Thefloydspin has learned that Sean Spicer used to be the White House press secretary, a stunning revelation that comes on the heels of the stunning revelation that Sean Spicer has resigned his position as the White House press secretary. A source close to the “president” says news of Spicer’s previously undisclosed role comes as a complete surprise.
“Until now, I thought he was just another liar. Hell, that describes the entire Administration, from the vice-president to cabinet secretaries to the shirtless guy who empties the waste baskets. We’re all liars. There are two things the president demands from his team: absolute loyalty and utter contempt for the truth. You’d think someone would tell the president those two don’t go together. Of course, that would be a lie. Unless I’m lying to you right now. Which I am. Not. Not not. Not not not not not. Mind blowing, huh?”
Kellyanne Conway, the counselor to “President” Trump widely regarded as “Most Likely to Be Struck By Lightning Directly from the Middle Finger of God,” struggled today to walk back a statement she made referencing the Bowling Green Massacre, an American tragedy that didn’t happen. Conway told thefloydspin the press missed the larger point she was making in defense of her boss’ controversial executive order on immigration.
“This fake news makes me sick to my stomach. I wasn’t talking history per se. This is Alternative History. It’s like in that George Orson Wells book, 1985, when the benevolent government encourages people everywhere to express themselves freely as they embrace their rights to life, liberty and soylent green, which is definitely not made out of people. I don’t see why the press doesn’t understand that. Anyway, as any student of Alternative History knows, all refugees are terrorists, especially the compact ones. The fake news media calls them children, but over in the White House, we know what they really are: bomblets.”
Conway suggested the Trump Administration may soon try to mainstream Alternative History.
“Betsy DeVos, our new Education Secretary, will make sure Alternative History gets taught in every inner city public school in America. That way the tragedy of the Bowling Green Massacre will never be forgotten, whether it ‘happened’ or not.”
Steve Bannon, Donald Trump’s controversial new campaign CEO, got even with members of the press today when he forced them to watch as he ate a copy of Trump’s 2015 tax returns. Bannon, the combative Edidtor-in-Chief for Breitbart News, the online publication known for pushing an alt-right agenda, performed the stunt out of spite for reporters pressing him to explain Trump’s refusal to release his tax returns. Between bites, Bannon explained Mr. Trump’s reasons for keeping his tax returns under wraps.
It took Bannon three hours to consume the five foot high stack of documents and when he finished he belched, patted his stomach, punched a New York Times reporter and downed a glass of chardonnay. Clearly pleased with himself, Bannon waddled out of the room, pausing just long enough to slap a Washington Post reporter. Within minutes, however, Bannon found himself in an awkward position when he rushed into the nearest men’s room followed by a gaggle of reporters looking for a scoop.
Responding to what he wrongly perceives as negative press coverage, Donald Trump has banned thefloydspin from attending all Trump campaign and business related events. Thefloydspin joins Politicoin the ranks of highly respected news organizations that have recently paid the price for criticizing Trump. Speaking to reporters he likes, Trump tried to alter the perception that his decision constitutes another in a series of attacks against freedom of the press.
“The writers at thefloydspin are not Politico. They’re not legitimate journalists. They don’t care about the facts. They don’t care about the truth. Why haven’t the losers running my campaign hired these guys?”
The Editor in Chief at thefloydspin’s Los Angeles headquarters, Floyd, issued an elegantly penned, correctly spelled statement skewering Trump’s treatment of the press.
“Whoo hoo! This will probably double our readership from almost six to well over eleven views a day! Thanks Donald, for doing for thefloydspin what questionable integrity, sloppy journalism and eighth grade writing skills couldn’t. Also, it goes without saying thefloydspin is honored to be mentioned in the same breath as Politico, a legit news organization whom we constantly plagiarize, but only as a sign of respect and because we’re lazy . By the way, Trump has also banned Univision, The Des Moines Register, Buzzfeed, The Gridley Herald and The Huffington Post. But we don’t plagiarize any of them, so no biggie.”
An alien fleet of flying saucers bound for Earth has been delayed after their leader tuned into Fox News and began to question the wisdom of enslaving the human race. General Derklomenopor, Supreme Commander of the invasion force from Kepler 62f, an earth-like planet located in the Lyra constellation some 1,200 lightyears from Earth, spoke telepathically with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, whom many believe is probably an alien himself.
“Yeah, we intercepted a signal from your Fox News and I couldn’t believe my eye. The talking humanoids were spewing such hatred I almost threw up in both my butts. Luckily, I was able to cleanse the images from my brain by switching to a Gilligan’s Island re-run. The Skipper was the hottest female on that show.”
Pressed by Blitzer to explain what it was that bothered him about Fox News, Derklomenopor telespoke candidly.
“They’re a bunch of lying plerkholes, with their ‘Benghazi’ this and ‘death panels’ that. If I want to see humans existing in a distorted reality of their own creation, I’ll turn on the Kardashians. At least they have massive schloogmirkers, if you know what I mean.”
Derklomenopor suggested that his long journey may not have been a total waste.
“I figure we’ll eliminate the humans and move in. We won’t have a race of slaves to do our bidding, but at least the universe will finally be rid of Justin Bieber. Totally worth it.”
Donald Trump and Rick Perry appeared before members of the press today to deny rumors that Trump has hired his former rival as his ventriloquist’s dummy. Their argument was undercut by the fact that Trump stood with his hand in Perry’s back as Perry appeared to answer questions while Trump nodded and smiled, his lips barely moving. Asked who was doing the actual talking, Perry insisted it was him, not Trump.
“I’m nobody’s puppet, even if that nobody is a tremendously successful businessman who is going to make America so great and so beautiful, you won’t believe. In other words, I’m behind Donald Trump because Donald Trump is behind me. Right, Mr. Trump?”
“Hey, Mr. Trump.”
“How can you tell when a politician is lying?
“I don’t know, Ricky, how?”
“My lips are moving!”
“Funny, Ricky. Now say goodbye to the nice press people. It’s time to go into the cabinet.”