman Nunes Uses to Beat Democracy over the Head

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes has had it with Democrats interfering with his committee’s investigation into Russian hacking. Nunes told thefloydspin this morning he is calling for a committee to investigate his investigation.

“Democrats have a lot to answer for and I’m calling for a Select House Intelligence Team to make sure they are held to account. It’ll be like the Benghazi Committee Committee or the Benghazi Committee Committee Committee, which were charged with investigating the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi and the Benghazi Committee Committee’s investigation of the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi, respectively. All of those committees did a bang-up job and it’s that kind of investigative zeal we need to get to the bottom of Democratic interference in the House Intelligence Committee’s efforts to scrub the Russian poop off Donald Trump’s big beautiful behind.”

Asked about his own interference in his committee’s work, the Congressman pointed a finger at himself, sort of.

“Absolutely, the American people want to know why Democrats are allowing me to cancel hearing after hearing and go behind the committee’s back to brief the president on classified material I got from the president. The Select House Intelligence Team is the only way to get to the bottom of the Democrats efforts to allow me to sabotage the work of this committee. Hopefully, I’ll be in charge of the S.H.I.T. You know I’m really good at that kind of stuff.”

Nunes Declares Intelligence Investigation Complete

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Actual Photo of Devin Nunes’ Bedspread

Full steam ahead. Congressman Devin Nunes, chair of the tragically mis-named House Intelligence Committee is moving forward with his head scratching strategy for leading the Committee’s investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 U.S. elections. Nunes told reporters today he will go wherever the facts lead, as long as they don’t lead to the White House.

“Let me begin by saying I remain committed to knowing everything there is to know about these baseless, bogus accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. Now, the good news. The investigation is done. Finally! After the shocking cancellation of two Intelligence Committee hearings this week – which I promise I will find out why I did that – I and my fellow Republicans feel we have ignored enough evidence to know everything there is to know about these bogus, baseless accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. It turns out these baseless, bogus accusations are both bogus and baseless. Also bogus.”

Nunes was asked whether he intends to provide documents to back up his claim.

“Yes, but it might take a while. I type like twelve words a minute.”

Spicer Accuses Obama of Sneaky Toaster Oven Illegal Surveillance Tapping

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Metaphorical Photo of a Telephone

According to Sean Spicer, President Obama used a toaster oven to conduct illegal surveillance on Donald Trump during the presidential campaign. At the daily White House press briefing this morning, Spicer downplayed “President” Trump’s March 4th tweet accusing the former president of tapping his phones.

“When the president said Obama was tapping his phones he meant that metaphorically, not literally. It’s like when he says he’s going to be great for the little guy or he’s going to get rid of ISIS. Those are metaphors. The president is very metaphorical. It’s the same with phone tapping. Phone tapping is a metaphor for sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping. Really, the two are interchangeable, just like we’re gonna ‘drain the swamp’ is interchangeable with we’re gonna ‘stock the cabinet full of billionaires and nincompoops.’ People need to learn to not take this president literally when he’s joking, which is metaphor for lying.”

Spicer assured the press corps that the Trump administration would soon provide proof of Obama’s sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping.

“We’ll be giving Congress conclusive evidence by tomorrow, which is a metaphorical way of saying no we won’t. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to helping the president make America great again, if you know what I mean.”

Sessions Tells the Dishonest Truth about Honest Lies

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Honest Photo of Jeff Sessions

Attorney General Jeff Sessions has a perfectly good, new and improved explanation. In a news conference yesterday, Sessions announced his intention to recuse himself from the investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian officials, despite his earlier claim that he was sexy space vixen Barbarella – not genteel Southern racist Senator Jeff Sessions – when he met Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. Sessions told the press he misunderstood the question when senator Al Franken asked him about communications between the Trump campaign and the Russians.

“It was an honest lie. I thought he was asking me about the meetings that took place between Jared Kushner and the Russians or Michael Flynn and the Russians or Carter Page and the Russians or Paul Manafort and the Russians or Ivanka’s cat and the Russians or the doorman at Trump Tower and the Russians or basically everybody who was in any way connected with the Trump campaign and the Russians. Honestly, I thought I was lying about all of them, not me. I don’t see why everybody is so upset over me lying about me when clearly I was lying about them. And that’s the truth, as far as you know. By the way, don’t be surprised tomorrow when President Trump eliminates tariffs on Russian catnip.”

The Attorney General agreed that, as the nation’s top law enforcement official, he has a special responsibility to tell the truth.

“Absolutely. That’s why I recently underwent surgery to have all the fingers on both hands permanently crossed. I thought that would be enough but now I see I’m going to need to get the toes done, too.”

Jeff Sessions: I Didn’t Meet with Russian Ambassador, Barbarella Did!

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Actual Photo of Jeff Sessions Recusing Himself

Attorney General Jeff Sessions can’t understand what all the fuss is about. Sessions, who is under fire for lying during his senate confirmation hearing about meetings he had with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, tells thefloydspin he met with Kislyak not as Jeff Sessions but as Barbarella, the sexy space hottie played by Jane Fonda in the movie of the same name.

“Folks are upset because they think it was Trump Adviser Jeff Sessions or Senator Jeff Sessions who met with the Russian Ambassador. Nothing could be further from the truth! When we met I was Barbarella. You can ask Sergey. I was dressed in a sexy space boustierre with a see through breast window to show off my boobs. I’ll tell you, I never thought my saggy old man breasts could be sexy until I saw the tent Sergey pitched in his pants when we were talking about Vladimir Putin’s efforts to sabotage Hillary Clinton’s campaign! Just thinking about it makes me blush!”

Sessions confirmed that to avoid the appearance of impropriety, he will recuse himself from the investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian officials.

“Attorney General Jeff Sessions won’t be involved in the investigation, but Barbarella pledges to get to the bottom of this whole naughty affair!”