Republicans Pass Trumpcare without Reading the Bill

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Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Wearing a Pink Tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin Mini Mall Parking Lot

Citing a need for “plausible deniability,” Republicans in the House of Representatives are defending their vote to repeal and replace Obamacare without actually reading the bill. Thefloydspin spoke with House speaker Paul Ryan about the controversial strategy.

“Look, for the last seven years Republicans have campaigned on repeal and replace, not repeal and improve. Now maybe millions will lose their healthcare, and perhaps thousands will die, and it’s possible rich people will get a massive tax cut. That could all be true but, since we didn’t read the bill, we can’t be held responsible. Besides, if we spent a ton of time reading that bill we wouldn’t have time to do a tax reform package that will potentially reward the rich, possibly screw poor people and maybe blow up the deficit, which it may or may not do. Who knows? Not Republicans. We’re definitely not going to read that one either.”

Ryan is confident the strategy poses little risk for Republicans in the upcoming midterm elections.

“If voters paid any attention at all we’d be facing disaster in 2018. But what are the odds of that happening? I mean, look at how many people read thefloydspin? This article you’re writing, I’m not going to read it. I assume it will consist of fake quotes about politics, my drug habit and the embarrassing picture of me wearing a pink tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin mini mall parking lot. And make no mistake, all that is fine with me, as long as you don’t mention how hard Republicans are screwing America.”

Sarah Palin Mistakes Clinton Portrait for Mirror, Passes Out

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Actual Photo of Sarah Palin’s Bathroom Mirror

White House Secret Service agents had to revive Sarah Palin yesterday, moments after Palin had posed for a picture in the Oval Office with “President” Trump. According to a senior administration source, Palin passed out when she mistook a portrait of former first lady Hillary Clinton for a mirror.

“Palin was hanging out with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock, comparing tattoos and joking about Armageddon, when she stopped in front of the Clinton portrait, mumbled something about ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall…’, and the next thing you know, she let out a little whimper and collapsed. I’m pretty sure she peed her pants. Well, there she was, drooling on the carpet, when Ted Nugent rushed over to give her mouth to mouth, only he missed her mouth by a country mile, if you know what I mean.”

Luckily the Secret Service was taking a break from guarding the leader of the free world.

“A couple of agents posing for selfies with Kid Rock quickly put on latex gloves and pried Nugent off Palin. They resuscitated her using standard Secret Service procedure, an emergency shot of bourbon and a taser chaser. Palin came to with a start, shouting, ‘I’m pretty, Todd! I’m pretty! Oh God, tell me I’m pretty!’ The whole incident was weird and super scary. I guess Mrs. Palin really really wants to be the fairest of them all.”

Trump Supporters Loyal to a Fault

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Actual Photo of Marge and a Couple of Nice Donuts

The Trump train has gotten off to a rocky start, but “President” Trump’s loyal supporters remain all aboard. That’s what thefloydspin learned recently when we used a bait and switch scheme to convene a focus group of Trump voters in swing state Michigan. The voters, all residents of Michigan’s upper peninsula, responded to a bogus ad in The Escanaba Daily Press calling for volunteers to monitor a local donut shop being used by Hillary Clinton to launder money from her Bolivian cocaine ring and her mail order human eyeball trafficking operation. After thefloydspin apologized to Marge Court, Jeff Pellum and Jimmer Wittman, we bought them donuts and asked them how they feel Trump is doing.

Marge: Ya know, that’s a good donut! Is there something special in that donut cause that’s a good donut! Whoo hoo! Who wants to get laid?!

Jeff: Easy, Marge. Hands to yourself. Trump? He’s doing fine. He just needs to remember folks like me voted for him because he’ll shake up Washington and because he’s a man, not a female woman like Hillary. Hillary is a female woman. What is in these donuts? Whoo hoo! Say Marge, did anybody ever tell you you’ve got yourself a couple of nice donuts?

Jimmer: Damn right I support President Trump! He got us out of Iraq. He solved the financial crisis and got the economy rolling again. He brought us healthcare for everybody. And also he got Bin Laden, all in the first 100 days. Obama was in there for eight years. How come he couldn’t get any of that stuff done? God bless President Trump! More donuts!

Marge: More donuts!

Sean Spicer’s Friendly Advice for Michael Flynn

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Actual Photo of Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About

Michael Flynn has some splainin’ to do, and “President” Donald Trump’s spokesman, Sean Spicer, wants to help. Lawyers for Flynn, the disgraced former National Security Advisor who has the distinction of being the first rat on the SS Trumptanic to be tossed overboard, have offered a deal for their client to testify before the House and Senate Intelligence Committees in exchange for immunity. Press Secretary Sean Spicer told thefloydspin the Trump Administration supports Flynn’s legal strategy.

“If I were him I’d want immunity, too. When you testify under oath, you need all the protection you can get. You never know what might happen. Let’s say you have a kitty cat. You love that kitty cat. You don’t want anything bad to ever happen to that poor little kitty. Now, let’s say you named that kitty cat ‘Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About.’ It would be a shame if a completely accidentally randomly tragically tragic accident were to befall poor little Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About. Hypothetically speaking, of course.”

Thefloysdpin reached out to Flynn to check on the health of Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About. Flynn doesn’t own a cat.

Spicer Takes Up Residence in Credibility Canyon

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Actual Photo of Where the Truth Goes to Die

You have to give press secretary Sean Spicer credit. As “President” Trump’s credibility gap grows from chasm to gorge to canyon, Spicer is spanning the gulf with more and more tangled webs of deceit, distortion, deception and flat out bullshit. At this morning’s daily White House press briefing, Spicer told reporters he cannot understand why they insist on contradicting his false claim that Paul Manafort, Trump’s ex-campaign manager, played a “very limited role” in the campaign.

“You guys don’t get it. When I say the President has no idea who this Pete Monafort character is, you need to take me at my word. It’s like last week when I said Galileo proved the world was flat and Al Gore told me there was no such thing as Global Warming and President Obama installed a miniature camera on my electric toothbrush. We all agree these are practically actual factually facty facts, right? So why not believe me now? I swear, if you people can’t trust me, how are we all going to make it through these next twelve years?”

When more than one member of the press pointed out that everything coming out of Spicer’s mouth was false, Spicer invited Senior White House Liar Kellyanne Conway to the podium.

“So you like picking on Sean, huh? Alright, you asked for it. Playtime with Kellyanne! Let’s talk Bowling Green Birth Certificate Voter Fraud Massacre!”

Spicer Accuses Obama of Sneaky Toaster Oven Illegal Surveillance Tapping

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Metaphorical Photo of a Telephone

According to Sean Spicer, President Obama used a toaster oven to conduct illegal surveillance on Donald Trump during the presidential campaign. At the daily White House press briefing this morning, Spicer downplayed “President” Trump’s March 4th tweet accusing the former president of tapping his phones.

“When the president said Obama was tapping his phones he meant that metaphorically, not literally. It’s like when he says he’s going to be great for the little guy or he’s going to get rid of ISIS. Those are metaphors. The president is very metaphorical. It’s the same with phone tapping. Phone tapping is a metaphor for sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping. Really, the two are interchangeable, just like we’re gonna ‘drain the swamp’ is interchangeable with we’re gonna ‘stock the cabinet full of billionaires and nincompoops.’ People need to learn to not take this president literally when he’s joking, which is metaphor for lying.”

Spicer assured the press corps that the Trump administration would soon provide proof of Obama’s sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping.

“We’ll be giving Congress conclusive evidence by tomorrow, which is a metaphorical way of saying no we won’t. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to helping the president make America great again, if you know what I mean.”

Trump Lowers Border Wall to Leprechaun Size

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Actual Photo of a Leprechaun Stealing Three of our White Women

Steve Bannon is lowering expectations for Donald Trump’s big beautiful wall. Now, instead of taking 12 to 18 months to build a $15 to $25 billion dollar, twenty-five foot tall concrete and steel barrier along the entire 2,000 mile U.S. – Mexico border, Bannon says the “President” has given the go ahead for construction of a 5 and a half foot tall, $425 thousand dollar chicken wire fence to be built along the border separating the U.S. from the end of the rainbow. Best of all, the fence will be finished by this Friday. Bannon tells thefloydspin the fence, while less than Trump had hoped for, will serve a vital purpose.

“No more leprechauns! Leprechauns are pouring across the border into our country and they’re rapists and they’re criminals and some, I assume are good little people, but show me one leprechaun who has ever let go of his pot of gold. They’re greedy, they’re magical, they’re charming, they’re incredibly well endowed and they’re coming for our white women.”

Bannon points to his personal experience with leprechauns as justification for the fence.

“Don’t be fooled, leprechauns pretend to be mischievous imps but if you believe that, you haven’t spent ten minutes in a room with Paul Ryan. Leprechauns are monsters whose understanding of the inner workings of the Federal bureaucracy makes them extremely dangerous to anyone who wants to follow their dream to the end of a rainbow. They’re also bad for anyone who wants to hollow out the Federal bureaucracy. And yes, technically Paul Ryan’s not a leprechaun. Hey, technically Obama’s wasn’t Kenyan, so…”