According to Sean Spicer, President Obama used a toaster oven to conduct illegal surveillance on Donald Trump during the presidential campaign. At the daily White House press briefing this morning, Spicer downplayed “President” Trump’s March 4th tweet accusing the former president of tapping his phones.
“When the president said Obama was tapping his phones he meant that metaphorically, not literally. It’s like when he says he’s going to be great for the little guy or he’s going to get rid of ISIS. Those are metaphors. The president is very metaphorical. It’s the same with phone tapping. Phone tapping is a metaphor for sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping. Really, the two are interchangeable, just like we’re gonna ‘drain the swamp’ is interchangeable with we’re gonna ‘stock the cabinet full of billionaires and nincompoops.’ People need to learn to not take this president literally when he’s joking, which is metaphor for lying.”
Spicer assured the press corps that the Trump administration would soon provide proof of Obama’s sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping.
“We’ll be giving Congress conclusive evidence by tomorrow, which is a metaphorical way of saying no we won’t. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to helping the president make America great again, if you know what I mean.”
Attorney General Jeff Sessions has a perfectly good, new and improved explanation. In a news conference yesterday, Sessions announced his intention to recuse himself from the investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian officials, despite his earlier claim that he was sexy space vixen Barbarella – not genteel Southern racist Senator Jeff Sessions – when he met Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. Sessions told the press he misunderstood the question when senator Al Franken asked him about communications between the Trump campaign and the Russians.
“It was an honest lie. I thought he was asking me about the meetings that took place between Jared Kushner and the Russians or Michael Flynn and the Russians or Carter Page and the Russians or Paul Manafort and the Russians or Ivanka’s cat and the Russians or the doorman at Trump Tower and the Russians or basically everybody who was in any way connected with the Trump campaign and the Russians. Honestly, I thought I was lying about all of them, not me. I don’t see why everybody is so upset over me lying about me when clearly I was lying about them. And that’s the truth, as far as you know. By the way, don’t be surprised tomorrow when President Trump eliminates tariffs on Russian catnip.”
The Attorney General agreed that, as the nation’s top law enforcement official, he has a special responsibility to tell the truth.
“Absolutely. That’s why I recently underwent surgery to have all the fingers on both hands permanently crossed. I thought that would be enough but now I see I’m going to need to get the toes done, too.”
Attorney General Jeff Sessions can’t understand what all the fuss is about. Sessions, who is under fire for lying during his senate confirmation hearing about meetings he had with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, tells thefloydspin he met with Kislyak not as Jeff Sessions but as Barbarella, the sexy space hottie played by Jane Fonda in the movie of the same name.
“Folks are upset because they think it was Trump Adviser Jeff Sessions or Senator Jeff Sessions who met with the Russian Ambassador. Nothing could be further from the truth! When we met I was Barbarella. You can ask Sergey. I was dressed in a sexy space boustierre with a see through breast window to show off my boobs. I’ll tell you, I never thought my saggy old man breasts could be sexy until I saw the tent Sergey pitched in his pants when we were talking about Vladimir Putin’s efforts to sabotage Hillary Clinton’s campaign! Just thinking about it makes me blush!”
Sessions confirmed that to avoid the appearance of impropriety, he will recuse himself from the investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian officials.
“Attorney General Jeff Sessions won’t be involved in the investigation, but Barbarella pledges to get to the bottom of this whole naughty affair!”
Boris Badenov has been named “President” Donald Trump’s new National Security Adviser. The announcement, which comes on the heels of the resignation of retired General and big fat liar Michael Flynn, invites criticism from those who say Trump is too cozy with Russia. Press secretary Sean Spicer released a sharply worded statement disputing that criticism.
“Mr. Badenov will make a terrific National Security Adviser and he’s totally not Russian! Any idiot can tell you Boris Badenov is a Soviet spy! Not Russian! Anybody who says he’s Russian is trying to cover up the fact that Hillary Clinton would have lost the popular vote if illegal African-‘Americans’ and Mexican-‘Americans’ and Educated-‘Americans’ hadn’t illegally cast billions of illegal votes. So, to sum up, nobody else wanted the job!”
Badenov told thefloydspin he will take quick, decisive action to shore up national security.
“First, I use drone to blow up moose and squirrel. Next, I find loophole in travel ban to let sexy spy and kinky wife Natasha Fatale to return to her little studmufski. Then I quit NATO, bring back pencil mustache, annex Canada and tap phone of Vice-President Pence. Only in America can scheming, power hungry, two-dimensional character get chance to shape whole entire world. And I am thrilled to work for him!”
It turns out everything “President” Donald Trump says is true, at least on the quantum level. Caltech physicist Dr. Abigail Parks, whose groundbreaking study of then candidate Trump’s quasi-beta-mega-mesa-boson-quarky- neutrino-schmeutrino particle effect won her the People’s Choice Award for Physics, told thefloydspin how the laws of quantum physics work in Trump’s favor every time he opens his mouth.
“Let’s say Donald Trump claims he won the popular vote, or he tells us the murder rate is the highest it’s been in 40 years, or he insists Melania loves him for who he is, deep down. All of these things are demonstrably bullshit, if you’ll pardon my jargon, but not necessarily at the quantum level. In the teeny tiny quantum universe, anything and everything is always happening simultaneously so, theoretically, all his lies could be absolutely true. Well, all except the Melania thing. Even infinite possibilities don’t allow for that one.”
Dr. Parks is convinced the quasi-beta-mega-mesa-boson-quarky- neutrino-schmeutrino particle effect that follows Trump around can be harnessed for the good of mankind.
“If we can figure out a way to tame this thing, we could do some big stuff. Change the way the rest of the world sees America, bring a basic level of competence back to the White House, maybe even make America great again. Of course, it would have been easier to do all that if Hillary had won the electoral college. Yuck! How’d I get stuck with this crappy universe?”
Vladimir Putin revealed today that he is Donald Trump’s Secret Santa. In an exclusive interview with thefloydspin, the Russian President complained about how hard it is to get something for a man who has everything.
“I find out in July from Top Secret CIA document I accidentally find in junk mail that I am Secret Santa for Donald. Well, at first I think is difficult to get something special for him. After all, Donald is billionaire tycoon with hot wife and plenty of all things money can steal. But then I think what does Donald want most of all things? Of course! I make him President! Also I give nice pair of wool socks, in case first gift sucks.”
Putin seemed unperturbed by the President elect’s steadfast refusal to believe Russian hacks into Hillary Clinton’s campaign emails were meant to tip the election in his favor.
“Is fine. I know Donald will show appreciation. I think maybe he give me plenty of no more sanctions and also withdrawl of few thousand troops from Europe followed by Amazon gift card. Then we call it even. Is fair trade, no? Warm socks for Donald, cool puppet for me!”
Walter Berry wants a do-over. The 56 year-old auto mechanic from Lansing, Michigan says when he cast his vote in November, he didn’t think it would make a difference. Now he and thousands of other swing state voters are faced with the dawning realization that they helped move Donald Trump into the White House.
“Truth be told, I voted for him out of spite. I figured, what’s the worst that could happen? I guess I should have taken a stab at answering that one before I voted. But like a lot of folks around here, I couldn’t see how a lame-brained blowhard with the attention span of a two-year-old could be worse than what we have now. Yeah, that’s definitely another we all should have thought about a little harder. Who am I kidding? Sometime in the next four years I’ll get the answers to my dumb questions. What scares me is the answers will probably be dumber than the questions. On the other hand, Trump does have a hot wife.”
Asked whom he would vote for if the election were held today, Berry had a surprisingly well reasoned answer.