A Pentagon source acknowledged today that, of the 59 tomahawk missiles fired into Syria yesterday, one missed its target. But there is a perfectly good explanation for the malfunction. The Navy replaced the high explosive warhead on missile 59 with two hundred gallons of Pepsi and one Kendall Jenner. Unfortunately, the Pepsi combined with Kendall’s signature body wash, Kleandall, to corrode the circuitry that controls the missile’s guidance system, causing the tomahawk to veer off course. According to the source, what happened next is a testament to the power of Pepsi and Kendall to screw up a wet dream.
“The missile was programmed to hover majestically above Shayrat airfield, ironically spraying a cloud of Pepsi onto the Syrian troops below. Then Kendall was going to shimmy down a rope made of conflict free llama fur, dandelions and extra lacey Victoria’s Secret boustierres. Once she was on the ground she was supposed to walk up to the Syrians in super slow mo and hand the most handsome soldier a Pepsi. Bingo! Middle East solved. Unfortunately, with the GPS gone, the missile went rogue, crashing through a window into some random Syrian teenager’s bedroom. The Pepsi took the brunt of the impact and Kendall survived, but things got ugly. According to social media and cell phone intercepts, the kid was ecstatic. It’s a teenage boy’s dream to wake up to Kendall Jenner soaked in Pepsi, right? But Kendall started screaming her head off, ‘Get me an Uber and get me out of this god-forsaken hell hole!’ She broke the kid’s heart. I’m told Pepsi sent in an elite squad of supermodels dressed as sexy Navy Seals and they got her out. But believe me, that’s the last time the U.S. military loads Kendall Jenner into a missile.”
“President” Donald Trump surprised a group of middle school students on a tour of the White House today when he popped into the Roosevelt room to blame Barack Obama for the Syrian government’s use of chemical weapons against civilians. A thefloydspin reporter embedded with the children caught Trump’s remarks on tape.
“I had no idea Obama was this nasty! First, he taps my phones. Then he orders the unmasking of Mike Flynn and Zorro and Batman and Lego Batman, who is really Lego Bruce Springsteen. Then he drops gas bombs on innocent people. Very sad. Now who wants to see the nuclear football? Gather round kids. Let’s see who can guess today’s launch code. By the way, little known fact: it’s not an actual football. Also, Lincoln was a Republican, Frederick Douglas is dead, and I don’t care what she says, it was consensual.”
One sixth grader was unimpressed.
“He showed me a used kidney he got off some Congressman. Gross!”
The White House announced today that “President” Trump will donate a kidney to Toys for Tots. According to administration spokesman Sean Spicer, Trump wants to find a way to make a difference in people’s lives that doesn’t involve learning facts or working with Congress. Shortly after making the announcement, the White House press office scrambled to clarify the identity of the kidney’s owner.
“There has been speculation in the fake news media that the kidney the president will donate will not be his own. Nothing could be further from the truth. The president owns the kidney fair and square and he has the bill of sale to prove it. The president paid a fair black market price for the kidney, which is legal because it came from a black person. Also, this transaction is in no way racist because the President of the United States is, by definition, not a racist. For the record, the kidney the president got from Congressman Nunes last week will remain the property of the president and will not be donated to Toys for Tots.”
Spicer was asked why Toys for Tots would want a donated kidney.
Egyptian dictator Abdel Fattah el-Sisi earned his spot on Team Trump today when he took a motorcade directly from his meeting with the “President” to Nationals Park, where he threw out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. Despite his abysmal record on human rights, the brutal dictator was invited to take the mound in Trump’s stead because Americans despise him less than they do Trump. A senior White House staffer told thefloydspin el-Sisi was Trump’s second choice.
“We originally wanted Chinese President Xi Jinping but he hates the Nationals. Xi’s a Mets fan. Personally, I think el-Sisi worked out fine. He had no trouble making the throw after he pulled a gun on the grounds crew and ordered them to move the pitcher’s mound to fifteen feet from home plate.”
As for the throw, it looked low and inside, but the White House insists it was a strike.
“Right down the middle. Look, under the circumstances, General el-Sisi did as well as could be expected. Yes, the crowd booed him for twenty minutes, but nobody tried to rush the field or anything. Though, to be fair, the gun might have had something to do with that. When you shoot the umpire in the toe for calling your pitch a ball, that tends to send a message.”
Michael Flynn has some splainin’ to do, and “President” Donald Trump’s spokesman, Sean Spicer, wants to help. Lawyers for Flynn, the disgraced former National Security Advisor who has the distinction of being the first rat on the SS Trumptanic to be tossed overboard, have offered a deal for their client to testify before the House and Senate Intelligence Committees in exchange for immunity. Press Secretary Sean Spicer told thefloydspin the Trump Administration supports Flynn’s legal strategy.
“If I were him I’d want immunity, too. When you testify under oath, you need all the protection you can get. You never know what might happen. Let’s say you have a kitty cat. You love that kitty cat. You don’t want anything bad to ever happen to that poor little kitty. Now, let’s say you named that kitty cat ‘Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About.’ It would be a shame if a completely accidentally randomly tragically tragic accident were to befall poor little Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About. Hypothetically speaking, of course.”
Thefloysdpin reached out to Flynn to check on the health of Mike Flynn’s Entire Family and Everyone He Ever Cared About. Flynn doesn’t own a cat.
House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes has had it with Democrats interfering with his committee’s investigation into Russian hacking. Nunes told thefloydspin this morning he is calling for a committee to investigate his investigation.
“Democrats have a lot to answer for and I’m calling for a Select House Intelligence Team to make sure they are held to account. It’ll be like the Benghazi Committee Committee or the Benghazi Committee Committee Committee, which were charged with investigating the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi and the Benghazi Committee Committee’s investigation of the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi, respectively. All of those committees did a bang-up job and it’s that kind of investigative zeal we need to get to the bottom of Democratic interference in the House Intelligence Committee’s efforts to scrub the Russian poop off Donald Trump’s big beautiful behind.”
Asked about his own interference in his committee’s work, the Congressman pointed a finger at himself, sort of.
“Absolutely, the American people want to know why Democrats are allowing me to cancel hearing after hearing and go behind the committee’s back to brief the president on classified material I got from the president. The Select House Intelligence Team is the only way to get to the bottom of the Democrats efforts to allow me to sabotage the work of this committee. Hopefully, I’ll be in charge of the S.H.I.T. You know I’m really good at that kind of stuff.”
Full steam ahead. Congressman Devin Nunes, chair of the tragically mis-named House Intelligence Committee is moving forward with his head scratching strategy for leading the Committee’s investigation into Russian meddling in the 2016 U.S. elections. Nunes told reporters today he will go wherever the facts lead, as long as they don’t lead to the White House.
“Let me begin by saying I remain committed to knowing everything there is to know about these baseless, bogus accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. Now, the good news. The investigation is done. Finally! After the shocking cancellation of two Intelligence Committee hearings this week – which I promise I will find out why I did that – I and my fellow Republicans feel we have ignored enough evidence to know everything there is to know about these bogus, baseless accusations of collusion between the Trump campaign and Russia. It turns out these baseless, bogus accusations are both bogus and baseless. Also bogus.”
Nunes was asked whether he intends to provide documents to back up his claim.
“Yes, but it might take a while. I type like twelve words a minute.”