Pence Accuses Raddatz of Quoting Him

Actual Photo of Mike Pence Not Saying What He’s Saying

Mike Pence won’t stand idly by while Martha Raddatz accurately quotes him. When Raddatz – who co-moderated last night’s presidential debate along with Anderson Cooper – quoted Pence’s statement from last week’s vice-presidential debate asserting a Trump administration would use military force to confront Russian aggression in Syria, Donald Trump said Pence was wrong, thus opening a foreign policy rift between the nominee and his running mate. Speaking both on and off the record simultaneously, Pence took Raddatz to task for saying he said something he said.

“How dare Martha Raddatz quote what I said! This is another example of the liberal media saying I said something I said when clearly I didn’t say what I said, especially if I said it. And for them to say Donald Trump said he disagrees with something I said, whether he or I said what he or I did or didn’t say, well that says to me this is a ‘he said, she said he said’ situation, but if you quote me on that I’ll say you didn’t say I said what you said I said, whether you said I said it or not. Do you see what I’m saying?”

Informed of Pence’s statement, a Trump campaign spokesman offered a committed non-committal response.

“You don’t say!”

Trump Challenges Pence to a Debate

Actual Photo of Mike Pence Touching Jeff Sessions Appropriately

Donald Trump won’t take this lying down. The Republican standard bearer is upset with comparisons between Mike Pence’s debate performance Tuesday night and the disastrous showing Trump had against Hillary Clinton in their first debate. Trump told thefloydspin  he wants to settle the question of who is the better debater once and for all.

“Mike Pence, such a lightweight, no way he wins face to face with, and by the way who told him he could debate in the first, and I didn’t say, I didn’t, in writing say he, and that’s not, I mean okay he made a couple of good, which, you know, which but which but which but, so if Mike Pence really thinks he’s you know, he better, you know, which many many many many people are saying I won the Vice Presidential and I wasn’t even, so I Donald J. Trump formally challenge Mike Pence to a you know, which I will win and which maybe I take this off my taxes which but which, by the way, but.”

When thefloydspin asked Pence if he thought it wise of Trump to challenge him, Pence deployed the same tactic he used successfully against Tim Kaine Tuesday night.

“Donald Trump didn’t say that.”



Pence: Trump Never Said That Stuff He Said

Actual Photo of Mike Pence Truthing Through His Teeth

Mike Pence offered up a vigorous defense of Donald Trump at Tuesday’s Vice Presidential debate by making sure everyone knows Donald Trump didn’t say all that stuff he said. One exchange between Pence and Tim Kaine highlighted the terrific job Pence did.

Kaine: Last week, Donald Trump said-

Pence: Donald Trump never said that.

Kaine: He said-

Pence: Nope.

Kaine: In a 3 a.m. tweet, he said-

Pence: Donald Trump doesn’t tweet.

Kaine: But he did say-

Pence: Donald Trump doesn’t “say” things. He speaks from the heart, not the mouth.

Kaine: Wow.

Pence: He didn’t say that either.

Kaine: You’re right, I said that.

Pence: No you didn’t. And I have to say I’m sick and tired of your insult driven campaign. America deserves better.

Kaine: Wow!

Pence: Stop not saying that.


ISIS Names Gingrich Honorary Terrorist

Actual Photo of Newt Gingrich Giving Away a Test Answer

On the heels of his call for testing and deportation of Muslim Americans who believe in sharia law, Newt Gingrich has been named an honorary terrorist by ISIS. The extremist group, which is not known for doling out awards to people who are still in one piece, said in a statement written on a piece of unexploded ordinance and dropped off at thefloydspin’s Bagdad Bureau that they wanted to show appreciation for Gingrich’s unique contribution to their cause.

“You cannot purchase this kind of publicity! A million thank-you’s to our best mortal frenemy Newt Gingrich for his help with the recruiting. Now our call for jihad against the white infidel will have a new name and that new name will have a new face and that new face will have a new sneer and that new sneer will be on Newt Gingrich’s smiling, sneering face.”

Gingrich wasn’t the only person ISIS considered for the award.

“We wish to inform Donald Trump, who himself was once worthy of our congrats, that he was very close to winning today. But we have large hopes that he and Mike Pence can also help with recruitment when Donald Trump triumphs in November. TrumPence 2016! Fingers are crossed!”