Trump Refuses to Release Democrats’ Wordy Memo

Actual Photo of Devin Nunes Not Reading Something

White House spokesman Devin Nunes confirmed today that “President” Trump will not release the 10 page memo produced by Democrats on the House Intelligence Committee because it consists of too many words. Appearing on Fox and Friends, Nunes went on to say that Trump might consider releasing the memo at some future date if Democrats agreed to “edit out the words.”

Nunes admitted that neither he nor the President has read the memo. “It’s all about plausible recusability. If I read the memo I’d have to read all memos and I’ve recused myself from reading because, um, I’m Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee so, you know, um, intelligence… I mean… crap, I lost my train of thought… who was talking just now?”

Nunes tried to change the subject. “The President hasn’t read the memo either, but he has given me a statement to read that says something. That is, I think the President’s statement says something. I can’t be sure because I’m not going to read it because I can’t read it without reading it. Government is hard.”

Republicans Pass Trumpcare without Reading the Bill

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Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Wearing a Pink Tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin Mini Mall Parking Lot

Citing a need for “plausible deniability,” Republicans in the House of Representatives are defending their vote to repeal and replace Obamacare without actually reading the bill. Thefloydspin spoke with House speaker Paul Ryan about the controversial strategy.

“Look, for the last seven years Republicans have campaigned on repeal and replace, not repeal and improve. Now maybe millions will lose their healthcare, and perhaps thousands will die, and it’s possible rich people will get a massive tax cut. That could all be true but, since we didn’t read the bill, we can’t be held responsible. Besides, if we spent a ton of time reading that bill we wouldn’t have time to do a tax reform package that will potentially reward the rich, possibly screw poor people and maybe blow up the deficit, which it may or may not do. Who knows? Not Republicans. We’re definitely not going to read that one either.”

Ryan is confident the strategy poses little risk for Republicans in the upcoming midterm elections.

“If voters paid any attention at all we’d be facing disaster in 2018. But what are the odds of that happening? I mean, look at how many people read thefloydspin? This article you’re writing, I’m not going to read it. I assume it will consist of fake quotes about politics, my drug habit and the embarrassing picture of me wearing a pink tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin mini mall parking lot. And make no mistake, all that is fine with me, as long as you don’t mention how hard Republicans are screwing America.”

Paul Ryan Announces Obamacare Replacement Plan: CarrotsandStickcare

Actual Photo of a Stick

Republicans in Congress have hit upon the perfect replacement plan for Obamacare. House Speaker Paul Ryan told thefloydspin the new plan is guaranteed to succeed because it contains the right balance of carrots and sticks.

“Look, the naysayers said it would be impossible to replace Obamacare without millions losing coverage or premiums going up or quality of care going down. Well, Republicans refused to listen to the doom and gloom crowd. We rolled up our sleeves and crafted a better way. We call it CarrotsandStickcare and the greatest thing about it is its simplicity. Whereas Obamacare consists of 70 billion pages of rules and regulations, CarrotsandStickcare fits on a 3 x 5 index card. It doesn’t take a genius to understand how it works. Every American gets a burlap bag full of carrots and a stick. Then we sit back and let the free market sort things out.”

Speaker Ryan’s explanation of the free market component of CarrotsandStickcare was refreshingly candid.

“They say the devil is in the details. That’s the beauty of CarrotsandStickcare; there are no details. We give everybody carrots and they get to choose for themselves whether they eat the carrots and remain healthy or they let the carrots rot, which is where the stick comes in. If a healthy, carrot eating citizen sees some diseased slob lying around letting his carrots rot, he gets to play whack-a-sickie with his government provided stick. Of course, technically, no one is required to whack anybody, because that would be a mandate and Republicans don’t believe in mandates. On the other hand, who’s going to pass up the chance to whack somebody with a stick?”

Asked whether Republicans have a plan B, in case CarrotsandStickcare doesn’t fly with the American people, Ryan mood turned somber.

“Yeah, BareBonescare. The name says it all.”

Trey Gowdy Can’t Get Enough of Hillary

Actual Photo of Hillary Clinton After She Heard Trey Gowdy Is Looking for Another Beatdown

Republican Congressman Trey Gowdy is like the jilted lover Hillary Clinton can’t seem to shake – he’ll do anything to probe her one more time. Citing emails made public yesterday by Wikileaks, Gowdy, Chairman of the House Benghazi Committee, the House Benghazi Committee Committee and the House Benghazi Committee Committee Committee, is calling for an investigation into what he calls more of Clinton’s pay for play approach to doing business. The emails in question point to a tentative agreement to meet with a wealthy donor who gave $110,000 dollars to the Clinton Foundation, one Donald J. Trump. Gowdy told thefloydspin the latest batch of Clinton emails represents a smoking gun that cannot be ignored.

“She’s planning to meet with Trump at three so called ‘presidential debates,’ to discuss policy issues. If that’s not pay for play, I don’t know what is. And what’s worse, she’s going to do the whole thing on TV, with ‘moderators’ asking actual policy questions of herself and Mr. Trump. But that’s where this whole charade falls apart. Everybody knows Donald Trump doesn’t do policy. He’s a man of the people, old white male people and other people he doesn’t care about who’ve got nothing to lose. If he were a policy guy he’d do what we do in Congress, study up and, you know, read, or at least fake an interest, that sort of thing.”

Asked about the failures of past investigations by the Benghazi Committee, the Benghazi Committee Committee and the Benghazi Committee Committee Committee to find wrongdoing by Clinton, Gowdy took the long view.

“In Washington we have a saying. ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you again. Fool me three times, you really should be ashamed of yourself. But if you fool me four times…’  I forget the rest. It’s kind of a long saying.”

House Republicans Miffed at Democrats’ Sit-in

Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Contemplating Tang

Democrats on the floor of the House of Representatives have angered Republicans by interrupting critically important government business to stage a sit-in protesting the lack of legislative action on gun control. House Speaker Paul Ryan was visibly upset when thefloydspin‘s Washington, D.C. Bureau Chief interrupted him as he was pretending not to hear a question from another reporter about his support for Donald Trump.

“Look, the American people need to understand that obstructionist democrats are keeping the House from voting on a whole litany of bills that would make real differences in real people’s lives. This sit-in reeks of the same kind of cheap political theater that went on in the 60’s during the so-called ‘civil rights’ movement, and look where that ended up.”

Ryan rattled off numerous important pieces of legislation currently before the House.

“Thanks to this silly obsession democrats have with guns, the people’s House won’t get to vote on naming the new Post Office in Wakashaw, Arizona, or on giving Congress a raise, or on making pudding the national pudding. And most importantly, we won’t get to vote on creating a Benghazi Committee Committee Committee to investigate the Benghazi Committee Committee’s investigation of the Benghazi Committee’s investigation of Benghazi. Democrats should be ashamed of themselves.”

McConnell: Blame Obama for Gridlock

Actual Photo of Mitch McConnell Doing Jazz Hand

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell made a shocking revelation today when he told Bill O’Reilly that Republicans in Congress have spent the last seven years blocking President Obama’s agenda because Obama is “out of touch with racists.”

Appearing on Fox News’ The O’Reilly Factor, McConnell argued that Obama is to blame for Washington gridlock. “If the president reached out to those who hate him for the color of his skin maybe we could get some things done around here.”

When O’Reilly asked how the president could reach out to racists, the Kentucky senator pointed to his own constituents. “A lot of Republicans in my state are racists and every one of them would love it if the president admitted, ‘You’re right, I’m a card carrying Kenyan communist and I want to destroy your way of life. Sorry, I resign.’ How hard would that be?”

 McConnell then suggested another group the president should embrace. “Climate deniers. They’re willing to compromise but the president refuses to listen to them. And a lot of them are racists too, so bringing them on board would be doubly good for the president.”

McConnell went on to outline his plan for working with the president to solve climate change. “The cleaner the air the more sunlight hits the ground so let’s start browning the air. Let’s burn more coal, leave our lawnmowers running, go around lighting things on fire: old tires, liberals, government buildings, liberals, that sort of thing. This is the same common sense stuff the people of Kentucky do for fun. Working together we can solve this. But try telling Obama that.”

Paul Ryan: Guns Don’t Kill People, Terrorists with Innocent Guns Kill People

Actual Photo of an Innocent Gun

House Speaker Paul Ryan (NRA-Wi) made it clear today that guns shouldn’t be blamed when terrorists use guns. In an effort to push back against legislation to prevent someone on the terrorist watch list from purchasing a semi-automatic rifle, Ryan made it clear where Republicans stand on the issue.

“Look, I draw a straight line from a terrorist’s hateful ideology to his trigger finger, then the line sort of curves around whatever perfectly legal semi-automatic weapon he is using, and then it goes straight again, right to his innocent victims. Do you see what I did there? The guns terrorists use to shoot people are innocent, just like the innocent people being shot by terrorists with innocent guns. Honestly, I don’t understand why the vast majority of Americans don’t understand this.”

Ryan scolded Democrats for not joining Republicans in their moments of silence in the wake of violent acts like the one perpetrated against a gay nightclub in Orlando last weekend.

“It saddens me that Democrats refuse to work with us as we sit quietly and do nothing to honor the victims. But that won’t stop us. We’re going to sit quietly and do nothing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, even if nothing ever comes of it. We owe it to the victims and their families.”