“President” Trump will fire his entire cabinet and replace them with Stormy Daniels. A sources close to the president expects the move within days.
“You knew this was coming. Trump never liked the idea of any secretary working for him being an ugly old dude or an ugly old woman or Ben Carson. He’s always leaned toward porn stars in secretarial positions, obviously. And what better way to keep Stormy from blabbing to the press than to put her in charge of education, commerce, foreign affairs, national defense, all the crap the cabinet does. And talk about must see TV, how much you wanna bet she does better at her Senate confirmation hearing than those bozos she’s replacing?”
The source confirmed an even bigger staff shake-up can be expected in the weeks to come.
“He’s replacing John Kelly, his chief of staff and H.R. McMaster, his national security adviser with five hookers, a pile of cash and a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken. The president loves money, breasts and thighs. But only white meat.”
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed today that “President” Trump did not have sex with porn star Stormy Daniels, but if he did, it didn’t constitute reckless, reprehensible behavior, but if it did, the press shouldn’t focus on Trump’s reckless, reprehensible behavior, but if they do, the President’s lawyer Michael Cohen won’t pay every reporter in America $130,000 to shut the hell up, but if he does, that’s not an admission that Trump had sex with porn star Stormy Daniels, but if it is, Trump will meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in May. Sanders made it clear that the president has more important things to worry about than Stormy Daniels.
“The President is focused on denuclearizing either North or South Korea, whichever is the bad one, so he doesn’t have time to worry about someone he never had sex with dozens of times, which is why the President prevailed in the arbitrary arbitration that was arbitrarily arbitrated on I believe Arbor Day. So to sum up, no collusion.”
In related news Miss Daniels announced principal photography for her next project begins Tuesday. Gag Order is scheduled for release Wednesday.
White House spokesman Devin Nunes confirmed today that “President” Trump will not release the 10 page memo produced by Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee because it consists of too many words. Appearing on Fox and Friends, Nunes went on to say that Trump might consider releasing the memo at some future date if Democrats agreed to “edit out the words.”
Nunes admitted that neither he nor the President has read the memo. “It’s all about plausible recusability. If I read the memo I’d have to read all memos and I’ve recused myself from reading because, um, I’m Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee so, you know, um, intelligence… I mean… crap, I lost my train of thought… who was talking just now?”
Nunes tried to change the subject. “The President hasn’t read the memo either, but he has given me a statement to read that says something. That is, I think the President’s statement says something. I can’t be sure because I’m not going to read it because I can’t read it without reading it. Government is hard.”
Amid the growing Donald Trump Jr. email scandal, Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted today that the eldest Trump son can’t be “President” Trump’s real offspring because he sucks so hard at lying. Sanders’ revelation came during a bizarre White House press conference at which cameras, sound recording devices, notepads, pencils, pens and 1930 Underwood typewriters were prohibited. As a result, reporters were forced to jab their fingers with paper clips and transcribe notes in blood on their own stomachs.
Sanders blamed a hospital records foul-up for her boss being saddled with a numbskull kid.
“Donald Trump Jr. played a minor role for a short time in the Trump family. Really. This is a birth certificate mix-up. Whoever this kid is, we now know two things about him. First, he was born in Hawaii. Or Kenya. I get those two mixed up. Second, he’s black. Or Jewish. I get those two mixed up. And also second, he doesn’t know how to lie. Or tell the truth. I get those two mixed up.”
Asked for documentation to back up her claim, Sanders sought to tap into the deep reservoir of good will she has developed with the White House press corp.
“Are you calling me a liar? Or are you saying I’m telling the truth? Well, which is it? Seriously, I get those two mixed up.”
On ABC’s Good Morning America today, Kellyanne Conway was adamant that “President” Trump both does and doesn’t want former FBI Director James Comey to testify before Congress.
“The fact is the president can’t wait for Comey to tell the Senate Intelligence Committee the truth. The alternative fact is the president is terrified Comey will tell the Senate Intelligence Committee the truth. Welcome to my world. I have no idea which of those statements is correct. Maybe both. It’s like I’m that cat in the box and until the box gets opened I either work for a political genius or a blithering idiot. I sincerely have no idea. Maybe I’m not even a cat. Maybe I’m a dog or a pencil or a bowl of soup. Or a box. I might be the box somebody mentioned a minute ago. Oh God, am I the box?!? What were we talking about? Can someone get me a drink? Why can’t Bannon be the box?”
When she was asked who the American people trust most, Comey or Trump, Conway grew irritable.
“Don’t ask me; I’m an empty box with a dead cat in it. Where’s that drink!?!”
Anderson Cooper was right. Donald Trump really could take a dump on his desk in the Oval Office and Jeffrey Lord really would defend it. That is exactly what happened. Minutes before the “President” departed for his trip abroad, Trump pooped on his desk. A source inside the White House told thefloydspin Trump wanted to make sure nobody touched his stuff while he was away embarrassing the United States on the world stage.
“He’s a little obsessive compulsive. If he comes back and finds anything out of place, he’ll go ballistic. I mean literally ballistic. That’s why Mattis keeps him away from the nuclear football. One ink pen pointed east when it should be facing west and North Korea gets turned into a glowing pile of ash, rubble and singed dim sum.”
Thefloydspin spoke with Jeffrey Lord about Trump’s scatological proclivities.
“I don’t know what the big deal is. Yes, Donald Trump poops outside the box. Americans love that about him. They elected him president because they wanted him to leave his permanent mark in Washington.”
Thefloydspin’s White House source agreed with Lord.
“It’s permanent all right. I’m not cleaning that up!”
House speaker Paul Ryan is on the case. Ryan told thefloydspin today that Republicans in Congress will follow the facts as they investigate whether “President” Trump attempted to obstruct the FBI’s investigation into his campaign’s involvement with Russian meddling in the U.S. election.
“Look, just because James Comey wrote a memo, that doesn’t mean President Trump did anything wrong. Keep in mind, this Comey character got fired recently. Are we honestly going to believe someone who can’t hold down a steady job? My motto has always been, ‘Never trust the unemployed.’ Don’t trust poor people, either. Or women, especially pregnant women or women who may become pregnant, which is basically all women. ‘Don’t trust women, poor people, unemployed people or unemployed people who write memos.’ That’s my new, revised motto.”
Asked if the Comey memo is the smoking gun that could get Trump impeached, Ryan pretended to be a chicken by flapping his arms, pecking and laying an egg.