Paul Ryan Adds Slavery Requirement to Farm Bill

Paul Ryan Squishes Reality Between His Thumb and Forefinger

House speaker Paul Ryan has doubled down on his plan to set work requirements for recipients of food stamps as part of the Farm Bill currently being considered by Congress. In a statement to members of the House Freedom Caucus yesterday Ryan said he intends to impose a binding servitude clause on any able bodied worker over the age of 6 who fits a certain profile, which Ryan defined as “non-traditional socio-economical-ethnic,” and which black people describe as “black.” Ryan said his proposal makes sense for everybody.

“Look, it’s not like this hasn’t been done before. Back in the 1800’s we had a win-win program just like this. People had lifetime job security, plantation owners made a killing and some wonderful songs about freedom and hardship and freedom became part of the fabric of America. And speaking of fabric, don’t forget that was the heyday of the cotton industry in this country.”

Ryan bristled when confronted with the similarities between his idea and America’s original sin.

“This is not slavery. With slavery black people were beaten and they had to work like animals just to stay alive in a society where they were treated like property because of the color of their skin. With my plan nobody gets beaten, but if they do, at least they won’t go hungry, but if they do go hungry, we’ll get some awesome songs out of it.”

Paul Ryan Thinks He’s a Chicken

Actual Photo of the Egg Paul Ryan Laid

House speaker Paul Ryan is on the case. Ryan told thefloydspin today that Republicans in Congress will follow the facts as they investigate whether “President” Trump attempted to obstruct the FBI’s investigation into his campaign’s involvement with Russian meddling in the U.S. election.

“Look, just because James Comey wrote a memo, that doesn’t mean President Trump did anything wrong. Keep in mind, this Comey character got fired recently. Are we honestly going to believe someone who can’t hold down a steady job? My motto has always been, ‘Never trust the unemployed.’ Don’t trust poor people, either. Or women, especially pregnant women or women who may become pregnant, which is basically all women. ‘Don’t trust women, poor people, unemployed people or unemployed people who write memos.’ That’s my new, revised motto.”

Asked if the Comey memo is the smoking gun that could get Trump impeached, Ryan pretended to be a chicken by flapping his arms, pecking and laying an egg.

“Boc boc boc boc boc! Boc boc!”

Republicans Pass Trumpcare without Reading the Bill

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Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Wearing a Pink Tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin Mini Mall Parking Lot

Citing a need for “plausible deniability,” Republicans in the House of Representatives are defending their vote to repeal and replace Obamacare without actually reading the bill. Thefloydspin spoke with House speaker Paul Ryan about the controversial strategy.

“Look, for the last seven years Republicans have campaigned on repeal and replace, not repeal and improve. Now maybe millions will lose their healthcare, and perhaps thousands will die, and it’s possible rich people will get a massive tax cut. That could all be true but, since we didn’t read the bill, we can’t be held responsible. Besides, if we spent a ton of time reading that bill we wouldn’t have time to do a tax reform package that will potentially reward the rich, possibly screw poor people and maybe blow up the deficit, which it may or may not do. Who knows? Not Republicans. We’re definitely not going to read that one either.”

Ryan is confident the strategy poses little risk for Republicans in the upcoming midterm elections.

“If voters paid any attention at all we’d be facing disaster in 2018. But what are the odds of that happening? I mean, look at how many people read thefloydspin? This article you’re writing, I’m not going to read it. I assume it will consist of fake quotes about politics, my drug habit and the embarrassing picture of me wearing a pink tutu in a Green Bay, Wisconsin mini mall parking lot. And make no mistake, all that is fine with me, as long as you don’t mention how hard Republicans are screwing America.”

Paul Ryan Can’t Wait to F**k Up the Rest of Republican Agenda

Actual Photo of Congress Inaction

All of Washington sees the failure of the House of Representatives to pass a law to repeal and replace Obamacare as a catastrophe for both “President” Trump and House Speaker Paul Ryan. Ryan disagrees. Paul Ryan told thefloydspin he thinks things are looking up for the Republican legislative agenda.

“Look, when you consider all we did not get done in a very short time you come away thinking this Congress is capable of not doing big things. Think about it. How many times in history has Congress gone from the introduction of major legislation to not passing that legislation in just seventeen days? It’s not been done before. And this is just the beginning. I bet we can not pass comprehensive tax reform in ten days. Infrastructure? Five days, maybe six if we take a day off to not do tort reform. I tell you I’m positively giddy thinking about all the things Republicans can not get done now that we’re in charge. The sky’s not the limit!”

Asked if not governing is what Republicans were sent to Washington to do, Ryan answered from a skewed historical perspective.

“In the immortal words of Bobby Kennedy, ‘Some men see things as they are and say why not. I dream things that never were and say why not not?’ I could not not not have said it better myself.”

Moldy Bread Exceeds Paul Ryan’s Expectations

Actual Photo of Former Republican Voters

Hose Speaker Paul Ryan says the Congressional Budget Office report on his Obamacare replacement plan exceeds his expectations. That comes as a surprise to Ryan’s critics who point out that the CBO says 24 million people would lose their insurance under the plan. In an effort to clarify his position, Speaker Ryan used the Skype app on his microwave oven this morning to reach out to thefloydspin.

“Look, for the record, there are a number of things that exceed my expectations. Vietnam, Ebola, Justin Bieber, Star Wars episodes I, II, and III, moldy bread. So it should come as no surprise that the CBO estimate that millions of poor and elderly people will lose insurance struck me as good news. I was afraid rich people were going to lose their insurance, too. Well thanks to Republican leadership, not only will rich people get to keep their insurance, they’ll get a massive tax break, too. Merry Christmas, America!”

Still stinging from the rejection of his previous carrot and stick insurance proposal, Ryan summed up his argument for the plan he now considers America’s last, best hope for a fair and comprehensive solution for the instability in the private insurance market.

“I have great insurance!”

Trump Lowers Border Wall to Leprechaun Size

Actual Photo of a Leprechaun Stealing Three of our White Women

Steve Bannon is lowering expectations for Donald Trump’s big beautiful wall. Now, instead of taking 12 to 18 months to build a $15 to $25 billion dollar, twenty-five foot tall concrete and steel barrier along the entire 2,000 mile U.S. – Mexico border, Bannon says the “President” has given the go ahead for construction of a 5 and a half foot tall, $425 thousand dollar chicken wire fence to be built along the border separating the U.S. from the end of the rainbow. Best of all, the fence will be finished by this Friday. Bannon tells thefloydspin the fence, while less than Trump had hoped for, will serve a vital purpose.

“No more leprechauns! Leprechauns are pouring across the border into our country and they’re rapists and they’re criminals and some, I assume are good little people, but show me one leprechaun who has ever let go of his pot of gold. They’re greedy, they’re magical, they’re charming, they’re incredibly well endowed and they’re coming for our white women.”

Bannon points to his personal experience with leprechauns as justification for the fence.

“Don’t be fooled, leprechauns pretend to be mischievous imps but if you believe that, you haven’t spent ten minutes in a room with Paul Ryan. Leprechauns are monsters whose understanding of the inner workings of the Federal bureaucracy makes them extremely dangerous to anyone who wants to follow their dream to the end of a rainbow. They’re also bad for anyone who wants to hollow out the Federal bureaucracy. And yes, technically Paul Ryan’s not a leprechaun. Hey, technically Obama’s wasn’t Kenyan, so…”

Paul Ryan Announces Obamacare Replacement Plan: CarrotsandStickcare

Actual Photo of a Stick

Republicans in Congress have hit upon the perfect replacement plan for Obamacare. House Speaker Paul Ryan told thefloydspin the new plan is guaranteed to succeed because it contains the right balance of carrots and sticks.

“Look, the naysayers said it would be impossible to replace Obamacare without millions losing coverage or premiums going up or quality of care going down. Well, Republicans refused to listen to the doom and gloom crowd. We rolled up our sleeves and crafted a better way. We call it CarrotsandStickcare and the greatest thing about it is its simplicity. Whereas Obamacare consists of 70 billion pages of rules and regulations, CarrotsandStickcare fits on a 3 x 5 index card. It doesn’t take a genius to understand how it works. Every American gets a burlap bag full of carrots and a stick. Then we sit back and let the free market sort things out.”

Speaker Ryan’s explanation of the free market component of CarrotsandStickcare was refreshingly candid.

“They say the devil is in the details. That’s the beauty of CarrotsandStickcare; there are no details. We give everybody carrots and they get to choose for themselves whether they eat the carrots and remain healthy or they let the carrots rot, which is where the stick comes in. If a healthy, carrot eating citizen sees some diseased slob lying around letting his carrots rot, he gets to play whack-a-sickie with his government provided stick. Of course, technically, no one is required to whack anybody, because that would be a mandate and Republicans don’t believe in mandates. On the other hand, who’s going to pass up the chance to whack somebody with a stick?”

Asked whether Republicans have a plan B, in case CarrotsandStickcare doesn’t fly with the American people, Ryan mood turned somber.

“Yeah, BareBonescare. The name says it all.”