Amid the growing Donald Trump Jr. email scandal, Deputy Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders insisted today that the eldest Trump son can’t be “President” Trump’s real offspring because he sucks so hard at lying. Sanders’ revelation came during a bizarre White House press conference at which cameras, sound recording devices, notepads, pencils, pens and 1930 Underwood typewriters were prohibited. As a result, reporters were forced to jab their fingers with paper clips and transcribe notes in blood on their own stomachs.
Sanders blamed a hospital records foul-up for her boss being saddled with a numbskull kid.
“Donald Trump Jr. played a minor role for a short time in the Trump family. Really. This is a birth certificate mix-up. Whoever this kid is, we now know two things about him. First, he was born in Hawaii. Or Kenya. I get those two mixed up. Second, he’s black. Or Jewish. I get those two mixed up. And also second, he doesn’t know how to lie. Or tell the truth. I get those two mixed up.”
Asked for documentation to back up her claim, Sanders sought to tap into the deep reservoir of good will she has developed with the White House press corp.
“Are you calling me a liar? Or are you saying I’m telling the truth? Well, which is it? Seriously, I get those two mixed up.”
On ABC’s Good Morning America today, Kellyanne Conway was adamant that “President” Trump both does and doesn’t want former FBI Director James Comey to testify before Congress.
“The fact is the president can’t wait for Comey to tell the Senate Intelligence Committee the truth. The alternative fact is the president is terrified Comey will tell the Senate Intelligence Committee the truth. Welcome to my world. I have no idea which of those statements is correct. Maybe both. It’s like I’m that cat in the box and until the box gets opened I either work for a political genius or a blithering idiot. I sincerely have no idea. Maybe I’m not even a cat. Maybe I’m a dog or a pencil or a bowl of soup. Or a box. I might be the box somebody mentioned a minute ago. Oh God, am I the box?!? What were we talking about? Can someone get me a drink? Why can’t Bannon be the box?”
When she was asked who the American people trust most, Comey or Trump, Conway grew irritable.
“Don’t ask me; I’m an empty box with a dead cat in it. Where’s that drink!?!”
Anderson Cooper was right. Donald Trump really could take a dump on his desk in the Oval Office and Jeffrey Lord really would defend it. That is exactly what happened. Minutes before the “President” departed for his trip abroad, Trump pooped on his desk. A source inside the White House told thefloydspin Trump wanted to make sure nobody touched his stuff while he was away embarrassing the United States on the world stage.
“He’s a little obsessive compulsive. If he comes back and finds anything out of place, he’ll go ballistic. I mean literally ballistic. That’s why Mattis keeps him away from the nuclear football. One ink pen pointed east when it should be facing west and North Korea gets turned into a glowing pile of ash, rubble and singed dim sum.”
Thefloydspin spoke with Jeffrey Lord about Trump’s scatological proclivities.
“I don’t know what the big deal is. Yes, Donald Trump poops outside the box. Americans love that about him. They elected him president because they wanted him to leave his permanent mark in Washington.”
Thefloydspin’s White House source agreed with Lord.
“It’s permanent all right. I’m not cleaning that up!”
House speaker Paul Ryan is on the case. Ryan told thefloydspin today that Republicans in Congress will follow the facts as they investigate whether “President” Trump attempted to obstruct the FBI’s investigation into his campaign’s involvement with Russian meddling in the U.S. election.
“Look, just because James Comey wrote a memo, that doesn’t mean President Trump did anything wrong. Keep in mind, this Comey character got fired recently. Are we honestly going to believe someone who can’t hold down a steady job? My motto has always been, ‘Never trust the unemployed.’ Don’t trust poor people, either. Or women, especially pregnant women or women who may become pregnant, which is basically all women. ‘Don’t trust women, poor people, unemployed people or unemployed people who write memos.’ That’s my new, revised motto.”
Asked if the Comey memo is the smoking gun that could get Trump impeached, Ryan pretended to be a chicken by flapping his arms, pecking and laying an egg.
The Trump train has gotten off to a rocky start, but “President” Trump’s loyal supporters remain all aboard. That’s what thefloydspin learned recently when we used a bait and switch scheme to convene a focus group of Trump voters in swing state Michigan. The voters, all residents of Michigan’s upper peninsula, responded to a bogus ad in The Escanaba Daily Press calling for volunteers to monitor a local donut shop being used by Hillary Clinton to launder money from her Bolivian cocaine ring and her mail order human eyeball trafficking operation. After thefloydspin apologized to Marge Court, Jeff Pellum and Jimmer Wittman, we bought them donuts and asked them how they feel Trump is doing.
Marge: Ya know, that’s a good donut! Is there something special in that donut cause that’s a good donut! Whoo hoo! Who wants to get laid?!
Jeff: Easy, Marge. Hands to yourself. Trump? He’s doing fine. He just needs to remember folks like me voted for him because he’ll shake up Washington and because he’s a man, not a female woman like Hillary. Hillary is a female woman. What is in these donuts? Whoo hoo! Say Marge, did anybody ever tell you you’ve got yourself a couple of nice donuts?
Jimmer: Damn right I support President Trump! He got us out of Iraq. He solved the financial crisis and got the economy rolling again. He brought us healthcare for everybody. And also he got Bin Laden, all in the first 100 days. Obama was in there for eight years. How come he couldn’t get any of that stuff done? God bless President Trump! More donuts!
Oops! He did it again. Sean Spicer is backpedaling faster than an NFL free safety after comments he made yesterday favorably comparing Adolf Hitler to Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. In an interview with thefloydspin, Spicer, who admitted he has let “President” Trump down, explained himself.
“I didn’t say Hitler was a nice guy. All I said was Adolf Hitler didn’t drop sarin gas on his own people, which is true. It’s like if I stab you through the heart with a kitchen knife but I don’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun. Aren’t you glad I didn’t shoot you in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun? Or let’s say I systematically exterminate you and six million of your Jewish friends, but I don’t drop a single sarin gas bomb on you. If you’re someone like me who sees the glass as half full, you’re naturally going to be grateful, right?”
Spicer apologized for making it look like the Trump White House is trying to gloss over the Holocaust.
“The president knows the Holocaust was terrible. That’s why there is no longer any Holocaust Center funding in his proposed budget. You’re welcome and Happy Passover!”
“President” Donald Trump surprised a group of middle school students on a tour of the White House today when he popped into the Roosevelt room to blame Barack Obama for the Syrian government’s use of chemical weapons against civilians. A thefloydspin reporter embedded with the children caught Trump’s remarks on tape.
“I had no idea Obama was this nasty! First, he taps my phones. Then he orders the unmasking of Mike Flynn and Zorro and Batman and Lego Batman, who is really Lego Bruce Springsteen. Then he drops gas bombs on innocent people. Very sad. Now who wants to see the nuclear football? Gather round kids. Let’s see who can guess today’s launch code. By the way, little known fact: it’s not an actual football. Also, Lincoln was a Republican, Frederick Douglas is dead, and I don’t care what she says, it was consensual.”
One sixth grader was unimpressed.
“He showed me a used kidney he got off some Congressman. Gross!”