Cruz Endorses Trump, Then Gets out of the House

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Actual Photo of Ted Cruz’s “Sincere” Face

Ted Cruz endorsed Donald Trump today, telling thefloydspin his former rival’s history as a bully, a liar and a philanderer are attributes that will help make Trump a great president.

“Look, when I called Donald Trump all those names, it was in the heat of battle and I was trying to portray his strengths as weaknesses. It’s the classic campaign ploy. When your competitor calls your wife ugly, says your father killed Kennedy and savagely belittles you and everyone you love, you have to pretend his actions are despicable, no matter how much you admire his spunk. But now that Donald is the nominee I’m free to acknowledge the obvious: this man is everything I aspire to be. Sure, I’ve always tried to treat people like crap, but my friend Donald Trump has turned treating people like crap into an art form. Bravo!”

Asked whether he will be out on the trail campaigning for Trump between now and November, Cruz looked to be chomping at the bit.

“Trust me, I don’t want to be anywhere near my house for quite some time.”

Republicans Endorse Imaginary Donald Trump

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Actual Photo of Imaginary Donald Trump

Despite the fact that Donald Trump has been their presumptive nominee for several weeks, republican leaders have been reluctant to endorse him or anyone else for president. Not anymore. Republicans have finally settled on the man they believe should be the next leader of the free world: Imaginary Donald Trump. From Marco Rubio to Nikki Haley to Newt Gingrich, republicans of all stripes are lining up behind the man they want sitting in the Oval Office on January 20th, 2017. And for every republican backing Imaginary Donald Trump, there seems to be unique reason for doing so.

Marco Rubio: I’m one-hundred percent behind Imaginary Donald Trump. He’s got the brains, the guts and the savvy to make America imaginarily great again. More importantly, he’s doesn’t pick on short, thirsty, second generation Cuban American senators.

Paul Ryan: Look, I don’t agree with most of the stuff Real Donald Trump says, but Imaginary Donald Trump, that’s a different story. I think it’s safe to say Imaginary Donald Trump is a lot like Imaginary Mitt Romney, only more handsome.

Ted Cruz: I imagine he likes me.

Nikki Haley: Imaginary Donald Trump doesn’t have a racist bone in her imaginary body. Also, she’s one of my closest imaginary friends.

Newt Gingrich: Imagine me as Imaginary Donald Trump’s Imaginary Vice-President! Somebody young, beautiful and willing to participate in an open marriage pinch me! Lower, please.

Ben Carson: If you ask me, Imaginary Donald Trump freed the slaves, saved the Union and probably hates the theatre.

Newt Gingrich: Lower. A little lower. Yep.

Asked about the general election viability of Imaginary Donald Trump versus Real Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell summed up his party’s sentiments.

“Imaginary Donald Trump has a lot of great qualities but he comes up a little short in the existence department. On the other hand, Real Donald Trump is a real a-hole. If I have to pick, I’ll go with Historically Inaccurate Ronald Reagan. He was the greatest president this country never had.”

 

Ted Cruz Calls for Investigative Investigation into Clinton Investigations

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Actual Photo of Ted Cruz Faking Sincerity

Republican Senator Ted Cruz went on Meet the Press yesterday to call for the appointment of a special prosecutor to investigate Hillary and Bill Clinton for being investigated. Cruz told Chuck Todd that the Clintons have abused the investigative process for decades.

“Since the 90’s, the Clintons have been investigated dozens of times. Nothing much has ever come of these investigations, which is why it’s critical we look at what’s behind them. What has every investigation of the Clintons had in common? Duh! The Clintons, that’s what. I’m surprised I’m the first person to figure this out. The Clintons intentionally invite one investigation after another to distract from their real misdeeds.”

When Todd asked Cruz what wrongdoings the Clintons should be held accountable for, Cruz deployed his trademark genial smirk.

“Are you kidding? There’s a whole list. Instead of being investigated for Whitewatergate, Travelgate, Benghazigate and Emailgate, we should go after them for High Employmentgate, Low Inflationgate, Budget Surplusgate, Reaching Across the Aisle to Work with the Other Sidegate and most egregious of all, Competent Leadershipgate.”

The Texas senator didn’t take kindly to Todd’s suggestion that his list of misdeeds seemed more like accomplishments.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Their only accomplishment was making republicans look bad for cutting taxes for job creators, bathing the Middle East in American democracy, and gently steering the economy into a sustainable ditch. The Clintons need to pay for that. At the very least, it warrants endless investigations.”