Trump to Donate Kidney to Toys for Tots

Actual Photo of the Kid Who Gets Trump’s Kidney

The White House announced today that “President” Trump will donate a kidney to Toys for Tots. According to administration spokesman Sean Spicer, Trump wants to find a way to make a difference in people’s lives that doesn’t involve learning facts or working with Congress. Shortly after making the announcement, the White House press office scrambled to clarify the identity of the kidney’s owner.

“There has been speculation in the fake news media that the kidney the president will donate will not be his own. Nothing could be further from the truth. The president owns the kidney fair and square and he has the bill of sale to prove it. The president paid a fair black market price for the kidney, which is legal because it came from a black person. Also, this transaction is in no way racist because the President of the United States is, by definition, not a racist. For the record, the kidney the president got from Congressman Nunes last week will remain the property of the president and will not be donated to Toys for Tots.”

Spicer was asked why Toys for Tots would want a donated kidney.

“What do we care? It’s tax deductible.”

Egyptian Dictator El-Sisi Throws out First Pitch at Nats’ Home Opener

Actual Photo of a Baseball

Egyptian dictator Abdel Fattah el-Sisi earned his spot on Team Trump today when he took a motorcade directly from his meeting with the “President” to Nationals Park, where he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. Despite his abysmal record on human rights, the brutal dictator was invited to take the mound in Trump’s stead because Americans despise him less than they do Trump. A senior White House staffer told thefloydspin el-Sisi was Trump’s second choice.

“We originally wanted Chinese President Xi Jinping but he hates the Nationals. Xi’s a Mets fan. Personally, I think el-Sisi worked out fine. He had no trouble making the throw after he pulled a gun on the grounds crew and ordered them to move the pitcher’s mound to fifteen feet from home plate.”

As for the throw, it looked low and inside, but the White House insists it was a strike.

“Right down the middle. Look, under the circumstances, General el-Sisi did as well as could be expected. Yes, the crowd booed him for twenty minutes, but nobody tried to rush the field or anything. Though, to be fair, the gun might have had something to do with that. When you shoot the umpire in the toe for calling your pitch a ball, that tends to send a message.”

Sean Spicer’s Friendly Advice for Michael Flynn

Actual Photo of Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About

Michael Flynn has some splainin’ to do, and “President” Donald Trump’s spokesman, Sean Spicer, wants to help. Lawyers for Flynn, the disgraced former National Security Advisor who has the distinction of being the first rat on the SS Trumptanic to be tossed overboard, have offered a deal for their client to testify before the House and Senate Intelligence Committees in exchange for immunity. Press Secretary Sean Spicer told thefloydspin the Trump Administration supports Flynn’s legal strategy.

“If I were him I’d want immunity, too. When you testify under oath, you need all the protection you can get. You never know what might happen. Let’s say you have a kitty cat. You love that kitty cat. You don’t want anything bad to ever happen to that poor little kitty. Now, let’s say you named that kitty cat ‘Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About.’ It would be a shame if a completely accidentally randomly tragically tragic accident were to befall poor little Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About. Hypothetically speaking, of course.”

Thefloysdpin reached out to Flynn to check on the health of Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About. Flynn doesn’t own a cat.

Nunes Calls for Investigation Investigation

Actual Photo of the Gavel Chairman Nunes Uses to Beat Democracy over the Head

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes has had it with Democrats interfering with his committee’s investigation into Russian hacking. Nunes told thefloydspin this morning he is calling for a committee to investigate his investigation.

“Democrats have a lot to answer for and I’m calling for a Select House Intelligence Team to make sure they are held to account. It’ll be like the Benghazi Committee Committee or the Benghazi Committee Committee Committee, which were charged with investigating the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi and the Benghazi Committee Committee’s investigation of the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi, respectively. All of those committees did a bang-up job and it’s that kind of investigative zeal we need to get to the bottom of Democratic interference in the House Intelligence Committee’s efforts to scrub the Russian poop off Donald Trump’s big beautiful behind.”

Asked about his own interference in his committee’s work, the Congressman pointed a finger at himself, sort of.

“Absolutely, the American people want to know why Democrats are allowing me to cancel hearing after hearing and go behind the committee’s back to brief the president on classified material I got from the president. The Select House Intelligence Team is the only way to get to the bottom of the Democrats efforts to allow me to sabotage the work of this committee. Hopefully, I’ll be in charge of the S.H.I.T. You know I’m really good at that kind of stuff.”

Nunes Declares Intelligence Investigation Complete

Actual Photo of Devin Nunes’ Bedspread

Full steam ahead. Congressman Devin Nunes, chair of the tragically mis-named House Intelligence Committee is moving forward with his head scratching strategy for leading the Committee’s investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 U.S. elections. Nunes told reporters today he will go wherever the facts lead, as long as they don’t lead to the White House.

“Let me begin by saying I remain committed to knowing everything there is to know about these baseless, bogus accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. Now, the good news. The investigation is done. Finally! After the shocking cancellation of two Intelligence Committee hearings this week – which I promise I will find out why I did that – I and my fellow Republicans feel we have ignored enough evidence to know everything there is to know about these bogus, baseless accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. It turns out these baseless, bogus accusations are both bogus and baseless. Also bogus.”

Nunes was asked whether he intends to provide documents to back up his claim.

“Yes, but it might take a while. I type like twelve words a minute.”

Paul Ryan Can’t Wait to F**k Up the Rest of Republican Agenda

Actual Photo of Congress Inaction

All of Washington sees the failure of the House of Representatives to pass a law to repeal and replace Obamacare as a catastrophe for both “President” Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan. Ryan disagrees. Paul Ryan told thefloydspin he thinks things are looking up for the Republican legislative agenda.

“Look, when you consider all we did not get done in a very short time you come away thinking this Congress is capable of not doing big things. Think about it. How many times in history has Congress gone from the introduction of major legislation to not passing that legislation in just seventeen days? It’s not been done before. And this is just the beginning. I bet we can not pass comprehensive tax reform in ten days. Infrastructure? Five days, maybe six if we take a day off to not do tort reform. I tell you I’m positively giddy thinking about all the things Republicans can not get done now that we’re in charge. The sky’s not the limit!”

Asked if not governing is what Republicans were sent to Washington to do, Ryan answered from a skewed historical perspective.

“In the immortal words of Bobby Kennedy, ‘Some men see things as they are and say why not. I dream things that never were and say why not not?’ I could not not not have said it better myself.”

Spicer Takes Up Residence in Credibility Canyon

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Actual Photo of Where the Truth Goes to Die

You have to give press secretary Sean Spicer credit. As “President” Trump’s credibility gap grows from chasm to gorge to canyon, Spicer is spanning the gulf with more and more tangled webs of deceit, distortion, deception and flat out bullshit. At this morning’s daily White House press briefing, Spicer told reporters he cannot understand why they insist on contradicting his false claim that Paul Manafort, Trump’s ex-campaign manager, played a “very limited role” in the campaign.

“You guys don’t get it. When I say the President has no idea who this Pete Monafort character is, you need to take me at my word. It’s like last week when I said Galileo proved the world was flat and Al Gore told me there was no such thing as Global Warming and President Obama installed a miniature camera on my electric toothbrush. We all agree these are practically actual factually facty facts, right? So why not believe me now? I swear, if you people can’t trust me, how are we all going to make it through these next twelve years?”

When more than one member of the press pointed out that everything coming out of Spicer’s mouth was false, Spicer invited Senior White House Liar Kellyanne Conway to the podium.

“So you like picking on Sean, huh? Alright, you asked for it. Playtime with Kellyanne! Let’s talk Bowling Green Birth Certificate Voter Fraud Massacre!”