Another Cohen-Trump Phone Tape Surfaces

Capture
Maria Butina aims high.

Vladimir Putin isn’t the only sexy Russian Donald Trump has the hots for. The New York Times is reporting the existence of a taped July 18th phone call between Michael Cohen and “President” Trump. This time the conversation is about hush money Cohen paid to Russian spy Maria Butina. Thefloydspin obtained a copy of the tape by having deep meaningful sex with a Hungarian hacker who obtained his copy by having wild macaroni salad sex with a North Korean hacker who obtained her copy by having perfunctory soul crushing sex with Rudy Giuliani.

Trump: Michael, it’s Donald.

Cohen: Mr. President. Good morning, sir. Let the record reflect I’m speaking to President Trump.

Trump: You’re not recording this, are you?

Cohen: Nope. Can you speak up, sir?

Trump: Sure. Hey, you sent the money to Bootie, right?

Cohen: Bootie?

Trump: That’s my code name for Maria.

Cohen: Speak up, sir.

Trump: Maria. Maria Butina. Pale skin. Always asking for the nuclear codes. Pert little-

Cohen: Got it. The money is in her account. You, uh, didn’t give her the codes, did you sir?

Trump: Don’t worry, it’s Obama’s fault. Hey, you’ve got this handled, right? You don’t think Bootie would cut a deal with Mueller? I guess she couldn’t hurt me too bad. She’s maybe a spy but it’s not like she’s a Playboy model or a porn star or a giraffe. Remember that giraffe? That was a beautiful night, huh?

Cohen: Trust me, she’s the least of your worries.

Trump: I miss that giraffe.

Cohen: Yes, sir.

Trump: I always feel better after we talk.

Cohen: Me too, sir.

 

 

 

 

 

Giuliani: “Don’t Quote Me”

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Rudy Giuliani reveals another Trump secret.

Rudy Giuliani went on CNN today to label statements Rudy Giuliani made on Fox News yesterday as “fake news.” In a 20 minute interview with Dana Bash, Giuliani accused CNN and other news outlets of quoting Rudy Giuliani.

“It’s disgusting that CNN traffics in these massive lies, using my statements about the president’s sexual relationships with porn stars, Playboy models, bar maids, milk maids, chamber maids and scullery maids to accuse the president of having sexual relationships with porn stars, Playboy models, bar maids, milk maids, chamber maids and scullery maids. Why the hell is CNN quoting me? Even I know I’ve got more loose screws than Betsy Devos on ecstasy.”

As is his habit, Giuliani couldn’t resist the urge to drop a bombshell on national television.

“Yes, Donald Trump coordinated with Russian Intelligence to release Clinton campaign emails. But if CNN and the rest of the fake news networks think Donald Trump coordinated with Russian Intelligence to release Clinton campaign emails, they should keep in mind the source of this completely bogus story. Have you met Rudy Giuliani? The guy’s a first class whack-a-doodle. I’m what you get when you lock Mike Pence, Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Sanders in a room for a week with nothing but a bag of Doritos, a book of matches, half a cherry cheese cake and Betsy Devos on ecstasy. And you can quote me on that, but don’t quote me on that.”

Mueller Claims Manafort Looks Crooked

Manafort
Dude’s Guilty

Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller filed new charges yesterday against Paul Manafort, alleging that Manafort looks so much like a crook he must be a crook. In a single page court document filed in Virginia, Mueller makes the legal case for what everybody knows the first time they lay eyes on Manafort: dude’s guilty. The filing, which stands out for its brevity, consists of a photo of Manafort accompanied by two words: “Dude’s guilty.”

Manafort’s attorney denied the charges. “Just because my client looks like Don Corleone on crack’ doesn’t mean he’s guilty. Everybody knows looks can be deceiving. For example, Rick Gates looks smart enough to know that when you testify against your boss bad things happen, like a horse head in bed or a leave-the-gun-take-the-cannoli trip to Jersey or maybe a very special surprise I like to call Mr. Spoon. Yeah, you heard me Ricky, Spoon. It’s the flatware nobody sees coming. Rat-a-tat-tat take that you sneaky no good son of a bitch weasel! Spoon!”