Another Cohen-Trump Phone Tape Surfaces

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Maria Butina aims high.

Vladimir Putin isn’t the only sexy Russian Donald Trump has the hots for. The New York Times is reporting the existence of a taped July 18th phone call between Michael Cohen and “President” Trump. This time the conversation is about hush money Cohen paid to Russian spy Maria Butina. Thefloydspin obtained a copy of the tape by having deep meaningful sex with a Hungarian hacker who obtained his copy by having wild macaroni salad sex with a North Korean hacker who obtained her copy by having perfunctory soul crushing sex with Rudy Giuliani.

Trump: Michael, it’s Donald.

Cohen: Mr. President. Good morning, sir. Let the record reflect I’m speaking to President Trump.

Trump: You’re not recording this, are you?

Cohen: Nope. Can you speak up, sir?

Trump: Sure. Hey, you sent the money to Bootie, right?

Cohen: Bootie?

Trump: That’s my code name for Maria.

Cohen: Speak up, sir.

Trump: Maria. Maria Butina. Pale skin. Always asking for the nuclear codes. Pert little-

Cohen: Got it. The money is in her account. You, uh, didn’t give her the codes, did you sir?

Trump: Don’t worry, it’s Obama’s fault. Hey, you’ve got this handled, right? You don’t think Bootie would cut a deal with Mueller? I guess she couldn’t hurt me too bad. She’s maybe a spy but it’s not like she’s a Playboy model or a porn star or a giraffe. Remember that giraffe? That was a beautiful night, huh?

Cohen: Trust me, she’s the least of your worries.

Trump: I miss that giraffe.

Cohen: Yes, sir.

Trump: I always feel better after we talk.

Cohen: Me too, sir.

 

 

 

 

 

Trump Pardons Nixon

 

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Wrong Nixon

In a move that has many in Washington scratching their heads, “President” Donald Trump announced yesterday that he has issued a pardon to former President Richard Nixon. The announcement is seen by many as Trump’s latest attempt to change the subject at a time when his administration is viewed as corrupt and incompetent. Given the historical context of the pardon, it is unclear if the tactic will work this time around. A spokesman for the president seemed unaware that Gerald Ford pardoned Nixon in 1974.

“Gerald who? I suppose the fake media will make this a story about a president who doesn’t do his homework. He’s not stupid. He knows Nixon was president back in the 90’s and he knows Nixon got in trouble for colluding with Russia and using campaign funds to pay off a porn star. But does he get any credit for factually knowing these well known facts? Of course not. The president is correcting one of history’s great injustices and you guys will end up writing stories about colluding with Russia and using campaign funds to pay off a porn star. Disgusting. Unless the stories come with pictures of porn stars. The boss would be okay with that.”

The spokesman hinted at more pardons to come.

“We’re working up a list. Kim Jong Un, Jack the Ripper, Wile E. Coyote, Cher, Satan, the man who shot Liberty Valance, Liberty Valance, Donald Trump – Senior, not Junior, Thanos, all non-mollusk invertebrates and Florida. It’s going to be a crazy summer.”

Kimswitched! Trump Cancels Summit

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A Kim by any name…

“President” Trump abruptly called off his summit with Kim Jung Un this week when White House aides pointed out that the meeting would be with the leader of North Korea and not the curvy wife of Trump superfan Kanye West. A White House source toldĀ thefloydspin Trump was hoping to use the summit to denuclearize Kardashian’s peninsula.

“The president threw an epic tantrum when he found out he was meeting with a spoiled brat narcissist with a normal butt and not a spoiled brat narcissist with a reality TV butt. He blamed Obama, Clinton, Mueller and the microwave oven in the White House press office for Kimswitching him.”

The summit mix-up is indicative of a president who doesn’t always play well with facts.

“You should have seen the look on his face when he found out there’s no such thing as a Nobel Piece Prize. I swear there has got to be a better way to screw over immigrants and poor people. I fully expect to wake up tomorrow to fourteen tweets about buttgate.”

V.P. Pence Totally Expected to Be President By Now

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Vice President Pence wonders, Faust or famine?

Vice President Mike Pence can’t believe he isn’t president yet. A source close to the veep told thefloydspin today Pence is extremely frustrated that Congress is taking forever to impeach “President” Trump.

“What’s it take to get rid of Trump? I mean the guy makes Mike Pence look like Ronald Reagan! And believe me, Pence is no Ronald Reagan. He’s closer to a Dan Quayle. Except Quayle never betrayed everything he ever stood for to be vice president. Have things gotten so bad in this country that sacrificing your principles on the altar of personal ambition doesn’t get you the presidency? Seriously, I pray for America.”

Pence’s frustration is said to be expressing itself in chilling ways.

“The V.P. wanders the halls of the Naval Observatory practicing his State of the Union speech. It’s kind of creepy to hear him softly sobbing while he mumbles about the sanctity of marriage, religious freedom for rich white people and the healing power of Mayberry R.F.D. re-runs, season 2. His heart is in the right place but Trump is like America’s dose of herpes. He won’t go away and he’s what we get for screwing around with democracy.”

Trump to Replace Entire Cabinet

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Kentucky Fried Senior Staff

“President” Trump will fire his entire cabinet and replace them with Stormy Daniels. A sources close to the president expects the move within days.

“You knew this was coming. Trump never liked the idea of any secretary working for him being an ugly old dude or an ugly old woman or Ben Carson. He’s always leaned toward porn stars in secretarial positions, obviously. And what better way to keep Stormy from blabbing to the press than to put her in charge of education, commerce, foreign affairs, national defense, all the crap the cabinet does. And talk about must see TV, how much you wanna bet she does better at her Senate confirmation hearing than those bozos she’s replacing?”

The source confirmed an even bigger staff shake-up can be expected in the weeks to come.

“He’s replacing John Kelly, his chief of staff and H.R. McMaster, his national security adviser with five hookers, a pile of cash and a bucket of Kentucky fried chicken. The president loves money, breasts and thighs. But only white meat.”

White House Hit by Category Five Stormy

 

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Phallic + Symbolic = The Perfect Stormy

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed today that “President” Trump did not have sex with porn star Stormy Daniels, but if he did, it didn’t constitute reckless, reprehensible behavior, but if it did, the press shouldn’t focus on Trump’s reckless, reprehensible behavior, but if they do, the President’s lawyer Michael Cohen won’t pay every reporter in America $130,000 to shut the hell up, but if he does, that’s not an admission that Trump had sex with porn star Stormy Daniels, but if it is, Trump will meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in May. Sanders made it clear that the president has more important things to worry about than Stormy Daniels.

“The President is focused on denuclearizing either North or South Korea, whichever is the bad one, so he doesn’t have time to worry about someone he never had sex with dozens of times, which is why the President prevailed in the arbitrary arbitration that was arbitrarily arbitrated on I believe Arbor Day. So to sum up, no collusion.”

In related news Miss Daniels announced principal photography for her next project begins Tuesday. Gag Order is scheduled for release Wednesday.

Trump Refuses to Release Democrats’ Wordy Memo

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Actual Photo of Devin Nunes Not Reading Something

White House spokesman Devin Nunes confirmed today that “President” Trump will not release the 10 page memo produced by Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee because it consists of too many words. Appearing on Fox and Friends, Nunes went on to say that Trump might consider releasing the memo at some future date if Democrats agreed to “edit out the words.”

Nunes admitted that neither he nor the President has read the memo. “It’s all about plausible recusability. If I read the memo I’d have to read all memos and I’ve recused myself from reading because, um, I’m Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee so, you know, um, intelligence… I mean… crap, I lost my train of thought… who was talking just now?”

Nunes tried to change the subject. “The President hasn’t read the memo either, but he has given me a statement to read that says something. That is, I think the President’s statement says something. I can’t be sure because I’m not going to read it because I can’t read it without reading it. Government is hard.”