Putin Adopts Donald Trump Jr.

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Actual Photo of Junior Signing a Document He’ll Forget

Donald Trump Jr. has changed his story. Again. Trump is now saying the meeting that took place at Trump Tower last June was about Russian adoptions after all. Speaking to Tucker Carlson on Fox News last night, Junior finally came clean with the whole, real, true account of what happened in the meeting.

“Tucker, that meeting wasn’t about getting the goods on Hillary Clinton. It wasn’t about Russian sanctions relief. And it for sure wasn’t about sharing detailed NATO troop deployment figures, including contingency plans for Russian land, air and sea incursions over a three thousand mile corridor. How could it be? Jared didn’t have his security clearance, yet. It was about the love between a vicious tyrant and a vicious tyrant’s son. That was the day I looked into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and knew he would be the dad I never had. That was the day we started adoption proceedings. As of 3 o’clock this afternoon, I’m officially Vladimir Putin’s filthy rich kid.”

Trump said Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ recent comments vindicated his decision to embrace Putin.

“When she said I played a very minor role in the Trump family for a short period of time, that hurt. I played a very minor role in the Trump family for a long period of time. There’s a difference.”

Bare-Chested Putin Attended Meeting with Trump Jr.

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Actual Photo of the Head Custodian Commuting to His Job at Trump Tower

Thefloydspin has learned that Russian President Vladimir Putin participated in the meeting between Donald Trump, Jr. and a Russian government lawyer. In an email, Trump’s attorney, Alan Futerfas, confirmed Putin’s presence at the meeting but insisted his client didn’t know who Putin was.

“It’s a simple case of mistaken identity. Donald Trump Jr. thought Mr. Putin was the head custodian at Trump Tower. When Donald entered the room, he saw a bare chested Putin digging through the waste basket, so he naturally assumed this guy couldn’t afford a shirt and was looking for spare change and aluminum cans. The Trumps don’t pay their help much so that story checks out.”

Minutes later, Futerfas followed up with another email meant to set the record straight about his first email.

“In retrospect, my client would have done things differently if he had known he was meeting with the President of Russia to discuss Russian baby adoptions, which is all that was discussed, unless somebody secretly recorded this meeting, in which case please delete that first email I sent. Please delete this email, too, so there will be no email record of this email about that email I definitely didn’t send about something that may or may not have been discussed, which if it was, it wasn’t, in a meeting which may or may not have happened, which if it did, it didn’t. Shift delete.”

More on this story as it develops, which it will.

White House Never Heard of Donald Trump Jr.

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Actual Photo of a 1930 Underwood Typewriter

Amid the growing Donald Trump Jr. email scandal, Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted today that the eldest Trump son can’t be “President” Trump’s real offspring because he sucks so hard at lying. Sanders’ revelation came during a bizarre White House press conference at which cameras, sound recording devices, notepads, pencils, pens and 1930 Underwood typewriters were prohibited. As a result, reporters were forced to jab their fingers with paper clips and transcribe notes in blood on their own stomachs.

Sanders blamed a hospital records foul-up for her boss being saddled with a numbskull kid.

“Donald Trump Jr. played a minor role for a short time in the Trump family. Really. This is a birth certificate mix-up. Whoever this kid is, we now know two things about him. First, he was born in Hawaii. Or Kenya. I get those two mixed up. Second, he’s black. Or Jewish. I get those two mixed up. And also second, he doesn’t know how to lie. Or tell the truth. I get those two mixed up.”

Asked for documentation to back up her claim, Sanders sought to tap into the deep reservoir of good will she has developed with the White House press corp.

“Are you calling me a liar? Or are you saying I’m telling the truth? Well, which is it? Seriously, I get those two mixed up.”

Paul Ryan Thinks He’s a Chicken

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Actual Photo of the Egg Paul Ryan Laid

House speaker Paul Ryan is on the case. Ryan told thefloydspin today that Republicans in Congress will follow the facts as they investigate whether “President” Trump attempted to obstruct the FBI’s investigation into his campaign’s involvement with Russian meddling in the U.S. election.

“Look, just because James Comey wrote a memo, that doesn’t mean President Trump did anything wrong. Keep in mind, this Comey character got fired recently. Are we honestly going to believe someone who can’t hold down a steady job? My motto has always been, ‘Never trust the unemployed.’ Don’t trust poor people, either. Or women, especially pregnant women or women who may become pregnant, which is basically all women. ‘Don’t trust women, poor people, unemployed people or unemployed people who write memos.’ That’s my new, revised motto.”

Asked if the Comey memo is the smoking gun that could get Trump impeached, Ryan pretended to be a chicken by flapping his arms, pecking and laying an egg.

“Boc boc boc boc boc! Boc boc!”

Sean Spicer’s Special Passover Message

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Actual Photo of a Holocaust Center

Oops! He did it again. Sean Spicer is backpedaling faster than an NFL free safety after comments he made yesterday favorably comparing Adolf Hitler to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. In an interview with thefloydspin, Spicer, who admitted he has let “President” Trump down, explained himself.

“I didn’t say Hitler was a nice guy. All I said was Adolf Hitler didn’t drop sarin gas on his own people, which is true. It’s like if I stab you through the heart with a kitchen knife but I don’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun. Aren’t you glad I didn’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun? Or let’s say I systematically exterminate you and six million of your Jewish friends, but I don’t drop a single sarin gas bomb on you. If you’re someone like me who sees the glass as half full, you’re naturally going to be grateful, right?”

Spicer apologized for making it look like the Trump White House is trying to gloss over the Holocaust.

“The president knows the Holocaust was terrible. That’s why there is no longer any Holocaust Center funding in his proposed budget. You’re welcome and Happy Passover!”

Nunes Calls for Investigation Investigation

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Actual Photo of the Gavel Chairman Nunes Uses to Beat Democracy over the Head

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes has had it with Democrats interfering with his committee’s investigation into Russian hacking. Nunes told thefloydspin this morning he is calling for a committee to investigate his investigation.

“Democrats have a lot to answer for and I’m calling for a Select House Intelligence Team to make sure they are held to account. It’ll be like the Benghazi Committee Committee or the Benghazi Committee Committee Committee, which were charged with investigating the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi and the Benghazi Committee Committee’s investigation of the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi, respectively. All of those committees did a bang-up job and it’s that kind of investigative zeal we need to get to the bottom of Democratic interference in the House Intelligence Committee’s efforts to scrub the Russian poop off Donald Trump’s big beautiful behind.”

Asked about his own interference in his committee’s work, the Congressman pointed a finger at himself, sort of.

“Absolutely, the American people want to know why Democrats are allowing me to cancel hearing after hearing and go behind the committee’s back to brief the president on classified material I got from the president. The Select House Intelligence Team is the only way to get to the bottom of the Democrats efforts to allow me to sabotage the work of this committee. Hopefully, I’ll be in charge of the S.H.I.T. You know I’m really good at that kind of stuff.”

Nunes Declares Intelligence Investigation Complete

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Actual Photo of Devin Nunes’ Bedspread

Full steam ahead. Congressman Devin Nunes, chair of the tragically mis-named House Intelligence Committee is moving forward with his head scratching strategy for leading the Committee’s investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 U.S. elections. Nunes told reporters today he will go wherever the facts lead, as long as they don’t lead to the White House.

“Let me begin by saying I remain committed to knowing everything there is to know about these baseless, bogus accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. Now, the good news. The investigation is done. Finally! After the shocking cancellation of two Intelligence Committee hearings this week – which I promise I will find out why I did that – I and my fellow Republicans feel we have ignored enough evidence to know everything there is to know about these bogus, baseless accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. It turns out these baseless, bogus accusations are both bogus and baseless. Also bogus.”

Nunes was asked whether he intends to provide documents to back up his claim.

“Yes, but it might take a while. I type like twelve words a minute.”