Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed today that “President” Trump did not have sex with porn star Stormy Daniels, but if he did, it didn’t constitute reckless, reprehensible behavior, but if it did, the press shouldn’t focus on Trump’s reckless, reprehensible behavior, but if they do, the President’s lawyer Michael Cohen won’t pay every reporter in America $130,000 to shut the hell up, but if he does, that’s not an admission that Trump had sex with porn star Stormy Daniels, but if it is, Trump will meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un in May. Sanders made it clear that the president has more important things to worry about than Stormy Daniels.
“The President is focused on denuclearizing either North or South Korea, whichever is the bad one, so he doesn’t have time to worry about someone he never had sex with dozens of times, which is why the President prevailed in the arbitrary arbitration that was arbitrarily arbitrated on I believe Arbor Day. So to sum up, no collusion.”
In related news Miss Daniels announced principal photography for her next project begins Tuesday. Gag Order is scheduled for release Wednesday.
National Rifle Association spokeswoman Dana “Dead-eye” Loesch shot several holes in the argument for banning semiautomatic rifles yesterday at a press conference marred by the accidental shooting of twenty-nine reporters.
“Some people say let’s keep guns out of the hands of crazy people who want to shoot people who don’t have guns because crazy people with guns shoot more people who don’t have guns than crazy people who don’t have guns. I say who are these crazy people who don’t have guns? Don’t they know there are a bunch of crazy people running around with guns? This is America, not some crazy third world country where they take guns away from crazy people and force them to shoot people with their bare hands. Can you imagine me shooting someone with my bare hands. Not with these nails! Crazy! That’s why I carry this Bushmaster XM-15. It’s sleek, it’s stylish and it has a hair trigger. Don’t worry, it’s loaded.
A GoFundMe has been set up to cover medical expenses.
Special Prosecutor Robert Mueller filed new charges yesterday against Paul Manafort, alleging that Manafort looks so much like a crook he must be a crook. In a single page court document filed in Virginia, Mueller makes the legal case for what everybody knows the first time they lay eyes on Manafort: dude’s guilty. The filing, which stands out for its brevity, consists of a photo of Manafort accompanied by two words: “Dude’s guilty.”
Manafort’s attorney denied the charges. “Just because my client looks like Don Corleone on crack’ doesn’t mean he’s guilty. Everybody knows looks can be deceiving. For example, Rick Gates looks smart enough to know that when you testify against your boss bad things happen, like a horse head in bed or a leave-the-gun-take-the-cannoli trip to Jersey or maybe a very special surprise I like to call Mr. Spoon. Yeah, you heard me Ricky, Spoon. It’s the flatware nobody sees coming. Rat-a-tat-tat take that you sneaky no good son of a bitch weasel! Spoon!”
White House spokesman Devin Nunes confirmed today that “President” Trump will not release the 10 page memo produced by Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee because it consists of too many words. Appearing on Fox and Friends, Nunes went on to say that Trump might consider releasing the memo at some future date if Democrats agreed to “edit out the words.”
Nunes admitted that neither he nor the President has read the memo. “It’s all about plausible recusability. If I read the memo I’d have to read all memos and I’ve recused myself from reading because, um, I’m Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee so, you know, um, intelligence… I mean… crap, I lost my train of thought… who was talking just now?”
Nunes tried to change the subject. “The President hasn’t read the memo either, but he has given me a statement to read that says something. That is, I think the President’s statement says something. I can’t be sure because I’m not going to read it because I can’t read it without reading it. Government is hard.”
Thefloydspin has learned that Sean Spicer used to be the White House press secretary, a stunning revelation that comes on the heels of the stunning revelation that Sean Spicer has resigned his position as the White House press secretary. A source close to the “president” says news of Spicer’s previously undisclosed role comes as a complete surprise.
“Until now, I thought he was just another liar. Hell, that describes the entire Administration, from the vice-president to cabinet secretaries to the shirtless guy who empties the waste baskets. We’re all liars. There are two things the president demands from his team: absolute loyalty and utter contempt for the truth. You’d think someone would tell the president those two don’t go together. Of course, that would be a lie. Unless I’m lying to you right now. Which I am. Not. Not not. Not not not not not. Mind blowing, huh?”
Donald Trump Jr. has changed his story. Again. Trump is now saying the meeting that took place at Trump Tower last June was about Russian adoptions after all. Speaking to Tucker Carlson on Fox News last night, Junior finally came clean with the whole, real, true account of what happened in the meeting.
“Tucker, that meeting wasn’t about getting the goods on Hillary Clinton. It wasn’t about Russian sanctions relief. And it for sure wasn’t about sharing detailed NATO troop deployment figures, including contingency plans for Russian land, air and sea incursions over a three thousand mile corridor. How could it be? Jared didn’t have his security clearance, yet. It was about the love between a vicious tyrant and a vicious tyrant’s son. That was the day I looked into Vladimir Putin’s eyes and knew he would be the dad I never had. That was the day we started adoption proceedings. As of 3 o’clock this afternoon, I’m officially Vladimir Putin’s filthy rich kid.”
Trump said Sarah Huckabee Sanders’ recent comments vindicated his decision to embrace Putin.
“When she said I played a very minor role in the Trump family for a short period of time, that hurt. I played a very minor role in the Trump family for a long period of time. There’s a difference.”
Thefloydspin has learned that Russian President Vladimir Putin participated in the meeting between Donald Trump, Jr. and a Russian government lawyer. In an email, Trump’s attorney, Alan Futerfas, confirmed Putin’s presence at the meeting but insisted his client didn’t know who Putin was.
“It’s a simple case of mistaken identity. Donald Trump Jr. thought Mr. Putin was the head custodian at Trump Tower. When Donald entered the room, he saw a bare chested Putin digging through the waste basket, so he naturally assumed this guy couldn’t afford a shirt and was looking for spare change and aluminum cans. The Trumps don’t pay their help much so that story checks out.”
Minutes later, Futerfas followed up with another email meant to set the record straight about his first email.
“In retrospect, my client would have done things differently if he had known he was meeting with the President of Russia to discuss Russian baby adoptions, which is all that was discussed, unless somebody secretly recorded this meeting, in which case please delete that first email I sent. Please delete this email, too, so there will be no email record of this email about that email I definitely didn’t send about something that may or may not have been discussed, which if it was, it wasn’t, in a meeting which may or may not have happened, which if it did, it didn’t. Shift delete.”