Giuliani: “Don’t Quote Me”

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Rudy Giuliani reveals another Trump secret.

Rudy Giuliani went on CNN today to label statements Rudy Giuliani made on Fox News yesterday as “fake news.” In a 20 minute interview with Dana Bash, Giuliani accused CNN and other news outlets of quoting Rudy Giuliani.

“It’s disgusting that CNN traffics in these massive lies, using my statements about the president’s sexual relationships with porn stars, Playboy models, bar maids, milk maids, chamber maids and scullery maids to accuse the president of having sexual relationships with porn stars, Playboy models, bar maids, milk maids, chamber maids and scullery maids. Why the hell is CNN quoting me? Even I know I’ve got more loose screws than Betsy Devos on ecstasy.”

As is his habit, Giuliani couldn’t resist the urge to drop a bombshell on national television.

“Yes, Donald Trump coordinated with Russian Intelligence to release Clinton campaign emails. But if CNN and the rest of the fake news networks think Donald Trump coordinated with Russian Intelligence to release Clinton campaign emails, they should keep in mind the source of this completely bogus story. Have you met Rudy Giuliani? The guy’s a first class whack-a-doodle. I’m what you get when you lock Mike Pence, Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Sanders in a room for a week with nothing but a bag of Doritos, a book of matches, half a cherry cheese cake and Betsy Devos on ecstasy. And you can quote me on that, but don’t quote me on that.”

Spicer Takes Up Residence in Credibility Canyon

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Actual Photo of Where the Truth Goes to Die

You have to give press secretary Sean Spicer credit. As “President” Trump’s credibility gap grows from chasm to gorge to canyon, Spicer is spanning the gulf with more and more tangled webs of deceit, distortion, deception and flat out bullshit. At this morning’s daily White House press briefing, Spicer told reporters he cannot understand why they insist on contradicting his false claim that Paul Manafort, Trump’s ex-campaign manager, played a “very limited role” in the campaign.

“You guys don’t get it. When I say the President has no idea who this Pete Monafort character is, you need to take me at my word. It’s like last week when I said Galileo proved the world was flat and Al Gore told me there was no such thing as Global Warming and President Obama installed a miniature camera on my electric toothbrush. We all agree these are practically actual factually facty facts, right? So why not believe me now? I swear, if you people can’t trust me, how are we all going to make it through these next twelve years?”

When more than one member of the press pointed out that everything coming out of Spicer’s mouth was false, Spicer invited Senior White House Liar Kellyanne Conway to the podium.

“So you like picking on Sean, huh? Alright, you asked for it. Playtime with Kellyanne! Let’s talk Bowling Green Birth Certificate Voter Fraud Massacre!”

Pence Accuses Raddatz of Quoting Him

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Actual Photo of Mike Pence Not Saying What He’s Saying

Mike Pence won’t stand idly by while Martha Raddatz accurately quotes him. When Raddatz – who co-moderated last night’s presidential debate along with Anderson Cooper – quoted Pence’s statement from last week’s vice-presidential debate asserting a Trump administration would use military force to confront Russian aggression in Syria, Donald Trump said Pence was wrong, thus opening a foreign policy rift between the nominee and his running mate. Speaking both on and off the record simultaneously, Pence took Raddatz to task for saying he said something he said.

“How dare Martha Raddatz quote what I said! This is another example of the liberal media saying I said something I said when clearly I didn’t say what I said, especially if I said it. And for them to say Donald Trump said he disagrees with something I said, whether he or I said what he or I did or didn’t say, well that says to me this is a ‘he said, she said he said’ situation, but if you quote me on that I’ll say you didn’t say I said what you said I said, whether you said I said it or not. Do you see what I’m saying?”

Informed of Pence’s statement, a Trump campaign spokesman offered a committed non-committal response.

“You don’t say!”

Trump Blames Clinton for “Obama’s a Mexican” Rumor

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Actual Photo of Donald Trump Not in the Act of Lying

Donald Trump is blaming Hillary Clinton for starting the false rumor that President Obama is a Mexican. Minutes after he caused a media firestorm when he himself suggested the president is Mexican, Trump called a surprise press conference to point a small finger at Clinton.

“Look, when I said Obama was a Mexican I was repeating something Crooked Hillary has said for decades. So true. Also, when is she going to release her tax returns? And why isn’t somebody looking into her blatant racism, her failed Atlantic City casino and that big fat check she wrote to the Florida Attorney General, which she then tried to cover up by cheating on her first or second wife with her second or third wife, I forget which. There is something very fishy going on here and that fish is Hillary Clinton.”

Determined to avoid the scrutiny of an increasingly skeptical press corps, Trump abruptly excused himself.

“I’d love to stick around but I’m very busy leading the way on children’s healthcare, free college tuition and raising the minimum wage. Stronger together!”

 

In Your Face, Deathbed Hillary! Trump Tosses Bus Full of Grandmas into Grand Canyon

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Actual Photo of the Beautiful View the Grandmas Had Moments Before Their Demise

Donald Trump is crazy, crazy strong that is. In an impressive demonstration of physical prowess, the 70 year-old business mogul proved this morning that he is the biggest, baddest, testosteronest  candidate when he stunned reporters by lifting a 30,000 pound party bus and tossing it into the Grand Canyon. Tragically, the message Trump was trying to convey, that he is manlier than Hillary Clinton, was drowned out when it was discovered the campaign staffer who organized the stunt forgot to make sure no one was inside the bus. News coverage of the demise of forty-two Las Vegas bound grandmas was met, in typical Trump fashion, with an indictment of the media.

“Figures. I show everybody how much more virile I am than Deathbed Hillary and all you people want to talk about is ‘terrible human toll’ this and ‘screaming busload of horror’ that. I can’t catch a break. You know, people are always telling me how much they secretly hate their grandmas. Why can’t we have a national conversation about how everybody hates grandmas? Life Support Hillary is a grandma. Why can’t we talk about that?”

In a move illustrative of the campaign’s new rapid response strategy, freshly minted campaign manager Kellyanne Conway stood next to Trump and clarified the candidate’s remarks as he spoke.

“Obviously, Mr.Trump loves grandmas and is heartbroken that a tragedy like this has occurred on Bus Driver Hillary’s watch. Mr. Trump mourns the death of these wrinkled, white haired, broken down bags of hugs, kisses and chocolate chip cookies, but he places the blame squarely where it belongs, on the back of Grandma Murderer Hillary, a woman who makes the Marquis de Sade look like Captain Kangaroo.”

Efforts to reach the crash site were hampered by rough terrain and thousands and thousands of nickels.

 

 

Bill O’Reilly Sexually Harasses Gretchen Carlson’s Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

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Actual Photo a Fox News Audition

Fox News Host Bill O’Reilly devoted the opening segment of The O’Reilly Factor last night to a spirited attack of Gretchen Carlson’s sexual harassment lawsuit against Fox News executive Roger Ailes. O’Reilly said the lawsuit isn’t a good fit for his former colleague.

“Gretchen Carlson doesn’t look good in a lawsuit. With those legs she should stick to skirts. On second thought, if the lawsuit was low cut and showed some thigh, that wouldn’t be so bad. I’d be happy with a fishnet lawsuit, too. That’s a lawsuit I’d rub up against in the hallway.”

Appearing flushed and out of breath, O’Reilly eagerly offered up an alternate legal strategy for Carlson.

“Gretchen should be suing Megyn Kelly, not Roger Ailes. Gretchen has a far nicer rack than Megyn, yet Megyn gets all the good gigs. Why is that? Who is Megyn Kelly sleeping with? Why isn’t Gretchen sleeping with whoever it is Megyn is sleeping with? Why aren’t Megyn and Gretchen sleeping with each other? Think about that the next time you’re holed up at the Reno Days Inn with a fifth of Jack Daniels, a box of See’s candy and a copy of my autobiography, Bill O’Reilly, Slapping the Pinhead. Trust me when I tell you there are worse ways to spend thirty seconds.”