A Pentagon source acknowledged today that, of the 59 tomahawk missiles fired into Syria yesterday, one missed its target. But there is a perfectly good explanation for the malfunction. The Navy replaced the high explosive warhead on missile 59 with two hundred gallons of Pepsi and one Kendall Jenner. Unfortunately, the Pepsi combined with Kendall’s signature body wash, Kleandall, to corrode the circuitry that controls the missile’s guidance system, causing the tomahawk to veer off course. According to the source, what happened next is a testament to the power of Pepsi and Kendall to screw up a wet dream.
“The missile was programmed to hover majestically above Shayrat airfield, ironically spraying a cloud of Pepsi onto the Syrian troops below. Then Kendall was going to shimmy down a rope made of conflict free llama fur, dandelions and extra lacey Victoria’s Secret boustierres. Once she was on the ground she was supposed to walk up to the Syrians in super slow mo and hand the most handsome soldier a Pepsi. Bingo! Middle East solved. Unfortunately, with the GPS gone, the missile went rogue, crashing through a window into some random Syrian teenager’s bedroom. The Pepsi took the brunt of the impact and Kendall survived, but things got ugly. According to social media and cell phone intercepts, the kid was ecstatic. It’s a teenage boy’s dream to wake up to Kendall Jenner soaked in Pepsi, right? But Kendall started screaming her head off, ‘Get me an Uber and get me out of this god-forsaken hell hole!’ She broke the kid’s heart. I’m told Pepsi sent in an elite squad of supermodels dressed as sexy Navy Seals and they got her out. But believe me, that’s the last time the U.S. military loads Kendall Jenner into a missile.”
“President” Donald Trump surprised a group of middle school students on a tour of the White House today when he popped into the Roosevelt room to blame Barack Obama for the Syrian government’s use of chemical weapons against civilians. A thefloydspin reporter embedded with the children caught Trump’s remarks on tape.
“I had no idea Obama was this nasty! First, he taps my phones. Then he orders the unmasking of Mike Flynn and Zorro and Batman and Lego Batman, who is really Lego Bruce Springsteen. Then he drops gas bombs on innocent people. Very sad. Now who wants to see the nuclear football? Gather round kids. Let’s see who can guess today’s launch code. By the way, little known fact: it’s not an actual football. Also, Lincoln was a Republican, Frederick Douglas is dead, and I don’t care what she says, it was consensual.”
One sixth grader was unimpressed.
“He showed me a used kidney he got off some Congressman. Gross!”
Egyptian dictator Abdel Fattah el-Sisi earned his spot on Team Trump today when he took a motorcade directly from his meeting with the “President” to Nationals Park, where he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. Despite his abysmal record on human rights, the brutal dictator was invited to take the mound in Trump’s stead because Americans despise him less than they do Trump. A senior White House staffer told thefloydspin el-Sisi was Trump’s second choice.
“We originally wanted Chinese President Xi Jinping but he hates the Nationals. Xi’s a Mets fan. Personally, I think el-Sisi worked out fine. He had no trouble making the throw after he pulled a gun on the grounds crew and ordered them to move the pitcher’s mound to fifteen feet from home plate.”
As for the throw, it looked low and inside, but the White House insists it was a strike.
“Right down the middle. Look, under the circumstances, General el-Sisi did as well as could be expected. Yes, the crowd booed him for twenty minutes, but nobody tried to rush the field or anything. Though, to be fair, the gun might have had something to do with that. When you shoot the umpire in the toe for calling your pitch a ball, that tends to send a message.”
Attorney General Jeff Sessions can’t understand what all the fuss is about. Sessions, who is under fire for lying during his senate confirmation hearing about meetings he had with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, tells thefloydspin he met with Kislyak not as Jeff Sessions but as Barbarella, the sexy space hottie played by Jane Fonda in the movie of the same name.
“Folks are upset because they think it was Trump Adviser Jeff Sessions or Senator Jeff Sessions who met with the Russian Ambassador. Nothing could be further from the truth! When we met I was Barbarella. You can ask Sergey. I was dressed in a sexy space boustierre with a see through breast window to show off my boobs. I’ll tell you, I never thought my saggy old man breasts could be sexy until I saw the tent Sergey pitched in his pants when we were talking about Vladimir Putin’s efforts to sabotage Hillary Clinton’s campaign! Just thinking about it makes me blush!”
Sessions confirmed that to avoid the appearance of impropriety, he will recuse himself from the investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian officials.
“Attorney General Jeff Sessions won’t be involved in the investigation, but Barbarella pledges to get to the bottom of this whole naughty affair!”
That didn’t take long. After just two days on the job, Boris Badenov resigned his position as “President” Donald Trump’s National Security Adviser today, citing clashes with senior White House staff. In an exclusive interview with thefloydspin, Badenov, who stirred controversy when he announced his intention to use drones to get rid of Rocky J. Squirrel and his associate, Bullwinkle Moose, expressed regret that he would not have a chance to bring his unique perspective to the Security Council.
“Steve Bannon! I tell him first priority we must destroy moose and squirrel but he say no, first we must find clever Presidents’ Day gift for Vladimir Putin. He say, ‘Which is better, chocolate wrapped in state secrets or copy of nuclear launch codes and box set of Game of Thrones on Blue-ray, season two?’ I tell him Putin is big a-hole! I remember Putin from KGB. We vote him most likely to poison co-worker in KGB cafeteria. At lunchtime in KGB cafeteria, nobody sit with that guy!”
Badenov alluded to another, more personal issue that may have contributed to his resignation.
“Trump tell me sexy wife and kinky spy Natasha Fatale not okay to come into country under new immigration ban because she is mastermind behind fake terrorist attack in Sweden. Then he brag for twenty minutes about winning electoral college. Oh boy! And they say I am cartoon character!”
“President” Donald Trump’s National Security Adviser can’t remember what he forgot. Following revelations that he may have lied when he said he didn’t discuss sanctions with the Russian ambassador, Michael Flynn admitted today that he suffers from AASTCGMF, or Amnesia About Stuff That Could Get Me Fired. Flynn told thefloydspin it’s not his fault he forgets stuff.
“You expect me to remember a discussion about sanctions I had with the Russian ambassador five minutes after Obama imposed sanctions on Russia? That’s what National Security Agency recordings of my private phone calls with the Russian ambassador are for. By the way, I’m outraged that the NSA recorded my private conversations with the Russian ambassador! How am I supposed to conduct my shadow foreign policy, which I don’t remember conducting, with those guys listening in? I sure hope they don’t know about the discussions I don’t remember having about the United States pulling out of NATO in exchange for a private White House performance by the Russian ballet. The President really really likes Russian ballerinas. Really.”
Flynn didn’t seem to think his memory lapses would affect his job performance.
“So what if I forget I said something? It’s not like I was telling the truth when I said it. And that’s not to say I said it, or that I said I said it, or that if I said I said it, I meant it. Now, do me a favor and forget I said that, because I sure have.”
Thefloydspin has obtained a copy of the secret Russian dossier on “President” Donald Trump. The explosive two hundred and ninety-eight page document details behavior that Press Secretary Sean Spicer insists will not damage Trump’s presidency. It is worth noting that Spicer’s relationship with the truth is so casual that last night he drunk texted the truth, “Hey baby what u up 2??? ME SO HORNY!!! ♥♥♥” Nevertheless, thefloydspin’s commitment to balanced reporting of both real facts and alternative, factless facts free of factual factiness, compels us to risk eternal damnation by printing Spicer’s whoppers.
“What a relief! We were terrified that once this dossier became public, it would destroy the president. But there’s no there there. Sure, the Russians took video of him doing eleven disgusting things in a Moscow hotel room – twelve, if you count the thing with the chicken and the ping pong ball – but the reality is it’s nothing worse than the stuff he did on the campaign trail and, as we all know, he won the election fair and Red Square, he’s faster than Usain Bolt, his penis was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for Penises and Melania is definitely not living in New York because she can’t stomach a man who would take a chicken and a ping pong ball and… excuse me, I’m feeling a little queasy here.”
Spicer is confident that no matter how salacious the details of Trump’s secret dossier prove to be, the story will soon be forgotten.
“The good news is all this blows over tomorrow when we bomb San Francisco.”