White House Secret Service agents had to revive Sarah Palin yesterday, moments after Palin had posed for a picture in the Oval Office with “President” Trump. According to a senior administration source, Palin passed out when she mistook a portrait of former first lady Hillary Clinton for a mirror.
“Palin was hanging out with Ted Nugent and Kid Rock, comparing tattoos and joking about Armageddon, when she stopped in front of the Clinton portrait, mumbled something about ‘Mirror, mirror on the wall…’, and the next thing you know, she let out a little whimper and collapsed. I’m pretty sure she peed her pants. Well, there she was, drooling on the carpet, when Ted Nugent rushed over to give her mouth to mouth, only he missed her mouth by a country mile, if you know what I mean.”
Luckily the Secret Service was taking a break from guarding the leader of the free world.
“A couple of agents posing for selfies with Kid Rock quickly put on latex gloves and pried Nugent off Palin. They resuscitated her using standard Secret Service procedure, an emergency shot of bourbon and a taser chaser. Palin came to with a start, shouting, ‘I’m pretty, Todd! I’m pretty! Oh God, tell me I’m pretty!’ The whole incident was weird and super scary. I guess Mrs. Palin really really wants to be the fairest of them all.”
The Trump train has gotten off to a rocky start, but “President” Trump’s loyal supporters remain all aboard. That’s what thefloydspin learned recently when we used a bait and switch scheme to convene a focus group of Trump voters in swing state Michigan. The voters, all residents of Michigan’s upper peninsula, responded to a bogus ad in The Escanaba Daily Press calling for volunteers to monitor a local donut shop being used by Hillary Clinton to launder money from her Bolivian cocaine ring and her mail order human eyeball trafficking operation. After thefloydspin apologized to Marge Court, Jeff Pellum and Jimmer Wittman, we bought them donuts and asked them how they feel Trump is doing.
Marge: Ya know, that’s a good donut! Is there something special in that donut cause that’s a good donut! Whoo hoo! Who wants to get laid?!
Jeff: Easy, Marge. Hands to yourself. Trump? He’s doing fine. He just needs to remember folks like me voted for him because he’ll shake up Washington and because he’s a man, not a female woman like Hillary. Hillary is a female woman. What is in these donuts? Whoo hoo! Say Marge, did anybody ever tell you you’ve got yourself a couple of nice donuts?
Jimmer: Damn right I support President Trump! He got us out of Iraq. He solved the financial crisis and got the economy rolling again. He brought us healthcare for everybody. And also he got Bin Laden, all in the first 100 days. Obama was in there for eight years. How come he couldn’t get any of that stuff done? God bless President Trump! More donuts!
Attorney General Jeff Sessions can’t understand what all the fuss is about. Sessions, who is under fire for lying during his senate confirmation hearing about meetings he had with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak, tells thefloydspin he met with Kislyak not as Jeff Sessions but as Barbarella, the sexy space hottie played by Jane Fonda in the movie of the same name.
“Folks are upset because they think it was Trump Adviser Jeff Sessions or Senator Jeff Sessions who met with the Russian Ambassador. Nothing could be further from the truth! When we met I was Barbarella. You can ask Sergey. I was dressed in a sexy space boustierre with a see through breast window to show off my boobs. I’ll tell you, I never thought my saggy old man breasts could be sexy until I saw the tent Sergey pitched in his pants when we were talking about Vladimir Putin’s efforts to sabotage Hillary Clinton’s campaign! Just thinking about it makes me blush!”
Sessions confirmed that to avoid the appearance of impropriety, he will recuse himself from the investigation into the Trump campaign’s contacts with Russian officials.
“Attorney General Jeff Sessions won’t be involved in the investigation, but Barbarella pledges to get to the bottom of this whole naughty affair!”
Vladimir Putin revealed today that he is Donald Trump’s Secret Santa. In an exclusive interview with thefloydspin, the Russian President complained about how hard it is to get something for a man who has everything.
“I find out in July from Top Secret CIA document I accidentally find in junk mail that I am Secret Santa for Donald. Well, at first I think is difficult to get something special for him. After all, Donald is billionaire tycoon with hot wife and plenty of all things money can steal. But then I think what does Donald want most of all things? Of course! I make him President! Also I give nice pair of wool socks, in case first gift sucks.”
Putin seemed unperturbed by the President elect’s steadfast refusal to believe Russian hacks into Hillary Clinton’s campaign emails were meant to tip the election in his favor.
“Is fine. I know Donald will show appreciation. I think maybe he give me plenty of no more sanctions and also withdrawl of few thousand troops from Europe followed by Amazon gift card. Then we call it even. Is fair trade, no? Warm socks for Donald, cool puppet for me!”
Donald Trump thinks it’s better to give than receive. A senior source inside Trumpsition reports that when the President elect takes office, he will tweak the presidential daily intelligence briefings to better fit his style. Beginning on day one of his presidency, Trump will flip the script by briefing the heads of the FBI, the CIA and the NSA to make sure they’ve been briefed on everything he wants them to brief him on after he’s done briefing them. The source told thefloydspin President Trump will be all about efficiency.
“America can rest easy knowing Beloved Leader elect has figured out the fastest way to get the critical intelligence he wants while avoiding the clutter of data, facts and complicated assessments. For example, let’s say the intelligence community has hard evidence Vladimir Putin interfered with the election. Who cares? But what if Wise Leader elect briefs the CIA with intelligence that proves Vladimir Putin is a nice guy who is kind to children and likes cat videos and long walks on the beach? That’s the kind of thing the CIA needs to know. Otherwise, how can they be expected to repeat it back to Benevolent Leader elect?”
Thefloydspin’s attempt to reach out to the intelligence community for comment was met with silence – with one puzzling exception. FBI Director James Comey had this to say:
“I’ve just been briefed by Exceptional Leader elect Trump that Hillary Clinton’s private email server contains secret plans to blow up give Texas to Canada for Christmas, replace all regular spoons with soup spoons and abolish gravity. Thank God she lost the election in a mudslide!”
FBI director James Comey can’t help himself. In an unprecedented series of election day stunners this morning, Comey sent Congress 5 letters relating to the on again, off again probe into Hillary Clinton’s emails. Following are excerpts from all five letters.
1. 11/8/2016 7:14 A.M. Dear Congress, I’m writing to inform you of new evidence that will definitely result in criminal charges against Hillary Clinton. Boy is she in trouble! I’ve discovered a cache of emails containing nuclear secrets sent from Secretary Clinton’s private server to a stripper named Kelli Smoke in Santa Barbara, California.”
2. 11/8/16 7:22 A.M. Dear Congress, my bad! They turned out to be secret recipes for banana cream pie and crock pot chili sent to Chelsea Clinton. That’s the next to last time I trust a Breitbart story! On the other hand, be advised that while the email investigation is officially closed, I’m opening a brand new investigation. Who puts broccoli in their chili?!?!
3. 11/8/16 7:52 A.M. Hold up, Congress! The recipegate investigation has yielded a trove of evidence potentially devastating to Secretary Clinton. I’ve received information that only two kinds of people put broccoli in their chili: communist spies and people who really like broccoli. Stay tuned!
4. 11/8/16 7:59 A.M. Hey, Congress. Um, I just checked and I guess Hillary really likes broccoli. That sure came out of left field! Anyway, looks like she’s in the clear. But I am looking into her recipe for banana cream pie, which may contain subversive bananas. This may be pertinent to the previously closed but now maybe reopened email investigation. Fingers are crossed!
5. 11/8/16 8:02 A.M. Hi again, Congress. Okay, this whole banana cream pie thing has gotten way out of hand! Let me state unequivocally, the bananas in Hillary Clinton’s banana cream pie recipe, while they may violate the spirit of federal statutes, do not, strictly speaking, break the law. She’s so sneaky! Anyway, TTFN! Who else can’t wait to for this election to be over? CRAZY!!!
It is written, in ink. Darrell Issa, the California Republican Congressman who is fighting to hold his seat after years spent obstructing President Obama’s agenda, now claims he will work hand in hand with Hillary Clinton if she’s elected president. And to prove he’s serious, Issa dropped his pants this morning to show the press his brand new “I’m With Her” tattoo. The tattoo, which covers most of Issa’s left buttock, depicts the Clinton campaign logo crammed into the outline of a heart. Issa told skeptical reporters his love for Clinton is true and enduring.
“Don’t be shy, come closer. Look at that beauty! Don’t worry, it won’t bite. Take all the pictures you want. It’s important for voters to know the depth of my feelings for Hillary. I call her Hillary because we’re on a first name basis and her first name is Hillary. We connect on a deeply personal level. In fact, I find Hillary extremely attractive. And I’m not just talking about her big beautiful brain!”
Issa drove his point home with a disturbing demonstration.
“Hey, watch what happens when I flex! It’s like my heart is beating for Hillary, only it’s my ass!”