You have to give press secretary Sean Spicer credit. As “President” Trump’s credibility gap grows from chasm to gorge to canyon, Spicer is spanning the gulf with more and more tangled webs of deceit, distortion, deception and flat out bullshit. At this morning’s daily White House press briefing, Spicer told reporters he cannot understand why they insist on contradicting his false claim that Paul Manafort, Trump’s ex-campaign manager, played a “very limited role” in the campaign.
“You guys don’t get it. When I say the President has no idea who this Pete Monafort character is, you need to take me at my word. It’s like last week when I said Galileo proved the world was flat and Al Gore told me there was no such thing as Global Warming and President Obama installed a miniature camera on my electric toothbrush. We all agree these are practically actual factually facty facts, right? So why not believe me now? I swear, if you people can’t trust me, how are we all going to make it through these next twelve years?”
When more than one member of the press pointed out that everything coming out of Spicer’s mouth was false, Spicer invited Senior White House Liar Kellyanne Conway to the podium.
“So you like picking on Sean, huh? Alright, you asked for it. Playtime with Kellyanne! Let’s talk Bowling Green Birth Certificate Voter Fraud Massacre!”
According to Sean Spicer, President Obama used a toaster oven to conduct illegal surveillance on Donald Trump during the presidential campaign. At the daily White House press briefing this morning, Spicer downplayed “President” Trump’s March 4th tweet accusing the former president of tapping his phones.
“When the president said Obama was tapping his phones he meant that metaphorically, not literally. It’s like when he says he’s going to be great for the little guy or he’s going to get rid of ISIS. Those are metaphors. The president is very metaphorical. It’s the same with phone tapping. Phone tapping is a metaphor for sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping. Really, the two are interchangeable, just like we’re gonna ‘drain the swamp’ is interchangeable with we’re gonna ‘stock the cabinet full of billionaires and nincompoops.’ People need to learn to not take this president literally when he’s joking, which is metaphor for lying.”
Spicer assured the press corps that the Trump administration would soon provide proof of Obama’s sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping.
“We’ll be giving Congress conclusive evidence by tomorrow, which is a metaphorical way of saying no we won’t. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to helping the president make America great again, if you know what I mean.”
Steve Bannon is lowering expectations for Donald Trump’s big beautiful wall. Now, instead of taking 12 to 18 months to build a $15 to $25 billion dollar, twenty-five foot tall concrete and steel barrier along the entire 2,000 mile U.S. – Mexico border, Bannon says the “President” has given the go ahead for construction of a 5 and a half foot tall, $425 thousand dollar chicken wire fence to be built along the border separating the U.S. from the end of the rainbow. Best of all, the fence will be finished by this Friday. Bannon tells thefloydspin the fence, while less than Trump had hoped for, will serve a vital purpose.
“No more leprechauns! Leprechauns are pouring across the border into our country and they’re rapists and they’re criminals and some, I assume are good little people, but show me one leprechaun who has ever let go of his pot of gold. They’re greedy, they’re magical, they’re charming, they’re incredibly well endowed and they’re coming for our white women.”
Bannon points to his personal experience with leprechauns as justification for the fence.
“Don’t be fooled, leprechauns pretend to be mischievous imps but if you believe that, you haven’t spent ten minutes in a room with Paul Ryan. Leprechauns are monsters whose understanding of the inner workings of the Federal bureaucracy makes them extremely dangerous to anyone who wants to follow their dream to the end of a rainbow. They’re also bad for anyone who wants to hollow out the Federal bureaucracy. And yes, technically Paul Ryan’s not a leprechaun. Hey, technically Obama’s wasn’t Kenyan, so…”
EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt has no idea what is causing global warming, but he’s pretty sure it’s not humans. Pruitt tells thefloydspin scientists are spreading fake science when they claim global warming is the result of the gazillions of tons of carbon dioxide humans annually release into the atmosphere.
“Look, I’m no scientist and I don’t know anything about science. I flunked every science class I ever took. In 7th grade, my science teacher, Mrs. Brink, actually tried to bash me over the head with a model of an atom which, by the way, no such thing as an atom. Look at me now, Mrs. Brink! Ha! I’m the frigging head of the frigging Environmental Eradication Agency! Also, the world is oval, unicorns are real and the dress is purple. The point is my unique, clear-eyed perspective on science allows me to come to the climate change debate with a mind unencumbered by facts and data and science, which is why I can state unequivocally that all scientists who disagree with me are stupid.”
Pruitt tried to cast doubt on the very existence of global warming.
“I’m constantly checking the weather report in all the cold places in the world and all those places are cold. So I say the planet is not warming up. It’s actually getting colder. Especially at night.”
Florida Senator Marco Rubio wants everybody to know he has feelings and they can be hurt. Rubio, who refuses to hold town hall meetings with constituents because he might get yelled at for supporting Obamacare repeal, told thefloydspin people need to be more sensitive to the pain he goes through when he is forced to face people who disagree with him.
“Make no mistake, I love getting together with voters for a lively discussion of how right I am about stuff I’m right about. But these activists who want to express their own so called ‘opinions’ make me sick to my stomach. My stomach is very sensitive. I also get a little queasy when I eat bell peppers or apricots. Just mention apricots and I get thirsty and my tummy hurts. I have to drink a quart of water and take a nap.”
Rubio has little sympathy for people who might be hurt by the repeal of Obamacare.
“If people can’t afford health insurance they should do what the rest of us do, become senators. I have excellent insurance, which I earned by doing the hard work of courageously voting for excellent insurance for me. Besides, we are going to replace Obamacare with something much better. It may not cover as many people and it will probably cost more and the benefits will definitely suck but anything is better than Obamacare, right? Oh, my tummy hurts. Good thing I have insurance.”
Donald Trump isn’t letting the facts get in the way of repealing Obamacare. Speaking this morning at CPAC, the annual gathering of conservatives eager to sell their souls for a taste of sweet sweet power, the “President” labeled Obamacare a failure because “very few people” are covered under the law. When he was asked to square that assertion with the fact that 20 million Americans have gained coverage, Trump clarified his statement.
“If you look at the numbers, and I have because I’m very smart, and you add in the people who are insured and then subtract the people who, when you multiply, the people who, and I’m talking about just the people who have, also, very, very many people when you actually look at how many of those, and then you divide that number by, you know, so, in conclusion, very very smart.”
Desperate to make sense of Trump’s remarks, thefloydspin barbequed a sacrificial free range chicken named Gus to conjure up Trump’s chief political strategist, Steve Bannon. Bannon had no trouble explaining what Trump meant by “very few people.”
Thank God we have Kellyanne Conway to set the record straight! Conway, went on Fox and Friends today to report that the boisterous crowds showing up at Republican Congressional town halls across the nation are the same professional domestic terrorists responsible for the Bowling Green Massacre, the Houston Holocaust, the New Jersey Genocide and the Salt Lake City Stink-out. Conway, whose relationship with the truth usually causes the truth to throw up in its mouth, expressed dismay that any reasonable person could be angry with their Congressman.
“Look, we all know these fake people showing up at town halls don’t count because most of them aren’t even Republicans. They’re professional liberal nut jobs who think healthcare is for sick people, ice melts when the temperature goes up, and the president shouldn’t lift Russian sanctions while cupping Vladimir Putin’s Faberge eggs. Yesterday, I saw a little girl get up at a town hall and claim she believes in science. Come on! Girls suck at science! This fake kid is a faker. She’s part of the vast left-wing conspiracy that wants to make Republicans look like they don’t care about kids. Nothing could be further from the truth! Somebody needs to slap the cuffs on this fake fakey faker kid, take away her dolly and throw her in jail!”
Conway was asked what evidence she has to connect the rowdy crowds with the Bowling Green Massacre and other alternatragedies.
“Evidence? Ha! Do you honestly think that if Americans cared about evidence I’d have this job?”