Ron Felker can’t make up his mind. The 24 year-old undecided voter from Raleigh, North Carolina told thefloyspin he watched the first six minutes of the presidential debate Monday night and came away more confused than ever.
“Both candidates had a lot to say about the economy and foreign policy and stuff, but I didn’t hear what I needed to hear. Nobody talked about what matters to me. I want to know how I’ll get paid big bucks to go to college for free. I want to know which candidate is going to fix up my parents’ basement with a juke box, a big screen TV and a fully stocked bar. I want to know if there will be a sweet job waiting for me before I risk it all by filling out an application online. And nobody even mentioned Beyoncé. What’s with that?”
Like many millennials, Felker supported Bernie Sanders in the Democratic primary. Now he says the excitement he felt for Sanders isn’t there for either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump.
“Bernie’s the man. When that little bird landed on his podium and he patted it on the head, I said whoa, this guy’s awesome. He gets me. I’ve been thinking about getting a bird ever since. It’s a big step, though. What kind of cheese do birds like on their pizza?”
Bernie Sanders did a complete about face today when he withdrew his recent endorsement of Imaginary Hillary Clinton in order to endorse Real Hillary Clinton. Sanders yelled his announcement while gnawing on the leg of a 14 pound turkey he roasted on a hot plate.
“Delicious! Nothing like a hot-plate-roasted turkey leg to make a man feel late middle-aged again! Listen up! I’m breaking all the rules! I’m doing a complete one-eighty! I’m flipping a big fat u-ey! Why did I switch my endorsement from Imaginary Hillary to Real Hillary?! I can’t believe I just asked such a stupid question! Imaginary Hillary doesn’t stand a chance! She slurps her soup! She wears an eye patch and plays the accordion! She’s a habitual alphabetizer!”
Sanders argued that Real Hillary Clinton has earned his endorsement.
“The woman caved! She caved on the $15 dollar minimum wage, free college and universal health care! I’m in her head! Five bucks and half a turkey leg says she looks in the mirror tomorrow morning and sees me staring back at her! BOO!!! But scaring the pee out of the next President of the United States is small potatoes after she stole the nomination from me fair and square! So that’s it, I give up! All I can do now is encourage everyone to join me in enthusiastically settling! Hillary 2016! I hate myself!”
Bernie Sanders has finally endorsed Hillary Clinton. Sort of. Taking his cue from Republican leaders who recently endorsed Imaginary Donald Trump, Sanders announced this morning that he is supporting Imaginary Hillary Clinton for president.
“I’m proud to yell to you today that I stand with Imaginary Hillary Clinton! America needs the kind of leadership Imaginary Hillary Clinton will provide! Imaginary Hillary Clinton is an honest, principled, old Jewish man who doesn’t even know how to open a classified email, much less send one! She can roast a 14 pound turkey on a hot plate, she owns two pairs of boxer shorts and she can’t wait to make college tuition free, not only for kids, but for their pets, too! Imagine an America where cats and dogs have degrees in Chemistry, English Literature, Physics! On second thought, maybe not Physics! Never trust a cat with a laser! Cats are insane! They’re nuts!”
Sanders had a thoughtful answer for anyone concerned that his endorsement of Imaginary Hillary might hurt Real Hillary’s chances in November.
“That’s the point! Reality is not my strong suit! Who wants turkey?!!”
The elation felt by NASA scientists when the Juno spacecraft settled into orbit around Jupiter was tempered late last night by a puzzling message from the probe. At 11:47 p.m. EDT (GST-4) flight controllers at Pasadena, California’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory received a data packet with a startling message: “Greetings from Jupiter! Clinton sucks! Bernie 2016!”
Scott Bolton, Juno’s principal investigator, attempted to explain the spacecraft’s odd behavior.
“We chalk it up to radiation. Jupiter emits the equivalent of a million dental x-rays ever day, so it’s no surprise Juno’s gone a little batty. Who wants to go to the dentist a million times every single day? I mean even if you don’t have a co-pay, it’s still pretty inconvenient. Not to mention, it’s the dentist.”
Bolton was confident that instructions radioed up to Juno’s onboard computer would fix the glitch.
“We’ve addressed it. We told Juno that supporting Bernie Sanders doesn’t mean it’s okay to pout like a Martian rover now that Hillary Clinton has the nomination sewed up. Juno is now in a 53.5 day polar orbit around Jupiter and is closing in on endorsing Hillary.”
Update: At press time, JPL reported receiving a response from Juno: “Kiss my ass! Trump 2016!”
Speaking to reporters via Skype, Bolton was visibly upset by the latest message.
“There must be more radiation than we thought. Technically, Juno doesn’t even have an ass.”
Bernie Sanders announced this week that he will go through 37 stages of grief on his way to accepting his defeat by Hillary Clinton in the Democratic Presidential primary. In an interview that aired on C-SPAN so as to attract as little attention as possible, the Vermont Senator yelled how he expects to come to terms with his heartbreaking loss.
“It doesn’t appear that I’m going to be the nominee, which pisses me off! Now I have to deal with these 37 stages! It’s a process! But at the end of the day, I expect the Democratic party to rally around our nominee, whose name I look forward to saying without involuntarily twitching! Does somebody have a paper bag? I think I’m hyperventilating!”
Sanders went on to list a few of the 37 stages.
“Anger! Denial! More anger! Bargaining! Depression! Itching! More anger! What is that, twelve? Spitting! Running as a third party candidate! Ironing my pants! Again with the denial! A hot bath! Pretending I’m a coffee can full of walnuts! Blaming Canada! Shopping! Yelling! More anger! Waxing! Building half a sun deck! Light trimming! Reincarnation! Disgust! And finally, putting a potato in the dishwasher!”
Asked if losing the nomination was akin to losing a loved one, Sanders paused for a moment of quiet introspection.
Cindy Shapiro, a 13 year-old girl from San Luis Obispo, California, today joined the growing number of people who refuse to be considered for the vice-presidential spot on the Republican ticket alongside Donald Trump. Shapiro made it clear that, while she was flattered to be on Trump’s short list, she has other priorities.
“I’m glad Mr. Trump thought of me, but I don’t think I could help him win anyway. Maybe if I didn’t have braces and stuff. But even still, who picks a teenager, no matter how mature she is for her age? Also, I’m a freshman now and I’m focused on jayvee cheerleader tryouts. If I’m campaigning all around the country, going to fundraisers, talking to a bunch of white grown-ups, it’s going to be super hard to learn dance routines. Go Tigers!”
The Trump campaign took the news in stride.
“Cindy is an outstanding young lady with a bright future ahead of her. We’re sorry to lose her talents but we are confident one of Mr. Trump’s second tier candidates, be it Newt Gingrich or Chris Christie or someone else with a pulse, will be desperate enough to take the job. We wish Miss Shapiro success in high school and look forward to offering her a cabinet spot in the Trump Administration. We hope to have Cindy’s vote on November 5th.”
Informed of Trump’s continued interest in her, Shapiro did her best to slam the door shut.
“Does he even know I’m too young to vote? And even if I could, I’d vote for somebody who understands me. Maybe Bernie or Beyonce, but not a creepy old man who picks a teenager for vice-president. Besides, even I know the election is November 8th. Loser!”
Bernie Sanders says he deserves to win the Democratic Party’s nomination because people who voted for Hillary Clinton were just kidding when they cast their ballots. Yelling at an event in Visalia, California, Sanders told supporters if people had known their votes would actually count they would have voted for him.
“These were sarcastic votes, plain and simple! I get it, too! It is sort of funny to vote for Secretary Clinton! As a matter of fact, I’ll let you in on a little secret: when I voted in my home state of Vermont, I voted for Hillary! Why not?! But now I’m told Secretary Clinton has millions more votes than me! WTF! I appreciate a good joke as much as the next guy, but this has gotten out of hand! Am I the only one who understands a sarcastic vote for Hillary Clinton is really a sincere vote for Bernie Sanders?!”
Riffing on one of his campaign’s main themes, Sanders criticized superdelegates for missing the obvious.
“Look, when you combine her sarcastic votes with my sincere votes I win this thing in a landslide! The superdelegates need to wake up to the fact that the sarcastic people of this country prefer the status quo, and by that I mean they’re desperate for a revolution! When they say they want an even keeled, experienced, intelligent woman for president, they’re really saying they want an angry, left-wing, socialist-democrat man! That’s how sarcasm works!”
When she was told of Sanders’ remarks, Hillary Clinton issued a brief statement.