Thanks, Obama! “President” Donald Trump revealed today that in addition to tapping the phones at Trump Tower, former President Obama is now tapping Trump’s mind. Trump spoke with thefloydspin via carrier pigeon because he considers direct communication a security threat and because he likes the sound carrier pigeons make when you stroke their tail feathers.
“This is bigger than Watergate, McCarthyism and the fake Sun fake landing the government has been covering up since the 1960’s! Obama is trying to distract attention from his sad, failed presidency by taping (sic) my big beautiful mind and telling everybody what I’m thinking before Steve Bannon can tell me it’s okay to think what I think I’m thinking. I demand a congressional investigation into Obama’s sic (sic) illegal mind taping (sic) of myy (sic) mind! At least I think I do, I think. I’ll have to get back to you on that.”
A spokesman for the former president confirmed that Obama is indeed tapping Trump’s mind.
“Sure, President Obama has been tapping Trump’s mind since the inauguration. The former president considers it his patriotic duty as the Imperial Leader of the Deep State. Trust me, he’d rather be doing other things. Every time he steps into that mental house of horrors he comes away with a stomach ache and an overwhelming urge to land on the Sun again.”
Attorney General Jeff Sessions has a perfectly good, new and improved explanation. In a news conference yesterday, Sessions announced his intention to recuse himself from the investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian officials, despite his earlier claim that he was sexy space vixen Barbarella – not genteel Southern racist Senator Jeff Sessions – when he met Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. Sessions told the press he misunderstood the question when senator Al Franken asked him about communications between the Trump campaign and the Russians.
“It was an honest lie. I thought he was asking me about the meetings that took place between Jared Kushner and the Russians or Michael Flynn and the Russians or Carter Page and the Russians or Paul Manafort and the Russians or Ivanka’s cat and the Russians or the doorman at Trump Tower and the Russians or basically everybody who was in any way connected with the Trump campaign and the Russians. Honestly, I thought I was lying about all of them, not me. I don’t see why everybody is so upset over me lying about me when clearly I was lying about them. And that’s the truth, as far as you know. By the way, don’t be surprised tomorrow when President Trump eliminates tariffs on Russian catnip.”
The Attorney General agreed that, as the nation’s top law enforcement official, he has a special responsibility to tell the truth.
“Absolutely. That’s why I recently underwent surgery to have all the fingers on both hands permanently crossed. I thought that would be enough but now I see I’m going to need to get the toes done, too.”
Attorney General Jeff Sessions can’t understand what all the fuss is about. Sessions, who is under fire for lying during his senate confirmation hearing about meetings he had with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, tells thefloydspin he met with Kislyak not as Jeff Sessions but as Barbarella, the sexy space hottie played by Jane Fonda in the movie of the same name.
“Folks are upset because they think it was Trump Adviser Jeff Sessions or Senator Jeff Sessions who met with the Russian Ambassador. Nothing could be further from the truth! When we met I was Barbarella. You can ask Sergey. I was dressed in a sexy space boustierre with a see through breast window to show off my boobs. I’ll tell you, I never thought my saggy old man breasts could be sexy until I saw the tent Sergey pitched in his pants when we were talking about Vladimir Putin’s efforts to sabotage Hillary Clinton’s campaign! Just thinking about it makes me blush!”
Sessions confirmed that to avoid the appearance of impropriety, he will recuse himself from the investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian officials.
“Attorney General Jeff Sessions won’t be involved in the investigation, but Barbarella pledges to get to the bottom of this whole naughty affair!”
In the wake of the disastrously normal speech delivered by President Trump last night, thefloydspin will reluctantly take a hiatus from Donald scalding. The duration of our self-imposed timeout will be determined by the next dumb thing “President” Trump does, says, tweets or signs. We had hoped to be back at it as soon as, well, now, with the announcement of the revised travel ban, but that announcement has been delayed because who wants to drop a racist turd on all the good press the boss is enjoying today? So, as we wander the halls of our Washington bureau, humming “Send in the Clowns,” a bottle of Nyquil in one hand and a tear-stained copy of the political cartoon depicting Lyndon Johnson’s appendix scar as a map of Vietnam in the other, we are haunted by the image of a president who does the everyday presidential stuff: making promises he can’t keep, taking credit he doesn’t deserve and blaming others for his mistakes – all while refraining from calling anyone a fat pig, a pathetic loser or a failing failed failure with delusions of failure. And while America is much better off when the ship of state is piloted by someone with a steady hand, we at thefloydspin hold out hope that soon the dark side of the Trump will re-emerge, Twitter will provide, and Kellyanne, Sean and the rest of the alt-Executive gang will return to doing what they do best, fraying the threads Betsy sewed into our flag faster than you can scream “Mother Russia!” When that happens, gentle readers, thefloydspin will return to our fish-in-a-barrel brand of left leaning political satire aimed straight at the kisser of the Knucklehead-in-Chief. Until then, there’s always Congress!
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos may want to crack open a history book. On the last day of Black History Month, DeVos surprised black college leaders when she said that not only did black colleges pioneer school choice, but slavery pioneered public housing. DeVos, the billionaire school choice advocate who claims she has a black friend because imaginary friends count, told the educators gathered for a photo-op in the Oval Office that they should appreciate all aspects of the black experience.
“Slavery pioneered public housing. The international slave trade pioneered foreign policy. Segregation pioneered Rosa Parks. Lynching pioneered something cool, I’m sure. I just can’t remember what it was right now. I’ll get back to you on lynching. See where I’m going with this? For some people the glass is half empty and for some the glass is half full. I count my glass half full of the perfectly drinkable water that comes out of a public water fountain in Mobile, Alabama, as long as that water has been boiled for at least twenty minutes. It’s time we all come together to acknowledge the part all Americans, regardless of the color of their skin, play in weaving the rich tapestry of American life. Now let’s take this picture. All of you stand on that side of the line I’ve taped across the presidential seal and I’ll stand on this side.”
After the photo-op, DeVos treated everybody to a cake decorated with an image of Martin Luther King.
Gather round everyone and don’t worry about getting your fair share of this beautiful cake. All the slices are separate but equal.
Florida Senator Marco Rubio wants everybody to know he has feelings and they can be hurt. Rubio, who refuses to hold town hall meetings with constituents because he might get yelled at for supporting Obamacare repeal, told thefloydspin people need to be more sensitive to the pain he goes through when he is forced to face people who disagree with him.
“Make no mistake, I love getting together with voters for a lively discussion of how right I am about stuff I’m right about. But these activists who want to express their own so called ‘opinions’ make me sick to my stomach. My stomach is very sensitive. I also get a little queasy when I eat bell peppers or apricots. Just mention apricots and I get thirsty and my tummy hurts. I have to drink a quart of water and take a nap.”
Rubio has little sympathy for people who might be hurt by the repeal of Obamacare.
“If people can’t afford health insurance they should do what the rest of us do, become senators. I have excellent insurance, which I earned by doing the hard work of courageously voting for excellent insurance for me. Besides, we are going to replace Obamacare with something much better. It may not cover as many people and it will probably cost more and the benefits will definitely suck but anything is better than Obamacare, right? Oh, my tummy hurts. Good thing I have insurance.”
It turns out the wall is only the beginning. Press secretary Sean Spicer confirmed today that “President” Trump will sign an executive order calling for a big beautiful roof to be built over the United States. According to Spicer, the roof will keep America safe and it will be paid for by Luxembourg. Spicer told thefloydspin the roof will be an integral part of Trump’s comprehensive immigration plan.
“The president knows that deporting the Statue of Liberty and building a wall are critical first steps, but the job won’t be complete until we build a roof. When the wall is finished, illegal aliens will still try to come in by air, using catapults, hot air balloons, hang gliders, jet packs, human cannonball cannons, ginormous giant slingshots and massive flocks of red breasted sap suckers tied to lawn chairs with bungee cords, all flapping together to suck the sap out of the American way of life. We can only stop this airborne human tidal wave from washing up on our shores from the air if we build the roof and make Luxembourg pay for it.”
Spicer was asked why Luxembourg should be expected to pay for the roof.
“Simple. We’ve got a pool going in the White House for the country we piss off next. Steve Bannon just won fifty bucks.”