A Pentagon source acknowledged today that, of the 59 tomahawk missiles fired into Syria yesterday, one missed its target. But there is a perfectly good explanation for the malfunction. The Navy replaced the high explosive warhead on missile 59 with two hundred gallons of Pepsi and one Kendall Jenner. Unfortunately, the Pepsi combined with Kendall’s signature body wash, Kleandall, to corrode the circuitry that controls the missile’s guidance system, causing the tomahawk to veer off course. According to the source, what happened next is a testament to the power of Pepsi and Kendall to screw up a wet dream.
“The missile was programmed to hover majestically above Shayrat airfield, ironically spraying a cloud of Pepsi onto the Syrian troops below. Then Kendall was going to shimmy down a rope made of conflict free llama fur, dandelions and extra lacey Victoria’s Secret boustierres. Once she was on the ground she was supposed to walk up to the Syrians in super slow mo and hand the most handsome soldier a Pepsi. Bingo! Middle East solved. Unfortunately, with the GPS gone, the missile went rogue, crashing through a window into some random Syrian teenager’s bedroom. The Pepsi took the brunt of the impact and Kendall survived, but things got ugly. According to social media and cell phone intercepts, the kid was ecstatic. It’s a teenage boy’s dream to wake up to Kendall Jenner soaked in Pepsi, right? But Kendall started screaming her head off, ‘Get me an Uber and get me out of this god-forsaken hell hole!’ She broke the kid’s heart. I’m told Pepsi sent in an elite squad of supermodels dressed as sexy Navy Seals and they got her out. But believe me, that’s the last time the U.S. military loads Kendall Jenner into a missile.”
Hose Speaker Paul Ryan says the Congressional Budget Office report on his Obamacare replacement plan exceeds his expectations. That comes as a surprise to Ryan’s critics who point out that the CBO says 24 million people would lose their insurance under the plan. In an effort to clarify his position, Speaker Ryan used the Skype app on his microwave oven this morning to reach out to thefloydspin.
“Look, for the record, there are a number of things that exceed my expectations. Vietnam, Ebola, Justin Bieber, Star Wars episodes I, II, and III, moldy bread. So it should come as no surprise that the CBO estimate that millions of poor and elderly people will lose insurance struck me as good news. I was afraid rich people were going to lose their insurance, too. Well thanks to Republican leadership, not only will rich people get to keep their insurance, they’ll get a massive tax break, too. Merry Christmas, America!”
Still stinging from the rejection of his previous carrot and stick insurance proposal, Ryan summed up his argument for the plan he now considers America’s last, best hope for a fair and comprehensive solution for the instability in the private insurance market.
Steve King is definitely not a racist. Sure, when he tweeted last Sunday “we can’t restore our civilization with somebody else’s babies” he took a lot of heat for making what many are calling a racist statement. But King doesn’t see it that way. Today, when thefloydspin called King, the Iowa Congressman took pains to clarify his position.
“I didn’t mean to say somebody else’s babies can’t contribute to our civilization. I’m sure there are plenty of babies we can let in from places like England and, um, lower England and Britain and maybe the more Englishy parts of France, upper Britain, those places. Those are somebody else’s babies, right? If we let those babies in we can go a long way toward fixing America. Uh oh, I have to go. Fox News is about to air a special report on Obama. Did you know he was Kenyan? Also black.”
Minutes later, King called back to clarify his earlier clarification.
“Look, I have nothing against somebody else’s babies as long as somebody else is exactly like me. I’m talking about good old American, apple pie eating, God fearing folks who work like twelve days a year, cheat on their taxes, blame foreigners and marry within two or three shades of the correct color. My point is I see no reason to throw the babies out with the bathwater, as long as the bathwater isn’t muddy. See? I’m no racist. I’m just picky. Besides, the times they are a changing. If you ask me, racism is the new patriotism.”
EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt has no idea what is causing global warming, but he’s pretty sure it’s not humans. Pruitt tells thefloydspin scientists are spreading fake science when they claim global warming is the result of the gazillions of tons of carbon dioxide humans annually release into the atmosphere.
“Look, I’m no scientist and I don’t know anything about science. I flunked every science class I ever took. In 7th grade, my science teacher, Mrs. Brink, actually tried to bash me over the head with a model of an atom which, by the way, no such thing as an atom. Look at me now, Mrs. Brink! Ha! I’m the frigging head of the frigging Environmental Eradication Agency! Also, the world is oval, unicorns are real and the dress is purple. The point is my unique, clear-eyed perspective on science allows me to come to the climate change debate with a mind unencumbered by facts and data and science, which is why I can state unequivocally that all scientists who disagree with me are stupid.”
Pruitt tried to cast doubt on the very existence of global warming.
“I’m constantly checking the weather report in all the cold places in the world and all those places are cold. So I say the planet is not warming up. It’s actually getting colder. Especially at night.”
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos may want to crack open a history book. On the last day of Black History Month, DeVos surprised black college leaders when she said that not only did black colleges pioneer school choice, but slavery pioneered public housing. DeVos, the billionaire school choice advocate who claims she has a black friend because imaginary friends count, told the educators gathered for a photo-op in the Oval Office that they should appreciate all aspects of the black experience.
“Slavery pioneered public housing. The international slave trade pioneered foreign policy. Segregation pioneered Rosa Parks. Lynching pioneered something cool, I’m sure. I just can’t remember what it was right now. I’ll get back to you on lynching. See where I’m going with this? For some people the glass is half empty and for some the glass is half full. I count my glass half full of the perfectly drinkable water that comes out of a public water fountain in Mobile, Alabama, as long as that water has been boiled for at least twenty minutes. It’s time we all come together to acknowledge the part all Americans, regardless of the color of their skin, play in weaving the rich tapestry of American life. Now let’s take this picture. All of you stand on that side of the line I’ve taped across the presidential seal and I’ll stand on this side.”
After the photo-op, DeVos treated everybody to a cake decorated with an image of Martin Luther King.
Gather round everyone and don’t worry about getting your fair share of this beautiful cake. All the slices are separate but equal.
It turns out the wall is only the beginning. Press secretary Sean Spicer confirmed today that “President” Trump will sign an executive order calling for a big beautiful roof to be built over the United States. According to Spicer, the roof will keep America safe and it will be paid for by Luxembourg. Spicer told thefloydspin the roof will be an integral part of Trump’s comprehensive immigration plan.
“The president knows that deporting the Statue of Liberty and building a wall are critical first steps, but the job won’t be complete until we build a roof. When the wall is finished, illegal aliens will still try to come in by air, using catapults, hot air balloons, hang gliders, jet packs, human cannonball cannons, ginormous giant slingshots and massive flocks of red breasted sap suckers tied to lawn chairs with bungee cords, all flapping together to suck the sap out of the American way of life. We can only stop this airborne human tidal wave from washing up on our shores from the air if we build the roof and make Luxembourg pay for it.”
Spicer was asked why Luxembourg should be expected to pay for the roof.
“Simple. We’ve got a pool going in the White House for the country we piss off next. Steve Bannon just won fifty bucks.”
She’s outta here! “President” Donald Trump signed an executive order today setting in motion the deportation of the Statue of Liberty. The order comes at a time when the administration is dramatically expanding the pool of undocumented immigrants it targets for deportation. Press secretary Sean Spicer said the order was necessary because the lady has overstayed her welcome.
“We checked and she doesn’t have proper documentation! All she has is this lame tablet she carries around engraved with a bunch of lame platitudes! Boy, talk about the exact kind of people we want to keep out! The last thing we need is some tired, poor, large green woman lugging a flaming torch into our country! And that’s why the president has instructed the immigration service to unbolt her and send her back to Germany! Yeah, that’s right, I said Germany! We won the election so Germany! Shut up!”
After signing the order, Trump took to Twitter to tout his hard line on immigration.
“The sad un-American Statue of Liberty is history. I hear millions have been inside her! I never touched her!”