Wayne LaPierre: Only Defense Against a Bad Guy With a Gun is a Good Guy with a Bazooka

 

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Actual Photo of a Seven Eleven Shopper

Wayne LaPierre doubled down today on the NRA’s position that the solution to America’s problem with guns is guns. Speaking to reporters from inside a silencer designed to muffle the sound of reasoned discourse, Lapierre pointed out that the NRA stands for the second amendment right of every American to shoot somebody.

“The NRA believes that ninety percent of Americans are law-abiding citizens who can be trusted to do the right thing as long as they’re properly armed. It’s the other twenty-five percent who are ruining it for the rest of us. That’s why the NRA is getting behind legislation that will make it legal for Americans to own bazookas for hunting, for self-defense and for blowing shit seriously up.”

LaPierre described how an encounter with a bad guy with a gun would go in his version of America.

“Let’s say a bad guy with a gun tries to rob your local Seven Eleven. He can’t! There are five good guys armed with TA850 bazookas who came in to buy a pack of cigarettes and a box of condoms. If that bad guy even thinks about pulling his gun he’s going to end up a Rorschach test on what’s left of the wall that used to be behind the counter. ‘You wanna know what I see, doc? The goddamn Constitution, that’s what!'”

Asked if a bazooka armed citizenry might result in an even more violent America, LaPierre  was chillingly candid.

“So?”

 

Republican Convention: Hookers Out, Guns In

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Actual Photo of Frightened Balloons

Party officials planning the Republican National Convention confirmed today that firearms will be mandatory for all attendees. Convention Chairman Paul Ryan (NRA, WI) says the decision to require guns was made after hookers announced they would boycott the convention.

“Look, we’re the 2nd amendment party. It would be hypocritical of us to throw this big shindig and not invite guns. Besides, without hookers, delegates are going to need to blow off some steam. What better release than firing a few rounds into the air to celebrate our party’s nominee, whom I support wholeheartedly but whose name escapes me, though I’m pretty sure it sounds a lot like general election bloodbath.”

At least one convention goer was elated to hear the news.

“Yes! God bless Paul Ryan! I wasn’t gonna make it a week in Cleveland without hookers. Now, when they do the balloon drop, Daddy’s going semi-automatic! BLAM BLAM BLAM! Of course, the challenge is to shoot the red and blue balloons without hitting the whites. BLAM!”

Shortly after Ryan’s announcement, representatives of all the major television networks confirmed they will be covering the convention gavel to gavel, without commercial interruption. A source close to one network executive explained his boss’ thinking.

“Are you kidding me? A convention floor packed with horny, gun-toting, redneck knuckleheads? That’s great television!”

 

 

Paul Ryan: Guns Don’t Kill People, Terrorists with Innocent Guns Kill People

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Actual Photo of an Innocent Gun

House Speaker Paul Ryan (NRA-Wi) made it clear today that guns shouldn’t be blamed when terrorists use guns. In an effort to push back against legislation to prevent someone on the terrorist watch list from purchasing a semi-automatic rifle, Ryan made it clear where Republicans stand on the issue.

“Look, I draw a straight line from a terrorist’s hateful ideology to his trigger finger, then the line sort of curves around whatever perfectly legal semi-automatic weapon he is using, and then it goes straight again, right to his innocent victims. Do you see what I did there? The guns terrorists use to shoot people are innocent, just like the innocent people being shot by terrorists with innocent guns. Honestly, I don’t understand why the vast majority of Americans don’t understand this.”

Ryan scolded Democrats for not joining Republicans in their moments of silence in the wake of violent acts like the one perpetrated against a gay nightclub in Orlando last weekend.

“It saddens me that Democrats refuse to work with us as we sit quietly and do nothing to honor the victims. But that won’t stop us. We’re going to sit quietly and do nothing over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, even if nothing ever comes of it. We owe it to the victims and their families.”

Obama Sneaks into Man’s House, Takes Away His Guns

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Actual Photo of a Gun

A gun owner in Buffalo, Wyoming, was devastated this morning when he discovered that Barack Obama sneaked into his home last night and took away all his guns. In a phone interview with thefloydspin’s Midwest Bureau, Wade Clopper described how he lost not only his firepower but, in no small part, his innocence.

“I can’t believe it! I keep my babies locked up good and tight under my daughter’s mattress, but Obama found ‘em anyway! Now what am I supposed to do? I feel scared and naked, the bad kind of naked. What kind of man sneaks into another man’s castle and runs off with his killing mojo? Why couldn’t he take my Harley, or my TV, or my wife?”

The theft provoked an immediate response from second amendment advocates furious with the President. Senator Joni Ernst (NRA-IA), angrily called for Congress to look into whether the President’s brazen actions warrant impeachment hearings.

“We Republicans have been warning America for years that Obama’s after our guns. Well, it’s finally happened. Mr. Clopper is up to his sweaty groin in a vast liberal conspiracy to deny people their constitutional right to shoot other people. Now Mr. Clopper will have to shoot other people with an axe or a baseball bat. Mr. Clopper is an American, not a Canadian, and President Obama needs to pay for what he’s done to this man!”

Minutes after Senator Ernst’s statement, Clopper called thefloydspin back with good news.

“Found ‘em! The wife locked ’em all up in my gun safe. I didn’t even know I had a gun safe! I told her next time she does that I’m gonna have to get drunk and go duck hunting in the living room again. Now she won’t give me the damn key! I do not understand that woman.”

House GOP to Honor NRA with Targeted Moments of Silence

 

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Actual Photo of the Place Where Common Sense Goes to Die

In the wake of the mass shooting at an Orlando gay nightclub last weekend, House Republicans will observe targeted moments of silence to demonstrate their respect for the National Rifle Association. The first such moment of silence will take place today when Democrats try once again to introduce legislation to prohibit people on the terrorist watch list from purchasing firearms. House Speaker Paul Ryan explained the reasoning behind the tactic.

“Look, House tradition requires we observe moments of silence following tragic events, and over the last few years we’ve gotten pretty good at that. Now, we plan to adhere to that sacred tradition while simultaneously making sure no one infringes on the second amendment rights of so called ‘terrorists.’ We think it’s sort of the right thing to do.”

Ryan showed little sympathy for Democrats who oppose efforts by the NRA to expand gun rights.

“When Democrats say they want to prevent terrorists from buying guns, what they really mean is they want to prevent ‘terrorists’ from buying guns. That’s not America, that’s ‘Canada’, or ‘England’ or any of those other old-fashioned countries where they kill each other one at a time. Democrats are totally unsympathetic to the plight of the NRA. Every time a mass mur- uh, a wholesale slaught- uh, a sizeable end-of-life event occurs, the NRA gets the blame.”

Ryan choked up a little at the thought of a well armed militia protecting America from the Redcoats.

“My friend Wayne LaPierre is right when he points out that the founding fathers crafted the Constitution in a way that says gun rights are human rights. That’s why Republicans are fighting for the right of every American to own the arsenal of their choice, from cradle to early grave.”

NRA Expresses “Sympathy” to Victims of Gun Violence

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Actual Photo of Wayne LaPierre “Sympathizing”

In a conference call with supporters yesterday, National Rifle Association spokesman Wayne LaPierre expressed his “sympathy” for the victims of the horrific Orlando massacre.

“I want to begin by saying how terrible the NRA feels about Orlando, Aurora, Columbine, Newtown, San Bernardino, Colorado Springs, Charleston, Minneapolis, Oak Creek, Tucson, Tucson again, Manchester, Omaha, Salt Lake City, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Brookfield, Roseburg, Blacksburg, Edmond, San Ysidro, Binghampton, Santa Monica, Huntsville, etcetera, etcetera. Really, pick any place in America and the NRA feels awful about the mass shooting that happened there. We wish we knew how to prevent these tragedies but we can’t come up with an answer, no matter how hard we ignore the facts.”

LaPierre didn’t stop there.

“My point is the second amendment guarantees each of us the right to own handguns, rifles, shotguns, uzis, AR-15s, rocket propelled grenades, bazookas and Apache attack helicopters. This is America, for God’s sake! Every law abiding citizen deserves an Apache attack helicopter.”

Sadly, during the course of the conference call, nineteen of the twenty-three participants lost their lives to gun violence, a fact LaPierre acknowledged.

“I want to say thank you to those who perished for our cause today. I haven’t the faintest idea what caused all of these totally unrelated deaths, but your sacrifices will not be forgotten. Which brings me to our next topic: let’s talk membership drive!”