Sean Spicer: Trump to Make America Even Safer by Banning the Truth

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Actual Photo of the Secret Trump Handshake

“President” Trump never met an executive order he didn’t like. In a dramatic expansion of his executive order on immigration, Trump will now ban all truthful statements, scientific facts and differing opinions from entering the United States. Press secretary Sean Spicer told thefloydspin the move is designed to keep America safe.

“Look, the only way we make it through these dangerous times is if we all shut up, pull together, shut up, do what we’re told and shut up. It’s easy. The Germans did it. And look at the Republican leadership in Congress. A couple of months ago they were all convinced Donald Trump was a racist, fascist demagogue. Now, they act like he’s the greatest thing since sliced white bread. Did Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell suddenly change their minds? Please! They just realized that after Donald Trump’s 25 million vote victory, the truth isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. America doesn’t want the truth. America wants a Great Leader who will lead America to greatness. As sure as my initials are SS, that leader is Donald Trump!”

Spicer hinted at even further expansion of Trump’s ban.

“Watch out, California, we’ve got our eye on you!”

Mitch McConnell: Thanks Obama!

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Actual Photo of Mitch McConnell Hoping to Catch a Foul Ball

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is blaming President Obama for Congress’ passage of a bill that could put Americans on foreign soil in legal jeopardy. McConnell says responsibility for the 9/11 Victims Bill, which Congress overcame a presidential veto to pass, falls squarely on the shoulders of the President.

“He should have told us we were making a big mistake. Once again, this president has stood by and watched while Congress has done something stupid. The sad part is this could have been avoided if the president had told us about the unintended consequences of this bill last week when he told us about the unintended consequences of this bill.”

McConnell said public statements the president and members of his Administration made prior to the bill’s passage were part of a larger pattern.

“The time we almost shut down the government. Those meaningless Obamacare repeal votes. That time we shut down the government. Whenever we do something stupid he warns us not to do it and we wind up doing it anyway. They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. You’d think he’d learn.”

Republican Leadership Stricken by Trumpnesia

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Actual Photo of a Human Brain Afflicted by Trumpnesia

Donald who? That’s the question being asked by House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, both of whom have been stricken with severe Trumpnesia, the debilitating brain disorder that causes victims to forget the name of the knucklehead who is using Twitter to attack Khizr Khan, the father of an Iraq War hero. In separate statements, the two men displayed the classic symptoms of Trumpnesia.

Paul Ryan: “Look, whoever it was that tweeted mean-spirited, childish abuse directed at Mr. Khan should be ashamed of himself, if indeed someone did that, which, who knows, maybe it never happened, but if it did happen, while that would be very bad I would never read that tweet which we have already established may or may not have happened, so I wouldn’t be in a position to comment, though if I had read it, I would certainly be upset that someone who’s name I forgot would have tweeted such an unforgettably unpatriotic tweet which I want to state unequivocally, I have totally forgotten. Benghazi Benghazi Benghazi.”

Mitch McConnell: “What’s a tweet? Doesn’t matter. What matters is that Mr. Khan’s sacrifice, much like the sacrifice of a person who hires thousands of people, must be honored by all of us, except for someone who hired thousands of people which, when you think about it, is a gigantic sacrifice in the sense that it isn’t, which is not to say it’s not at all okay to not attack Mr. Khan, as long as we all remember to forget who attacked Mr. Khan, which I have already done, because that’s what leaders do. Benghazi.”

Medical experts fear Ryan and McConnell may continue to suffer the effects of Trumpnesia until the morning of November 9th. After that, they’ll have to deal with the disease’s after-effects, lingering self-loathing and double testicular absenteeism.

Mitch McConnell Bitten by Mosquito, Zika Funding Passes

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Actual Photo of a Mosquito Making a Difference in Someone’s Life

Mitch McConnell called the Senate back from summer break and into emergency session this morning to fund the Center for Disease Control’s efforts to fight the Zika virus after the Senate Majority Leader discovered a mosquito bite on his nose. McConnell’s surprise move, which came at a time when partisan bickering has kept Congress from taking the necessary steps to prevent the virus from gaining a foothold in the U.S., reinforced the narrative that politicians are big, fat, out of touch wusses. Speaking to reporters from behind a mosquito net, McConnell blamed the President.

“Thanks, Obama! If the President had done as Republicans asked and called in airstrikes on South American swamps to stem the flow of illegal mosquitoes crossing the border, there wouldn’t be an itchy bump on my nose right now. This is another example of a feckless president ignoring the flood of illegal mosquito immigration. Some of these mosquitoes are criminals, some are rapists and, sure, some are good mosquitoes, but we can’t afford to take that chance. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to give an inspirational speech on the floor of the Senate praising myself for bravely letting fear force me to do the right thing.”

McConnell, who took elaborate steps last week to get out of going to The Republican National Convention, paused to lament the timing of his mosquito mishap.

“Talk about bad luck! If this had happened a few days ago I’d be walking around with two healthy kidneys right now!”

 

 

Republicans Undergo Root Canals to Get out of Attending Convention

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Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Avoiding Cleveland

These days, it seems nobody wants to go to Cleveland. Desperate to avoid being seen anywhere near Donald Trump, Republican power players can’t be blamed for looking for any excuse to stay away from their party’s convention in Cleveland next week. Sadly, the excuse some have settled on is a doozy. Oral surgeons from  Mississippi to Wisconsin are reporting an uptick in elective root canals among party notables. Dr. Stuart Schell told thefloydspin his office on the outskirts of Green Bay got a surprise visitor yesterday.

“I’ve never seen anything like it. Paul Ryan came into my office begging me to perform a root canal on a perfectly good bi-rooted first bicuspid. I asked him why and he said he figured a root canal on that tooth would take him out of action for 7-10 days. You have to give him credit, the man does his homework. Anyway, when I told him I have an ethical problem with unnecessary oral surgery he began to sob uncontrollably. What could I do? I had the Speaker of the House crying his eyes out in my waiting room. It’s terrifying to think a man could be driven to such extremes. On the other hand, he did pay cash.”

Paul Ryan isn’t the only Republican who finds himself in a pickle these days. Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell was spotted in the hallway outside his office this morning sporting a cast on his left arm and a swollen face. McConnell explained to reporters that the arm had been caught between a rock and a hard place and his swollen face was “just to be on the safe side.” When a reporter asked McConnell whether he would be in Cleveland next week, the Senator shrugged.

“I’d give a kidney to be there, if I hadn’t already lost it in a tragic boating accident tomorrow.”

Republicans Endorse Imaginary Donald Trump

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Actual Photo of Imaginary Donald Trump

Despite the fact that Donald Trump has been their presumptive nominee for several weeks, republican leaders have been reluctant to endorse him or anyone else for president. Not anymore. Republicans have finally settled on the man they believe should be the next leader of the free world: Imaginary Donald Trump. From Marco Rubio to Nikki Haley to Newt Gingrich, republicans of all stripes are lining up behind the man they want sitting in the Oval Office on January 20th, 2017. And for every republican backing Imaginary Donald Trump, there seems to be unique reason for doing so.

Marco Rubio: I’m one-hundred percent behind Imaginary Donald Trump. He’s got the brains, the guts and the savvy to make America imaginarily great again. More importantly, he’s doesn’t pick on short, thirsty, second generation Cuban American senators.

Paul Ryan: Look, I don’t agree with most of the stuff Real Donald Trump says, but Imaginary Donald Trump, that’s a different story. I think it’s safe to say Imaginary Donald Trump is a lot like Imaginary Mitt Romney, only more handsome.

Ted Cruz: I imagine he likes me.

Nikki Haley: Imaginary Donald Trump doesn’t have a racist bone in her imaginary body. Also, she’s one of my closest imaginary friends.

Newt Gingrich: Imagine me as Imaginary Donald Trump’s Imaginary Vice-President! Somebody young, beautiful and willing to participate in an open marriage pinch me! Lower, please.

Ben Carson: If you ask me, Imaginary Donald Trump freed the slaves, saved the Union and probably hates the theatre.

Newt Gingrich: Lower. A little lower. Yep.

Asked about the general election viability of Imaginary Donald Trump versus Real Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell summed up his party’s sentiments.

“Imaginary Donald Trump has a lot of great qualities but he comes up a little short in the existence department. On the other hand, Real Donald Trump is a real a-hole. If I have to pick, I’ll go with Historically Inaccurate Ronald Reagan. He was the greatest president this country never had.”

 

McConnell: Blame Obama for Gridlock

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Actual Photo of Mitch McConnell Doing Jazz Hand

Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell made a shocking revelation today when he told Bill O’Reilly that Republicans in Congress have spent the last seven years blocking President Obama’s agenda because Obama is “out of touch with racists.”

Appearing on Fox News’ The O’Reilly Factor, McConnell argued that Obama is to blame for Washington gridlock. “If the president reached out to those who hate him for the color of his skin maybe we could get some things done around here.”

When O’Reilly asked how the president could reach out to racists, the Kentucky senator pointed to his own constituents. “A lot of Republicans in my state are racists and every one of them would love it if the president admitted, ‘You’re right, I’m a card carrying Kenyan communist and I want to destroy your way of life. Sorry, I resign.’ How hard would that be?”

 McConnell then suggested another group the president should embrace. “Climate deniers. They’re willing to compromise but the president refuses to listen to them. And a lot of them are racists too, so bringing them on board would be doubly good for the president.”

McConnell went on to outline his plan for working with the president to solve climate change. “The cleaner the air the more sunlight hits the ground so let’s start browning the air. Let’s burn more coal, leave our lawnmowers running, go around lighting things on fire: old tires, liberals, government buildings, liberals, that sort of thing. This is the same common sense stuff the people of Kentucky do for fun. Working together we can solve this. But try telling Obama that.”