Paul Ryan Thinks He’s a Chicken

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Actual Photo of the Egg Paul Ryan Laid

House speaker Paul Ryan is on the case. Ryan told thefloydspin today that Republicans in Congress will follow the facts as they investigate whether “President” Trump attempted to obstruct the FBI’s investigation into his campaign’s involvement with Russian meddling in the U.S. election.

“Look, just because James Comey wrote a memo, that doesn’t mean President Trump did anything wrong. Keep in mind, this Comey character got fired recently. Are we honestly going to believe someone who can’t hold down a steady job? My motto has always been, ‘Never trust the unemployed.’ Don’t trust poor people, either. Or women, especially pregnant women or women who may become pregnant, which is basically all women. ‘Don’t trust women, poor people, unemployed people or unemployed people who write memos.’ That’s my new, revised motto.”

Asked if the Comey memo is the smoking gun that could get Trump impeached, Ryan pretended to be a chicken by flapping his arms, pecking and laying an egg.

“Boc boc boc boc boc! Boc boc!”

Trump Supporters Loyal to a Fault

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Actual Photo of Marge and a Couple of Nice Donuts

The Trump train has gotten off to a rocky start, but “President” Trump’s loyal supporters remain all aboard. That’s what thefloydspin learned recently when we used a bait and switch scheme to convene a focus group of Trump voters in swing state Michigan. The voters, all residents of Michigan’s upper peninsula, responded to a bogus ad in The Escanaba Daily Press calling for volunteers to monitor a local donut shop being used by Hillary Clinton to launder money from her Bolivian cocaine ring and her mail order human eyeball trafficking operation. After thefloydspin apologized to Marge Court, Jeff Pellum and Jimmer Wittman, we bought them donuts and asked them how they feel Trump is doing.

Marge: Ya know, that’s a good donut! Is there something special in that donut cause that’s a good donut! Whoo hoo! Who wants to get laid?!

Jeff: Easy, Marge. Hands to yourself. Trump? He’s doing fine. He just needs to remember folks like me voted for him because he’ll shake up Washington and because he’s a man, not a female woman like Hillary. Hillary is a female woman. What is in these donuts? Whoo hoo! Say Marge, did anybody ever tell you you’ve got yourself a couple of nice donuts?

Jimmer: Damn right I support President Trump! He got us out of Iraq. He solved the financial crisis and got the economy rolling again. He brought us healthcare for everybody. And also he got Bin Laden, all in the first 100 days. Obama was in there for eight years. How come he couldn’t get any of that stuff done? God bless President Trump! More donuts!

Marge: More donuts!

Sean Spicer’s Special Passover Message

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Actual Photo of a Holocaust Center

Oops! He did it again. Sean Spicer is backpedaling faster than an NFL free safety after comments he made yesterday favorably comparing Adolf Hitler to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. In an interview with thefloydspin, Spicer, who admitted he has let “President” Trump down, explained himself.

“I didn’t say Hitler was a nice guy. All I said was Adolf Hitler didn’t drop sarin gas on his own people, which is true. It’s like if I stab you through the heart with a kitchen knife but I don’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun. Aren’t you glad I didn’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun? Or let’s say I systematically exterminate you and six million of your Jewish friends, but I don’t drop a single sarin gas bomb on you. If you’re someone like me who sees the glass as half full, you’re naturally going to be grateful, right?”

Spicer apologized for making it look like the Trump White House is trying to gloss over the Holocaust.

“The president knows the Holocaust was terrible. That’s why there is no longer any Holocaust Center funding in his proposed budget. You’re welcome and Happy Passover!”

Trump Blames Obama

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Actual Photo of Lego Bruce Springsteen

“President” Donald Trump surprised a group of middle school students on a tour of the White House today when he popped into the Roosevelt room to blame Barack Obama for the Syrian government’s use of chemical weapons against civilians. A thefloydspin reporter embedded with the children caught Trump’s remarks on tape.

“I had no idea Obama was this nasty! First, he taps my phones. Then he orders the unmasking of Mike Flynn and Zorro and Batman and Lego Batman, who is really Lego Bruce Springsteen. Then he drops gas bombs on innocent people. Very sad. Now who wants to see the nuclear football? Gather round kids. Let’s see who can guess today’s launch code. By the way, little known fact: it’s not an actual football. Also, Lincoln was a Republican, Frederick Douglas is dead, and I don’t care what she says, it was consensual.”

One sixth grader was unimpressed.

“He showed me a used kidney he got off some Congressman. Gross!”

Trump to Donate Kidney to Toys for Tots

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Actual Photo of the Kid Who Gets Trump’s Kidney

The White House announced today that “President” Trump will donate a kidney to Toys for Tots. According to administration spokesman Sean Spicer, Trump wants to find a way to make a difference in people’s lives that doesn’t involve learning facts or working with Congress. Shortly after making the announcement, the White House press office scrambled to clarify the identity of the kidney’s owner.

“There has been speculation in the fake news media that the kidney the president will donate will not be his own. Nothing could be further from the truth. The president owns the kidney fair and square and he has the bill of sale to prove it. The president paid a fair black market price for the kidney, which is legal because it came from a black person. Also, this transaction is in no way racist because the President of the United States is, by definition, not a racist. For the record, the kidney the president got from Congressman Nunes last week will remain the property of the president and will not be donated to Toys for Tots.”

Spicer was asked why Toys for Tots would want a donated kidney.

“What do we care? It’s tax deductible.”

Egyptian Dictator El-Sisi Throws out First Pitch at Nats’ Home Opener

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Actual Photo of a Baseball

Egyptian dictator Abdel Fattah el-Sisi earned his spot on Team Trump today when he took a motorcade directly from his meeting with the “President” to Nationals Park, where he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. Despite his abysmal record on human rights, the brutal dictator was invited to take the mound in Trump’s stead because Americans despise him less than they do Trump. A senior White House staffer told thefloydspin el-Sisi was Trump’s second choice.

“We originally wanted Chinese President Xi Jinping but he hates the Nationals. Xi’s a Mets fan. Personally, I think el-Sisi worked out fine. He had no trouble making the throw after he pulled a gun on the grounds crew and ordered them to move the pitcher’s mound to fifteen feet from home plate.”

As for the throw, it looked low and inside, but the White House insists it was a strike.

“Right down the middle. Look, under the circumstances, General el-Sisi did as well as could be expected. Yes, the crowd booed him for twenty minutes, but nobody tried to rush the field or anything. Though, to be fair, the gun might have had something to do with that. When you shoot the umpire in the toe for calling your pitch a ball, that tends to send a message.”

Sean Spicer’s Friendly Advice for Michael Flynn

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Actual Photo of Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About

Michael Flynn has some splainin’ to do, and “President” Donald Trump’s spokesman, Sean Spicer, wants to help. Lawyers for Flynn, the disgraced former National Security Advisor who has the distinction of being the first rat on the SS Trumptanic to be tossed overboard, have offered a deal for their client to testify before the House and Senate Intelligence Committees in exchange for immunity. Press Secretary Sean Spicer told thefloydspin the Trump Administration supports Flynn’s legal strategy.

“If I were him I’d want immunity, too. When you testify under oath, you need all the protection you can get. You never know what might happen. Let’s say you have a kitty cat. You love that kitty cat. You don’t want anything bad to ever happen to that poor little kitty. Now, let’s say you named that kitty cat ‘Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About.’ It would be a shame if a completely accidentally randomly tragically tragic accident were to befall poor little Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About. Hypothetically speaking, of course.”

Thefloysdpin reached out to Flynn to check on the health of Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About. Flynn doesn’t own a cat.