Trump Shoots Man, Proves His Point

TrumpShootsManDonald Trump proved his point this morning when he shot a man on New York’s 5th Avenue. Trump justified his actions by citing news reports that have cast doubt on his trustworthiness.

“Yeah, I shot him. Horrible, just horrible, but what could I do? The press didn’t believe me when I said I could shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters. In all honesty I don’t feel too bad because I’m told he was a reporter and his grandmother was involved in the Lincoln assassination, which is a horrible thing. That’s what I hear anyway, which is very sad if it’s true, which I’m told it is. So sad.”

Albert T. Pott was admitted to New York – Presbyterian Hospital in Manhattan where he is listed in stable condition with a gunshot wound to the head. Doctor Peter Hollbrook, Chief Neurosurgeon at New York-Presbyterian, said that while the bullet passed through Pott’s skull it did not do significant damage.

“Fortunately, Mr. Pott is a Trump supporter. Otherwise this could have been tragic.” Speaking from his hospital bed, Pott told reporters he forgives Trump.

“Are you kidding me? Today is the greatest day of my life! But just think, if I were dead right now you’d be talking to a true American hero! I guess that’s too much to ask for. At least I’ll always have this hole in my head to remind me of why I support Mr. Trump! God Bless Donald Trump for shooting me and making America great again!”

Within minutes of the shooting millions of Trump supporters tweeted their approval as #PottShot blew up Twitter.

Trump Visited by Three Ghosts

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Actual Photo of Nixon’s Ghost

A reporter embedded inside the Donald Trump presidential campaign has confirmed that Donald Trump was visited last night by three spirits who were confident Trump would win the presidency. The ghosts were reportedly those of Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan and surprisingly, George W. Bush, whom many consider to be still alive. The transcript of Trump’s eerie experience is certain to frighten democrats. Below are excerpts.

Reagan: It’s morning in America, Donald! You will make America great again. Just remember to screw the commies. Well, don’t literally screw the commies. F@#k the commies! Well that didn’t sound right either. Well, never mind, you know what I mean. Honestly, I mean f@#k the commies!

Nixon: Reagan’s an idiot. You’ve got this thing in the bag. But listen, you gotta be tough, kid. You gotta go after your enemies and make ‘em pay for what they did to me! Make ‘em all pay! And then you gotta go to China and show those sneaky little bastards who’s boss! And don’t forget to f@#k the commies! You’re not recording this, are you?

Bush: How the hell did I get here? You want my advice? Heh heh heh! You know who I am, right? Fine, uh 9/11! Oh, and jiggle the handle of the toilet on Air Force One. It drives the pilot crazy.

While Trump has not publicly acknowledged the visits, he took to twitter yesterday to brag about his position in the polls among the dead: “Tremendous! Rotting corpses love me too! Going to go shoot somebody and pad my lead! #Hyyyuuuugepenis2016 #Hillary’sboobsfake!”

Paul Ryan Re-Endorses Trump

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Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Appearing Resolved

Donald Trump picked up a key re-endorsement this morning when House Speaker Paul Ryan announced that, after previously endorsing and then un-endorsing Trump, he is once again backing the Republican nominee. According to Ryan, his re-endorsement is part of a normal process that will ultimately result in Trump winning the White House.

“Look, after Donald Trump said that because Judge Gonzalo Curiel is a Mexican he is not qualified to preside over the Trump U. lawsuit, I made it clear I would not support a politician who blatantly uses race to divide Americans. At that time, my decision was the correct one. But that was yesterday. Now, Mr. Trump has said he will no longer discuss the issue, which obviously means it’s time for us all to move on. That’s why I’m re-endorsing Donald Trump for President. Besides, America has more pressing concerns than the question of whether the Republican nominee is a racist. It’s not like that question hasn’t already been answered, you know.”

Ryan sought to downplay the perception that his re-endorsement was tepid at best, despite the fact that he made his announcement to Lori Caparini, a Chevron station mini-mart clerk in Janesville, Wisconsin, while paying for a pack of bubble gum and a carton of lactose free milk.

“Let me be clear. I stand behind Donald Trump one-hundred percent. Can I get five dollars on number eight please?”

Paul Ryan Un-EndorsesTrump

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Actual Photo of Paul Ryan Appearing Sincere

Following the lead of Illinois Senator Mark Kirk, House Speaker Paul Ryan announced today that he is no longer supporting Donald Trump for President. Speaking to 12 year-old Robbie Stinson, a newspaper boy in his home town, Janesville, Wisconsin, Ryan pulled no punches.

“Donald Trump is wrong when he says Judge Gonzalo Curiel should be disqualified from hearing the case against Trump University, just because he’s a Mexican. First of all, there’s no proof he is a Mexican. For all we know he could be merely Hispanic. Or he could lean Latino. Or maybe the guy just likes Mexican food. I like Mexican food. Does that disqualify me from doing my job? Sure it does. However, when the Republican nominee uses race in a blatant attempt to divide Americans, someone has to draw the line. And now that Senator Kirk has drawn it, I feel comfortable lightly tracing over it.”

Ryan went on to explain to Robbie how democracy works.

“If Mr. Trump had used race to divide Americans the right way, he wouldn’t be in this mess. All he had to do was accuse President Obama of being a Mexi-Kenyan, complain about Mexican drug mules taking decent, high-paying jobs from American drug mules, and fake his own death at the hands of a Mexican, or a Canadian, either way. That’s the kind of thing we do in Congress all the time. The sooner Donald Trump figures that out, the sooner I’ll re-endorse him and the sooner I’ll get back to figuring out how I’m going to explain myself to my grandkids. I’m open to suggestions, Robbie.”

Trump Campaign Declares Bankruptcy, Sues Itself

The Donald Trump presidential campaign declared bankruptcy today and sued itself in an attempt to leverage the hundreds of millions of dollars it will need to compete against Hillary Clinton in the general election. Just before boarding Trump’s Boeing 757, campaign manager Corey Lewandowski explained the legal moves to reporters.

“F**k off!!!”

The communications arm of the campaign moved quickly to clarify Lewandowski’s remarks.

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Actual Photo of a Burning Dollar

“The fundraising arm of the Trump campaign has acted to restructure debt and the legal arm of the Trump campaign has acted to punish the irresponsible decision on the part of the fund raising arm to restructure debt. The Trump campaign fully expects the courts to rule that the Trump campaign owes the Trump campaign a butt load of money, which the Trump campaign cannot pay unless it declares bankruptcy. Enron did this in ‘97 so there is legal precedence.”

The candidate himself declined to answer questions about his campaign’s unorthodox legal maneuvers.

“I don’t comment on ongoing legal litigation, no matter how terrific. But I will say this, we’re going to build such a big beautiful wall between us and Canada and the Canadians are going to pay for it because, if they don’t, we’re going to tear down the wall we’re going to build between us and Mexico and we’re going to send the Mexican criminals and rapists straight up to Canada. That’s not to say I don’t love Mexicans because I do. It’s the sissy Canadians I can’t stand.”

Trump Delivers Trump University Commencement Address

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Actual Photo of the Trump Coat of Heads

The newly minted graduating class at Trump University got a rare treat when their alma mater’s namesake spoke at commencement today. As students took their seats, the sound of Pomp and Circumstance still ringing in their ears, Donald Trump strode to the microphone, ready to inspire the graduates to do great things.

“Congratulations class of May 25th to May 29th, 2016! It took a couple of days of hard work and twenty-five or thirty thousand bucks to get here but you made it! Now go out and change the world!”

Trump paused for a moment to ponder the sea of eager faces hanging on his every word.

“What are you waiting for, a refund? Go on, get out of here! I don’t have time for this. I wouldn’t even be here except they told me this could help with the lawsuits and it’s tax deductible. Also, do I look fabulous in this robe or what? Is it legal to make a robe out of hundred dollar bills? Who cares, right?”

The graduates remained glued to their seats, enthralled by their hero.

“Take a hint! Don’t you know I can’t afford to be seen with a bunch of pathetic losers like you? Seriously, what kind of idiot shovels out a wheel barrow full of dough for a lame get-rich-quick course? Are you kidding me?”

When the graduates still didn’t move, Trump tried another tack.

“I’m thinking about starting a graduate school. For another forty grand you can learn how to turn your dad’s millions into billions. Is that a tremendous idea or what?”

Trump soaked up the love as the cheering graduates leapt to their feet, shouted “Trump U!” and threw their wallets at him.

Scorned by Trump, Bernie Sanders Challenges 10 Year-Old to Debate

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Actual Photo of Becky

Bernie Sanders has a plan B, and her name is Becky. Shortly after Donald Trump closed the door on a debate with Bernie Sanders, Sanders went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to challenge 10 year-old Becky Pearson to debate him on national television. Sanders told Kimmel he wants to debate Becky Tuesday night before her 9 p.m. bedtime.

“The American people deserve to see for themselves the major differences between me and this precocious pint-sized pawn of the political establishment. I look forward to exposing Ms. Pearson’s wrong-headed positions in favor of unlimited homework, shortened recess, and free trade.”

Pearson, a student at McKinley Elementary School in Gridley, California, first drew Sanders’ attention two weeks ago when she served as a superstudent who supported Hillary Clinton in Mrs. Brink’s 4th grade class mock election. After Clinton bested Sanders by four votes, the Vermont senator cried foul and filed a lawsuit claiming the election was rigged.

A reporter for the Gridley Herald reached Pearson at home.

“Mr. Sanders seems like a nice man but he shouldn’t debate a little kid. I’d clean his clock. His proposals for free college, free healthcare and free tooty fruity ice cream would bankrupt America. Trust me, Bernie, you don’t want Becky all up in your grill. Besides, I have Girl Scouts Tuesday night.”