Another Cohen-Trump Phone Tape Surfaces

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Maria Butina aims high.

Vladimir Putin isn’t the only sexy Russian Donald Trump has the hots for. The New York Times is reporting the existence of a taped July 18th phone call between Michael Cohen and “President” Trump. This time the conversation is about hush money Cohen paid to Russian spy Maria Butina. Thefloydspin obtained a copy of the tape by having deep meaningful sex with a Hungarian hacker who obtained his copy by having wild macaroni salad sex with a North Korean hacker who obtained her copy by having perfunctory soul crushing sex with Rudy Giuliani.

Trump: Michael, it’s Donald.

Cohen: Mr. President. Good morning, sir. Let the record reflect I’m speaking to President Trump.

Trump: You’re not recording this, are you?

Cohen: Nope. Can you speak up, sir?

Trump: Sure. Hey, you sent the money to Bootie, right?

Cohen: Bootie?

Trump: That’s my code name for Maria.

Cohen: Speak up, sir.

Trump: Maria. Maria Butina. Pale skin. Always asking for the nuclear codes. Pert little-

Cohen: Got it. The money is in her account. You, uh, didn’t give her the codes, did you sir?

Trump: Don’t worry, it’s Obama’s fault. Hey, you’ve got this handled, right? You don’t think Bootie would cut a deal with Mueller? I guess she couldn’t hurt me too bad. She’s maybe a spy but it’s not like she’s a Playboy model or a porn star or a giraffe. Remember that giraffe? That was a beautiful night, huh?

Cohen: Trust me, she’s the least of your worries.

Trump: I miss that giraffe.

Cohen: Yes, sir.

Trump: I always feel better after we talk.

Cohen: Me too, sir.

 

 

 

 

 

NRA Spokeswoman Fires Away at Critics

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NRA Spokeswoman Dana “Dead-eye” Loesch 

National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana “Dead-eye” Loesch shot several holes in the argument for banning semiautomatic rifles yesterday at a press conference marred by the accidental shooting of twenty-nine reporters.

“Some people say let’s keep guns out of the hands of crazy people who want to shoot people who don’t have guns because crazy people with guns shoot more people who don’t have guns than crazy people who don’t have guns. I say who are these crazy people who don’t have guns? Don’t they know there are a bunch of crazy people running around with guns? This is America, not some crazy third world country where they take guns away from crazy people and force them to shoot people with their bare hands. Can you imagine me shooting someone with my bare hands. Not with these nails! Crazy! That’s why I carry this Bushmaster XM-15. It’s sleek, it’s stylish and it has a hair trigger. Don’t worry, it’s loaded.

A GoFundMe has been set up to cover medical expenses.