All of Washington sees the failure of the House of Representatives to pass a law to repeal and replace Obamacare as a catastrophe for both “President” Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan. Ryan disagrees. Paul Ryan told thefloydspin he thinks things are looking up for the Republican legislative agenda.
“Look, when you consider all we did not get done in a very short time you come away thinking this Congress is capable of not doing big things. Think about it. How many times in history has Congress gone from the introduction of major legislation to not passing that legislation in just seventeen days? It’s not been done before. And this is just the beginning. I bet we can not pass comprehensive tax reform in ten days. Infrastructure? Five days, maybe six if we take a day off to not do tort reform. I tell you I’m positively giddy thinking about all the things Republicans can not get done now that we’re in charge. The sky’s not the limit!”
Asked if not governing is what Republicans were sent to Washington to do, Ryan answered from a skewed historical perspective.
“In the immortal words of Bobby Kennedy, ‘Some men see things as they are and say why not. I dream things that never were and say why not not?’ I could not not not have said it better myself.”
According to Sean Spicer, President Obama used a toaster oven to conduct illegal surveillance on Donald Trump during the presidential campaign. At the daily White House press briefing this morning, Spicer downplayed “President” Trump’s March 4th tweet accusing the former president of tapping his phones.
“When the president said Obama was tapping his phones he meant that metaphorically, not literally. It’s like when he says he’s going to be great for the little guy or he’s going to get rid of ISIS. Those are metaphors. The president is very metaphorical. It’s the same with phone tapping. Phone tapping is a metaphor for sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping. Really, the two are interchangeable, just like we’re gonna ‘drain the swamp’ is interchangeable with we’re gonna ‘stock the cabinet full of billionaires and nincompoops.’ People need to learn to not take this president literally when he’s joking, which is metaphor for lying.”
Spicer assured the press corps that the Trump administration would soon provide proof of Obama’s sneaky toaster oven illegal surveillance tapping.
“We’ll be giving Congress conclusive evidence by tomorrow, which is a metaphorical way of saying no we won’t. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to helping the president make America great again, if you know what I mean.”
Steve Bannon is lowering expectations for Donald Trump’s big beautiful wall. Now, instead of taking 12 to 18 months to build a $15 to $25 billion dollar, twenty-five foot tall concrete and steel barrier along the entire 2,000 mile U.S. – Mexico border, Bannon says the “President” has given the go ahead for construction of a 5 and a half foot tall, $425 thousand dollar chicken wire fence to be built along the border separating the U.S. from the end of the rainbow. Best of all, the fence will be finished by this Friday. Bannon tells thefloydspin the fence, while less than Trump had hoped for, will serve a vital purpose.
“No more leprechauns! Leprechauns are pouring across the border into our country and they’re rapists and they’re criminals and some, I assume are good little people, but show me one leprechaun who has ever let go of his pot of gold. They’re greedy, they’re magical, they’re charming, they’re incredibly well endowed and they’re coming for our white women.”
Bannon points to his personal experience with leprechauns as justification for the fence.
“Don’t be fooled, leprechauns pretend to be mischievous imps but if you believe that, you haven’t spent ten minutes in a room with Paul Ryan. Leprechauns are monsters whose understanding of the inner workings of the Federal bureaucracy makes them extremely dangerous to anyone who wants to follow their dream to the end of a rainbow. They’re also bad for anyone who wants to hollow out the Federal bureaucracy. And yes, technically Paul Ryan’s not a leprechaun. Hey, technically Obama’s wasn’t Kenyan, so…”
Thanks, Obama! “President” Donald Trump revealed today that in addition to tapping the phones at Trump Tower, former President Obama is now tapping Trump’s mind. Trump spoke with thefloydspin via carrier pigeon because he considers direct communication a security threat and because he likes the sound carrier pigeons make when you stroke their tail feathers.
“This is bigger than Watergate, McCarthyism and the fake Sun fake landing the government has been covering up since the 1960’s! Obama is trying to distract attention from his sad, failed presidency by taping (sic) my big beautiful mind and telling everybody what I’m thinking before Steve Bannon can tell me it’s okay to think what I think I’m thinking. I demand a congressional investigation into Obama’s sic (sic) illegal mind taping (sic) of myy (sic) mind! At least I think I do, I think. I’ll have to get back to you on that.”
A spokesman for the former president confirmed that Obama is indeed tapping Trump’s mind.
“Sure, President Obama has been tapping Trump’s mind since the inauguration. The former president considers it his patriotic duty as the Imperial Leader of the Deep State. Trust me, he’d rather be doing other things. Every time he steps into that mental house of horrors he comes away with a stomach ache and an overwhelming urge to land on the Sun again.”
In the wake of the disastrously normal speech delivered by President Trump last night, thefloydspin will reluctantly take a hiatus from Donald scalding. The duration of our self-imposed timeout will be determined by the next dumb thing “President” Trump does, says, tweets or signs. We had hoped to be back at it as soon as, well, now, with the announcement of the revised travel ban, but that announcement has been delayed because who wants to drop a racist turd on all the good press the boss is enjoying today? So, as we wander the halls of our Washington bureau, humming “Send in the Clowns,” a bottle of Nyquil in one hand and a tear-stained copy of the political cartoon depicting Lyndon Johnson’s appendix scar as a map of Vietnam in the other, we are haunted by the image of a president who does the everyday presidential stuff: making promises he can’t keep, taking credit he doesn’t deserve and blaming others for his mistakes – all while refraining from calling anyone a fat pig, a pathetic loser or a failing failed failure with delusions of failure. And while America is much better off when the ship of state is piloted by someone with a steady hand, we at thefloydspin hold out hope that soon the dark side of the Trump will re-emerge, Twitter will provide, and Kellyanne, Sean and the rest of the alt-Executive gang will return to doing what they do best, fraying the threads Betsy sewed into our flag faster than you can scream “Mother Russia!” When that happens, gentle readers, thefloydspin will return to our fish-in-a-barrel brand of left leaning political satire aimed straight at the kisser of the Knucklehead-in-Chief. Until then, there’s always Congress!
It turns out the wall is only the beginning. Press secretary Sean Spicer confirmed today that “President” Trump will sign an executive order calling for a big beautiful roof to be built over the United States. According to Spicer, the roof will keep America safe and it will be paid for by Luxembourg. Spicer told thefloydspin the roof will be an integral part of Trump’s comprehensive immigration plan.
“The president knows that deporting the Statue of Liberty and building a wall are critical first steps, but the job won’t be complete until we build a roof. When the wall is finished, illegal aliens will still try to come in by air, using catapults, hot air balloons, hang gliders, jet packs, human cannonball cannons, ginormous giant slingshots and massive flocks of red breasted sap suckers tied to lawn chairs with bungee cords, all flapping together to suck the sap out of the American way of life. We can only stop this airborne human tidal wave from washing up on our shores from the air if we build the roof and make Luxembourg pay for it.”
Spicer was asked why Luxembourg should be expected to pay for the roof.
“Simple. We’ve got a pool going in the White House for the country we piss off next. Steve Bannon just won fifty bucks.”
Donald Trump isn’t letting the facts get in the way of repealing Obamacare. Speaking this morning at CPAC, the annual gathering of conservatives eager to sell their souls for a taste of sweet sweet power, the “President” labeled Obamacare a failure because “very few people” are covered under the law. When he was asked to square that assertion with the fact that 20 million Americans have gained coverage, Trump clarified his statement.
“If you look at the numbers, and I have because I’m very smart, and you add in the people who are insured and then subtract the people who, when you multiply, the people who, and I’m talking about just the people who have, also, very, very many people when you actually look at how many of those, and then you divide that number by, you know, so, in conclusion, very very smart.”
Desperate to make sense of Trump’s remarks, thefloydspin barbequed a sacrificial free range chicken named Gus to conjure up Trump’s chief political strategist, Steve Bannon. Bannon had no trouble explaining what Trump meant by “very few people.”